The First Age

Liv was silent. But Nika’s words were not unheard. She felt her getting closer. Felt the respect. Felt the concern. Her warmth. She stared at the notebook, unable- afraid maybe?- to look into Nika's eyes to see if she really meant it. Afraid because maybe it was another lie.

More afraid because...what if was the truth? It was just a date, true. But now she was in it. And Liv was interested. She barely knew her, but she liked her laugh, her goofy self deprecating way about her, as if she didn't have a clue what a total badass she was, how sexy she was in her leather jacked and jeans. She was girly in all the ways Liv loved. And she was easy to talk to.

She was dangerous because despite her fear, Liv wanted to take that chance with her.

Was that why she brought her here? To share a sacred place? Painful. Terrifying. But the memory of the angel's wings holding her, the warmth of God's spirit filling her, showing her how She saw the world, bright and living, it was a memory she cherished. That saved her.

And this time it was Nika’s words that filled her with warmth. Her kindness. Her patience. Again it came to her. That dinner table from a dream- was it a dream? "When did you know Nika was the one?" And she had looked into her wife's eyes, lines telling a story of decades together, and thought back to....this place? Was it this place? "She gave me a sketchbook."

She laughed at her foolishness. It was just a dream. Still, she asked herself, Why are you here? She was tired of being driven by fear. She was so very alone. She was ready to take a chance.

The drawing wasn't done. And her hand was shaking. But she took a breath and turned the notebook to Nika. Refused to hide or look away from her reaction.

God she wanted to die.

But she wanted to live too.

A small smile stayed on her lips as she bared her soul.

Nika’s eyes were all over Liv’s face.  What was she thinking?  God, what would she give to be a mind reader right about now!  Was she okay?  She clearly was not but more like, was this just a horrible time and Nika was pushing too hard?  She could back off.  She would back off.  Especially if Liv told her to or asked or…  They could be friends.  Nika could wait.  That train of thought actually made her...feel...sad.  She meant it with every fiber of her being that she could- would wait.  But...Nika didn’t realize how much she was looking forward to seeing someone.  No, not someone; Liv.  Seeing Liv.  Romantically.  The thought of not having that, not having that to look forward to...felt like a loss.  What kind of a giant fucking asshole did that make her?  Jeez.  Here this poor woman is, clearly hurt and afraid to risk herself again and you’re just thinking of yourself.  How very much like YOUR ex does that make you sound?  Maybe you deserved her after all, hmm?  Dickhead.

Nika’s eyes fell, considering her own inner monologue’s point when Liv turned the notebook around.  Of course she looked.  Her brows crept upward.  Wow.  Her expression certainly mirrored that thought.  Nika’s lips parted and closed again before she could summon words.  “I mean...how narcissistic does it make me to say that is phenomenal!”  She shook her head in disbelief.  “Uh.”  What are you, an idiot?  You can’t say that!  “I just…”  Nika actually managed to meet Liv’s gaze before dropping it again to the page.  “...that’s really good.”  Disbelief.  “How did you do that?  That’s...that’s amazing.”  Wow.

Liv expelled a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding and relief flooded her. Something else, too. Her cheeks hurt. For a moment, she wondered why. Then she realized. She was smiling so hard. Her hand fair to flew, taking the pad, feeling new energy. The bird wobbly and still fresh, but in the air all the same.

"Ah Nika, you just made my year," she said, voice strangely husky. Her gaze kept flickering between studying her in wonder and discovery and the page before her, hand flying over it as if possessed.

It was just the beginning. And yet Liv felt hope. Cautious. Careful, but at least a glimmer of hope just the same.

When she was done, she held it out to her, fearlessly. "Nika my Demon," she said, no longer hesitant to share. The picture captured her playful fearlessness, her bravado and exuberance, along with tenderness and a shy goofyness. All the things Nika exuded.

And then she stood, holding out a hand to Nika. She felt playful. "Wanna explore?" There was more to see here.

Nika beamed again.  She studied Liv’s face, the drawing, everything as the other woman did her thing.  She was clearly in her element now, freed.  Nothing really that Nika had done or would ever take credit for, that was...wrong.  Liv had done it, taken a step herself back toward what she had been, perhaps, before whatever horrible experience she’d had in her previous relationship.  No, she wasn’t instantly ‘better,’ that wasn’t how it worked.  It could be a step though in a good direction.  Nika watched Liv create...and she saw an unparalleled beauty.  

The portrait was stunning.  Nika said so.  She smiled at it, at Liv.  Her dark gaze reflected awe.  “Thank you.”  Her words were quiet.  Liv was alight, awash with confidence.  It was terribly attractive.  Nika’s eyes glittered and she took the hand.  “Yes.”  This was fantastic.  This moment, here, with Liv.  “To infinity and beyond,” she smirked.

They walked right past Nika’s car, actually.  They followed the breeze; an errant path.  Not intentional or with a particular destination in mind.  Conversation swirled around home, family, life and things in between.  They grabbed food from a stand when they were hungry, ice cream later then coffee.  The sky darkened and they laughed still holding hands, when they realized how far they’d travelled.  In more than one way.  Eventually the train took them toward home.  Liv’s stop came first and Nika watched her go after a shy kiss on the platform.  

Missing Liv already.  Her hand felt empty all the way back to Sebastian.