Hayden had gotten through to her at least a little. He was glad to see she was taking his advice and looking at ways to make it a home. Nox was not going to ever make a change. The week he'd spent in the safe house he'd lived out of the bag even after Hayden told him to put his things in the drawers or closet. He imagined his things were stuffed in the bags stashed in the closet if he looked now. That was a thing to work on with that one, but Elyse might be able to change the rest, make the rest happen for the kids living here.
And then she started crying and getting to the meat of it. Hayden worked on breakfast as she did her thing. He wouldn't offer comfort to a woman who could be a client like he would have Nox. It was different -- much different. "Guilt is a bitch. Survivor's guilt is tricky. Guilt for things you were indirectly the cause of is hard to wrap your head around. And we can all tell you not to believe what your mind says, but you have to do the work. Figuring out why you feel guilty for certain things might help. Just like making a change may help the rest of it. You aren't do anything wrong. Nothings wrong with you. Our brains are stupid things. Tackle one guilt at a time."
The crying didn’t stop, but she could feel the power of the guilt diminishing. She knew she couldn’t solve everything in one day, but she felt some relief from the agonizing torment. One guilt at a time. That made sense. When she looked deep in, she could almost see it. The guilt wasn’t one large creature within her like she imagined. It was several. Some smaller m, and some larger. One at a time.
She picked the one to talk about, pushing her writing aside. She couldn’t focus on both right now. She placed her elbows on the counter and buried her face in her hands sobbing. This was the hard one. It was the one that started all of it.
Elyse took deep breaths, calming herself. She knew now Hayden wasn’t judging her, he wasn’t going to make fun of her for crying. He wasn’t going to rush her either. So she cried and let herself cry. She composed herself and began to talk about the guilt that hurt her the most.
”Mom…he killed her. I called her and told her what I was. When he found out…he killed her. He loved her and he killed her. And it’s my fault. If I wouldn’t have told her, she’d still be alive. It’s my fault she’s dead,” she looked Hayden in the eyes, getting as real as she could. ”Everyone tells me. You didn’t do it. You didn’t pull the trigger. I’m not stupid, Hayden. I know I didn’t kill my mom, but I can’t deny that my actions led to her death. That’s what hurts the worst.”
Her hands began to shake. She was opening up, and she was terrified. It was as if she could feel the wound opening again. ”I can’t see any way her death isn’t my fault.”
Hayden finished frying up all the food and made a plate. It wasn't pretty but it would be filling. He set a plate down for Elyse and picked up one for himself and leaned back against the counter and picked at his food with his fork. "Okay. So let's just say it's your fault. What are you going to do about it?"
Elyse’s facial expression didn’t change. Hayden’s answer wasn’t expected, but it wasn’t exactly a surprise either. She spoke to him, keeping her voice even. "I know I can’t change the outcome. She’s dead and there is nothing I can do about it. It doesn’t help with the guilt knowing that.”
"Why do you feel guilty? Are you going to feel guilty when your father is dead? The very same action fated his destiny. Sage didn't have to tell you any of it. He'd have reported it to Nox, Nox would have handled and maybe one day you'd find out they were dead. These are all choices that someone made AFTER you made your choice to tell your mother. How many other people's choices do you take away by calling it your fault. Your mother choose to keep it a secret and defy the laws of the Atharim. Your mother chose to betray you when confronted with her husband. To save her life? Maybe but little good that did her. Your father choose to kill her. He chose to hunt you. Just as Nox chooses to kill him. None of those are your responsibility. Are you going to take responsibility for your father's death? Or just your mothers? How many people's choices need to lie between you and the deed for you to claim it as your fault? Look I'm not trying to be mean, I'm not trying to make you cry. Yes. Your mother is dead because she had information that you gave her. But she choose to betray your trust. Not saying it's tit for tat here. But she made a choice, just as you did. Elyse, I'm not a therapist. I get information out of people one way or another. I know people. I listen well. I see things other people don't see. I see you are a strong person. You cared for your family. You blame yourself. How far does that blame go? You want me to call the police, so you can confess to the murder of your mother, since it's all your fault. Your father was just the weapon that killed her? You gave him the information he needed to end her life. He had no say in the matter. It was all you."
Elyse felt frustration build up at his words. He didn't get it, like nobody else got it. "I don't think you're trying to be mean or make me cry. You're trying to help," She looked up at him, the frustration flashing in her eyes. "I don't know why. All I know is that it's there. You say I'm strong, but I feel incredibly weak next to the guilt. It's tearing inside and everything I do it finds a way to make it my fault. Even stupid little shit. And now it whispers to me - that if I start cutting, all this pain inside will go away. That scares me - terrifies me," she stood up, her voice getting louder as she did. "It's bullshit. I know that, but I don't know how to stop it. What do I do? Drown it in a bottle? Find some pill to numb the pain? Find someone to fuck me until I can't walk straight?" Elyse began to pace and her volume rose, but she began to realize she wasn't yelling at Hayden and her frustration wasn't directed that way either. It was directed inward. "I'm frustrated, angry, sad, guilty. All of it's there and nothing has stopped it. Friends try to help. All I want is for the pain to go away." Every sentence caused her voice to raise volume. "She's dead. I called her because I wanted her to love me anyways. It failed. I'm not responsible for what she did. Dad killed her for it. I'm not responsible for that. Now Nox has to fix it, and he'll probably feel guilty for that. All of it! I didn't do any of it! Her breathing quickened as she moved once more to the counter, slamming her fists on to it she yelled. "SO WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY WHEN I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!"
Silence reigned at her words. She checked inwards. The guilt was still there, but it was different. It wasn't fighting her. For the first time in the past couple of days, she wasn't afraid of it. It was afraid of her.
"Holy fuck," she said, her voice quiet. "Don't know if you were purposely pushing my buttons, or if that was just a fortunate accident. I wasn't yelling at you."[/color]
((With Hayden))
Hayden listened and watched and saw the realization hit that she was dealing with it. "Guilt isn't always about guilt. Sometimes it's anger that has no way out. And I know you weren't yelling at me. You can yell at me all you want though. I'm here to listen however you want to get it out."
He finished his plate and set it aside. "Nox won't feel guilty for you killing your father, Elyse. It won't keep him up at night. But if you die, on his watch. That will haunt him forever. He is not haunted by his kills. He's haunted by his failures to protect. Some of them are deaths of innocents, but most are losses he's endured and couldn't stop. Don't let his issues make yours worse."
He grinned at her. "While I don't recommend going out and having angry sex with a stranger. The idea isn't wrong. You're pissed at your mother. You're pissed at your father. I'm going to go so far as to say you are even pissed at Nox for being a fucking knight in shining armor and riding to your rescue. Even though you can take care of your own problems. Nox has a dojo for a reason and those stupid ball machines might be stupid to you and me. But when you're pissed, or you need a fight. You can't hurt tennis balls, but they sure do pack a punch. Get angry, Elyse. Be pissed. Get it out. Maybe it'll help you redecorate your feelings."
Elyse sat back down, and noticed that her breakfast was there m, she slid it over to herself and began to eat. ”Angry sex sounds more fun,” she muttered to herself with a slight smirk, feeling a little bit better. She wouldn’t ask Hayden - chances are he’d refuse, but if he offered, she wouldn’t. He was a good looking guy. Instead she simply asked for a refill of her orange juice.
”Im not ashamed of what I am. It doesn’t bother me being wolfkin. I called because. I thought they loved me. I thought there was a line. I thought I was the line. What kind of a man does that - kills his wife and daughter?” the questions were rhetorical. , but it felt good to be angry.
She finished her breakfast, then turned towards Hayden. We need you hear more often. This was amazing.”
Hayden smirked. "You don't need me, I'll be here every fucking morning if Nox is cooking. A week of breakfast with him. And dinner. And on a tiny little burner with a tiny little fridge. He went grocery shopping every morning on his runs so he could eat right. Anal and pedantic maybe, but holy fuck..."
Hayden made sure Elyse had enough to eat "More?"
He sighed. "That's the thing about cultish organizations. Sometimes the dogma is too engrained in people. I'll be 100% honest with you. My job here is to clean up Nox's messes. Not to be his friend. Or listen to his woes and issues. My job is to make him trust me so he tells me things. And before you go run off to tell him. He knows. He knew from the moment he met me what I was and why I there. He kept the fact that he was a god from me while he was in London. It wasn't until I started following him around the world that I figured out why they'd sent him instead of someone more reliable."
Hayden started cleaning up the cooking mess. Anal and pendantic about his healthy eating wasn't the only thing Nox was anal and pedantic about. I came here because Nox asked me to. But I won't press or talk about it again unless you want it. I imagine there is a lot more going on up there. I'll listen. But you gotta want to talk to me knowing everything you do. It won't go back to the Atharim, and it won't go to Nox unless you are really trying to kill yourself, then I'm shouting that to the world to help you."
Elyse smiled, the first true smile in a long time. She still hurt, but not as bad as before. ”Some more would be great, I’ve not been eating much lately.” he put some more on her plate.
She began to eat more. Elyse understood about the cooking. Nox was a phenomenal cook it was probably the thing she missed most about not being together. That among other things. She thought about Ana - it had been a long time since she had checked in with the woman. It might not be a bad idea to do so. She could talk to her about Mae and figure out what she wanted there. Of course, she could probably talk to Hayden too, if it didn’t bore him.
She wasn’t surprised by his Atharim talk, and she would have assumed that Nox knew anyways. Hayden wouldn’t have told her otherwise. It wouldn’t have made any sense at all. She found now that he wasn’t trying to get some sort of reaction out of her, he was easy to talk to.
”Never wanted to kill myself. I told Adrian I didn’t. I guess I understand why they’d want to take it a step further. Only thought about cutting, and I didn’t want to do that either. I didn’t want it to get that far. I don’t know if that makes sense,”she looked at him. Right now she was calm, her burst of anger had subsided. ”My mom was the big one, you okay if I talk your ear off some more. It’s nice not to isolate.”
”Talk away,” he said.
”I wanna talk about Mae. Mae’s my girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend, or…it’s complicated right now. I told her I loved her, and well, it wa not reciprocated. Turns out that might not be something she’ll ever feel. She’s in a committed relationship with a couple others. She might not want that with me. I told her it was okay if she didn’t reciprocate, but it was still painful. We didn’t fight or anything. I just need to figure out what I want and go from there. I don’t know. I’m not sure what to do about it yet. I like being with her and now. I’m not sure if I’m asking for advice or rambling here, but if you have any - I wouldn’t mind it.”
Hayden listened as he put the last of the fixings away and cleaned the counters. And then he topped of Elyse's OJ and poured him a glass. He hopped up on the counter opposite her and listened to her go on about her love life. Not his best area of expertise, but he had some experience in this particular venture.
"I can't say I'm the best person for advice. Sex is either fun, or a tool to be used to get what I want. I don't do relationships beyond the this is fun. But I live with a girl once, she loved me but no matter what she did I never returned the feelings. She was great. Totally adored her. Sex was amazing but I kept telling her that love wasn't for me. She left one day out of the blue. I didn't even know who she was at that point. It was like she was a totally different person. So I know being on a one sided relationship is tough. If your questioning it now, you'll probably question it later. So I know what happened between you and Nox. Know the details in not so crisp details, but I know what he did, who he did it with. And I know it's not your fault. There were a lot of underlying issues at play, things he didn't know about back, things he'd forgotten, pushed back. But, did you think that was going forever, knowing the kinda person he was, the life he lived before you? You had to know he was a player. I only bring it up because she obviously told you about her polycule, but something let you see more. You've talked about it. You need to decide what you want. Are you looking for forever? cause if you are then end it where it's at, when you are friends, and not when you hate her for not loving you the way you want her too. But don't leave it hanging. End it, be honest. And if you have feelings in a month, revisit your feelings. But you gotta talk no matter what it is. Don't resent one another."
Elyse nodded, confirming what she thought. Her decision was still not made, but she was pretty sure she had to end it. Mae was too important for her to lose forever. If she kept trying, it was going to end badly. She couldn’t do that to herself, or to Mae either. In the end, she’d be resentful.
Elyse didn’t try to hide the tears. She had decided to ask Hayden because he an objective outside party. ”You were the perfect person to ask. You have no take on it either way. Thanks for your answer.” Even if she appreciated his answer, she didn’t have to like it. ”sorry for all the tears…it’s been a messy week.”
She turned herself back to the food and finished it. She placed the fork gently on the plate, before finishing the last of her orange juice.
She faced him again, golden eyes bright. ”I can see why Nox likes to talk to you. It’s surprisingly easy when you’re not being a complete ass.” she said, a smirk showing the humor. He might as well get to see some of the real Elyse.