The shower was hot and the pressure was good and without Lily waiting on him he took a much longer shower than the one before work. His muscles ached and the world lost focus as he drowned under the streaming water. Nox's whole body relaxed and the pain echoed through it. It knew what it was missing. It hurt, it mourned. It didn't pressured Nox into ending it.
He wasn't sure how he was supposed to live like this. He knew that the earbud was only a bandaid. And he knew that he needed more than just Lily and his family to survive, but he didn't dare think about who he needed. Nox was no longer sure that Raffe wanted to share a life with him. He hadn't wanted to look for a place with him. He hadn't wanted to anything together. Nox had always pressured him, always flirting, always being the one to act. He should just let it go. It was the rational thing to do.
But Love wasn't rational. And Nox remembered loving Raffe to the ends of the earth and back even after he walked away. And then Raffe was gone. They hadn't spoken in months, and when Raffe did text back more than an acknowledgement it was never about them. Nox needed to talk to Raffe.
He climbed out of the shower dripping wet and wishing he'd just fall and crack his head open. It would be an accident. But his luck was not there. And if he felt guilt, it would be the feeling running through his body now. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to end his life -- not really. But it was hard to go on when every breath burned his lungs, when the world seemed dark and dim.
Time held no concept in his head without his wallet or watch, stark naked in his bathroom alone Nox didn't know how long he stood there staring into the mirror trying to remember what it felt like to be alive.
Hayden's tension faded the closer he got to Nox's bedroom. He'd learned that Sky couldn't open or lock the door. He knew that the system in the room wasn't on the network -- which meant that it was a powerful computer with information Sage didn't want to get out. And since it was in Nox's house, that meant it was likely connected to the Atharim. Hayden wondered what he had on the device that was so secret he didn't want anyone to know. Or maybe it was just Sage being paranoid and keeping stuff safe even from him.
Nox was in the bathroom when Hayden closed the door behind him. He kicked off his shoes and tugged off his t-shirt and laid it neatly over the back of the desk chair. Hayden had been in Nox's room a time or two before, but he never really looked around. And there really wasn't much of Nox in the room either. The closet was empty of clothes, except for the bags on the floor where Nox's belongings lived. He hadn't even bothered to unpack. But then again Nox had lived in a car most of his life, he was used to his things being in a bag.
One bag clinked when he accidentally kicked it. The gear inside rattling. That probably wasn't intended, but Nox probably didn't use the camping gear much in Moscow, he had a home. The other duffle bag the lid was flopped over and everything inside was neatly folded. Nox wasn't a neat freak, he didn't care about dust and dirt and cobwebs, but he liked order. Order kept him sane.
The only true personality in the room was the fountain in the corner of the room. A single white Loctus floated in the pond and water tricked down the rocks from an unseen source. On each level of the fountain were pictures and plants. Plants Hayden knew calmed anxiety, they were the only plants throughout the house. They must have helped the horde calm down. The same pictures that decorated the living room were in here, though there were less art from Thalia instead a picture of her sat with the rest of his family.
The other notable difference, Raffe's picture was viewable almost set into the stone near the flower. It all meant something but Hayden didn't dare pry into his ex. Nox would tell him when he was ready. Unlike everyone else he talked to Nox didn't need prompting. He talked and talked and talked and all Hayden had to do was listen and offer a suggestion here or there.
The water stopped in the bathroom and Hayden finished tugging off his clothes lying them over the back of the chair so as not to disrupt the balance of the room with a pile of thrown clothes that would drive Nox insane after whatever the night held for them was done. When Nox didn't come out Hayden knocked on the door. "You alright?"
Hayden's voice pulled him out of the death stare he had on the fogged mirror. "Yeah. You can come in." Not that Hayden needed the invite he knew he was welcome to join him at any time.
The door slide open and Hayden leaned against the door frame meeting Nox's gaze in the mirror. "You don't look alright."
Nox didn't have a response. He didn't think he looked alright either. Nox glanced down at the earbuds and the contact lenses in their appropriate nightly containers. He'd normally sleep with the earbuds in, but tonight he had Hayden here. "Has anyone else listened to the songs Ashton made for you?"
Nox shook his head and turned around leaning on his hands against the sink. "No. I think they feel they are a bit too personal to know what I'm feeling."
"Is it?"
Nox rolled his eyes and stepped closer to Hayden who was just in his boxers. "You staying or you leaving after?" It didn't bother Nox one way or the other and it was neither an eviction or invitation. It was whatever Hayden wanted to do.
"I can stay, if you want me to."
There was a small smile across Nox's lips as Hayden left it up to him. "Off." Nox snapped the waist band of Hayden's boxers and walked passed the other man grabbing the fake arm as he left and twisting it back in place. He didn't know how waterproof it was and he didn't want to fry the new tech, he'd have to ask Sage later.
Nox found Hayden's clothes and waited for Hayden to come out with his boxer foldered neatly in a square. Nox took them and wrapped a towel around his waist before stepping out into the hall to the washer in the closet. Hayden had his own hang ups and showering and getting into dirty clothes was one of them Nox could fix. And before they went to sleep they could toss them in the dryer for morning.
Hayden was lying in bed, the bedding folded to the end so that they could do whatever they were going to do without mussing up the sheets for sleeping. There was no pretense that this wasn't about sex, but it was more than that. But Hayden's words kept Nox from falling too deep. "So set the speakers to play whatever it is you'd want to play. Sky can control the speaker?"
Nox nodded. "It's connected to my wallet." But Nox didn't say it out loud, like Hayden wanted him too, he went over to his wallet and turned the speaker on manually and switched it to the feelings of Desire. It wasn't about sex and lust, never was with Hayden. Hayden wasn't a big tough rough man to plow him over. And it wasn't what Hayden wanted either. Violence was not a thing here.
Ashton's voice crooned with a soft hum of music, it was nothing more than static but the emotions washed over them. Nox could barely feel the need and want, but Hayden's body reacted almost immediately to it. He was on his knees crawling towards Nox. And then he was standing in front of him, his hands on Nox's hips, and then they were kissing.
Kissing lead to hands wandering and then to the bed they tumbled fueled by the siren's song and their own passion.
It had been unexpected to be overcome with total and complete desire. It wasn't just a feeling, it spurred his movements. The song drove him to Nox and Nox barely moved. He knew the other man was feeling it but only because his body responded to his touch.
They'd had sex before, plenty of it, but this time it was different. Hayden felt more, wanted more, desired more, and Nox went with everything. It was intense and sensual and sweet and everything it always was, but different.
Hayden wasn't sure he liked it better knowing it was the song that drove the passion in him or not. But he knew Nox needed to feel something. Hayden closed his eyes and drifted in the aftermath.
As they lie there next to each other coming down from their own highs Hayden felt content and Nox was not at his side. There was a moment of fear that he'd left his own bed, but Nox was coming back in to the room a second later with a towel wrapped around his waist and closing the door behind him. "Just putting your clothes in the dryer so you'll have them for tomorrow."
Hayden sat up as Nox cracked open a water bottle and discarded to the hamper in the other corner and climbed into bed next to him. "That was different. I didn't know it was that strong of a pull. And you barely felt it huh?"
Nox shrugged as he offered Hayden the water bottle he'd just drank from. They had just shared more the spit it was hardly a worry about germs. "I would have felt something without it, but it helps remind me I should feel something in a moment."
Hayden sighed. "You know that isn't normal right?"
Nox gave Hayden a look that said he wasn't an idiot but he didn't react any other way, he didn't even say anything just shuffled down into the blanket and moved closer. "Let's not ruin a good night. I'm tired."
Hayden nodded. Nox had been blunt before and his lack of emotions hadn't made that any better. But he didn't want to fight either, and apparently this was something they didn't agree on. Maybe in the morning. Hayden rolled to his side and drapped an arm over Nox. It felt natural, felt welcome and Nox curled into him. The fact that Nox didn't pull on boxers and a tank top meant he felt comfortable and knew the kids wouldn't be joining them. He musta locked the door behind himself.
Nox drifted off to sleep almost immediately. His body still and unmoving. Hayden lay awake thinking taking in the man sleeping next to him, wrapped against his body. The dim light from outside shown on his figure and Hayden noticed the new tattoo. The Lotus was a reminder that this wasn't meant to be his life. But it wasn't the only item in the artwork, Nox's whole life was there, everyone who meant something to him, but front and center was the lotus.
Nox's wallet lit up and Hayden heard the cries of the baby from the other room. "I got it Sky, don't wake Nox." Nox looked peaceful, he'd never looked that way before. His nightmares plagued him, but without fear and guilt what could they do now? Hayden didn't see a creature in sight, and he wondered if he would have if Nox's nightmares were rooted deeper in fear tonight.
Hayden slipped out of the room and into the adjacent one "Hey there." Hayden said picking up Lily and transferring her to the changing table to make sure she was dry and clean. He hadn't changed a diaper before but how hard could it be. He wouldn't be here normally. He wouldn't have done this for anyone else. Liam's teasing poked holes in his reasons. He was just a mark. He needs the help. Hayden shook his head and whispered to Lily. "I'm not in love with your Daddy." He wasn't falling in love. It was just Nox's charisma -- the way about him
Hayden carried Lily out into the kitchen, Elyse and Rachel were fast asleep on the couch. Hayden quietly made a fresh bottle and fed the infant. Hayden sat down on the floor in front of Elyse careful not to jostle the couch or wake the ladies and fed the little one. He knew exactly what made Nox love her so much. He saw it when he looked down into that little face. Hayden glanced up at the TV screen to watch the feed and noted that the song playing was content and happy. He'd changed the song at some point and that was why he was feeling the way he was. Away from the siren's song in Nox's room he was feeling anxious and uncertain. And Nox barely felt any of it even with the song in his ear. He needed to fix it. But he was happy -- free of the burdens of his guilt and his nightmares. Free of the weight of his broken world. What was loss of emotion if he didn't have to feel those bad things all the time.
Hayden wouldn't want to live that way. Lily dozed in his arms after he got a burp from her. He could stay out there, watch the feed and drift off to sleep, but Nox would wonder why. And he had no reason other than he felt the weight of Nox's broken world. So he went back to bed, taking Lily with him. Without his body to rest against Nox had rolled to his back, his default sleeping position. Hayden laid Lily on his chest and covered them both up before crawling in next to him. Nox let out a sigh of releif and his half arm rested against her back while he pulled closer to Hayden's warmth. He was a creature of touch, he missed his sister, that forever constant in his life.
Hayden's mind worried but he eventually drifted off to sleep. They'd talk. Nox had said they would. Hayden wasn't sure he liked what he was thinking or where it would go. But sleep finally took him into the dark sleep of his own nightmares.
The sex had been amazing at least in that Nox had use of both arms, and he never once felt like he might hurt Hayden with it. Every touch of Hayden's body made Nox feel more connected and sleep was restful, his nightmares had played out, but they didn't wake him. There was no fear, no pain, no guilt. He felt nothing in the absence of the power.
The heavy weight on his chest was familiar though he hadn't gotten up to retrieve her and was surprised Hayden had brought her in and stayed. He was surprised he just hadn't rolled over, Hayden wasn't the domestic type. He didn't want more. He didn't want what Nox wanted and that was okay, this wasn't that. But as he looked over at the other man asleep he wondered if Hayden was lying to himself. He was going above and beyond what was required of him as a friend, or even as a lover. Hayden never expressed wanting to be a part of the family but Nox had asked him to be just that and he'd said yes.
Nox sighed and Hayden's eyes slide open. Hayden's wry smile brightened his green eyes. "Hey."
Nox smiled and nodded. "Hi. You should have woke me up to get her."
Hayden stretched and shook his head. "You needed the sleep and I was awake anyway."
"This isn't your thing." Nox said sitting up craddling Lily with the mechanical arm. He'd slept with his arm wrapped around her and she was perfect in his arms. He could feel the weave of the fabric between her hand and his body, she was so small, so delicate.
"It's yours." Hayden agreed. "You can't live like this Nox. Don't you want to feel that love for her? For real."
Nox sighed and crawled out of bed setting Lily down so he could get dressed. She was still asleep and Hayden stared down at her lying there even as he moved to pull fresh clothes from the bag on the floor. He could have raised his voice in anger -- if he had any feeling towards it at all he might have, but no one was ever going to understand, how could they? And he wasn't angry. Annoyed, frustrated. Tired. He was so tired. Not physically, though there was that too. Tired of never being enough, and now he didn't feel that guilt. And no one would understand it. "And what would you have me do, Hayden? The power is fucking gone. And so is the horde, and the nightmares don't drag me down and suffocate me. My lingering guilt for all the shit I've done isn't pressing in on me. What. Do. You. Want. Me. To. Do?"
Nox didn't actually stop talking after he poignantly asked him what he should do. "I'm either fighting my own internal demons which you then have to listen to my fucking problems, or you are bitching because I'm not myself. I can either be depressed and take unnecessary risk or I can be numb and take unnecessary risks. There is no fixing me. I should be dead, Hayden. Fucking dead like my sister. Do you know how many times I've escaped death? Atharim hunters don't live long and I've fucked up a lot Hayden. I survived a fucking plane crash when many others didn't. I've survived the horde. I've survived nearly blowing myself up with my fucking experiments. I've survived rougs who wanted to eat me alive. I've survived nearly killing myself because of their botched work healing me. I've survived a dreyken attack that should have killed me. And all with in the past year and half Hayden. Not even two years and I should be dead, but I'm not because of the luck of the fucking draw. Because I know healers and how to fight the demons inside me." Nox's words were cold and distant. There was no fury in his voice, he was calm and content, he hadn't flicked to anger. Maybe he didn't have the contacts in yet.
Nox pulled his shirt over his head and walked out of the room. "Fuck!"
Lily started crying and Nox poked his head in with a pile of his clothes in his arms and tossed them on the bed then picked up Lily. Hayden sighed and started getting dressed "Sorry I woke her."
Nox just shrugged and made a bottle with the contents of the bag that were in his closet. He was a good father even if he didn't feel that emotion right now. Hayden tried to remain as calm as Nox was, but he was probably going to fail."You survived all that. You can survive anything Nox."
"Why? Why should I have to? Are you that afraid of me?" There was a tinge of sadness in his voice. "Because without the power whatever danger I posed is not even a blink on your fucking radar." Nox cradled Lily in his arms and fed the baby with ease and grace and Hayden hated he was just being calm.
"I'm terrified of you like this Nox. What happens when your moral compass has no indicator of prior association? Nox you kill without remorse as an Atharim."
Nox stood up and turned quickly almost too quickly and Hayden knew that was an angry gesture, he felt something and Hayden wasn't sure it was a good thing in this moment. "I kill without remorse? Did you ever ask me what I saw in my dreams? It's not just my sister, and my mother and Aria, I see the fucking faces of the dead. The ones I killed, and I didn't even know who some of them were until Jacob showed up in my life. All the bodies on the ground, you think they are random?"
Nox rolled his eyes. "What do you want me to fucking do? What happens if Sage's nanobots can reconnect the power, or I get healed miraculously and the fucking horde comes back. So now on top of my fucking guilt and trauma I have to deal with their fucking instinct to feed fuck and fight. You like that version of me better than this?"
"You don't know that it will come back."
"And you don't know if it won't. You still love me if I'm a fucking feral beast who can't control his dick or his hands and wants to fight and fuck everything? Seriously, that's better than this." Nox put Lily on the bed "Sky, wake Liam and have him come get Lily." He started pacing. Hayden watched as he knew Nox was angry, his mechanical hand was balled tight, he was feeling angry even above all that numbness.
Liam was quickly there, whatever Sky had told him, he didn't look at either him or Nox. He just came in scooped the baby up and then rushed out the door closing it behind him. "You're that angry that I care?"
Nox stalked over to him. Deadly as a cat and the look in his eyes said he could kill him in a stroke of a moment, but Nox didn't lay a finger on him. He stood there staring into Hayden's eyes, the wheels turning, he didn't know what to say, or how to say it. But he wanted to say something. His eyes flicked to the side and Hayden wished he knew what emotion he'd just turned on, what he wanted to do right in that moment. The anger faded to nothing, no emotion. Cold empty eyes, he was back to his new status quo. And Hayden hated it. "I hate seeing you empty Nox. You are full of life. You have a huge heart. I hate that you've lost that feeling. I know it comes with guilt and nightmares. But this, it's not you, no matter how much you want it to be. I'll take feral over nothing." Hayden's voice cracked, he felt the tears welling up in his eyes. He was pissed and sad and he didn't know what else. But he didn't hide it from Nox.
Nox didn't know how to process Hayden. Hayden was more of a player than he was. Maybe not more, at least not with the horde flowing through his veins. He didn't want a family. Didn't want love. He liked romance and soft tender moments, but he didn't want more. And that was fine -- perfect. Easy to end.
This wasn't a confession, but it wasn't not telling him more than he was actually saying. But Nox's mind was everywhere and he felt anger and sadness for brief moments. He leaned into the anger when Hayden told him he was terrified of him. Maybe he should be. But Nox wasn't angry with Hayden, he wasn't angry at anyone -- not really and there was no point in any of it. He felt nothing.
And for Hayden that was the point. He would rather see him fight himself than see nothing in his eyes.
Nox turned and walked into the bathroom. "I'll have Sage look into it and we'll talk with a brain doctor and we'll see what we might do, or how to fix it." Nox didn't turn the emotions back on. He stood in front of the mirror in the silence it created. Even his mind was quiet as he stared into the mirror.
He didn't know how long he stood there before he reached for the eyeliner to apply the simple lines he'd come to wear over the course of the past months. It was part of who he was. Part of the disguise to hide behind. Nox had no delusions that his would ever get fixed. But like with the horde, he wouldn't stop trying to get rid of it. Even if the latter killed him in the end.
The fight was gone and Hayden was left with more confusion and feelings that he started with. Nox walked into the bathroom. And Hayden stood there he'd agreed to fix it and yet Hayden felt like he'd still lost.
Hayden stood there for a good ten minutes waiting for Nox, but he didn't leave the bathroom and there was no sounds of movement. He peeked his head into the room and leaned against the door. Nox was staring at the mirror, didn't even notice that he'd stepped behind him. Hayden didn't say anything until Nox reached for the stick of eyeliner on the sink edge. "We still good?"
Nox's eyes flicked to his in the mirror and then back to finish the last thick line he applied. He did look good with the eyeliner, it wasn't as drastic as last night, and Hayden hadn't actually noticed the change until that evening presented the swaths he'd applied before work. When he was done, Nox turned slowly on his heels and took the three closing steps to Hayden. He grabbed the front of his t-shirt and tugged him close, planting a soft tender kiss on his lips. And when they broke Nox whispered. "We're fine."
Nox walked past him and into his room and Hayden turned on his heels "This doesn't change anything."
Nox didn't turn around but he nodded. "I know. But at least you care enough to fight for it." And that probably meant more to Nox than what he was fighting for. All in all Nox just wanted to be wanted for who he is. Hayden wasn't sure what that meant for him, for Raffe, for Nox, for anyone really. But Nox had a new fight and while it wasn't one he'd chosen for himself Hayden knew one thing -- it would drive Nox forward just like living for Lily did. But he couldn't help but feel something had changed.
Hayden grabbed his shoes and padded his way to the kitchen after Nox. Hayden dropped his shoes with the rest of the collection of all sizes and took a good look at things. Could he do this? Whatever this was? He could only take it one day at a time. Nox didn't want to be with him, that much he knew. But they needed each other at least for a little while.
Hayden plastered a smile on his face even though he wasn't ready to be chipper he didn't it anyway. "Sky, play some fun dancable music." And then Hayden went into the kitchen to help Nox make breakfast. Or at least get in his way.
Rachel was awakened by music playing. The weight of an arm was wrapped around her. Lucio was her first thought, but no - it was Elyse. Elyse began to stir as Rachel sat up, listening to the up-tempo music. She could feel the emotions inside of her, confusing and conflicting. Fear, need, and lust were the strongest ones. They were there and they were strong.
But behind the emotions was something trying to peak through memories of dance parties with Emily and Mara when they were little girls. Memories of school dances, and even though they were filled with the drama of adolescent youth, they were mostly happy ones. Rachel looked around and saw Nox and the man from the night before, her mind drawing blank on his name.
Rachel felt Elyse shift behind her. Elyse’s hand touched her waist as she balanced herself to sit up, but Rachel was almost enthralled by the music that made her remember things from long ago, and her feet began to lightly tap in time to the music. The emotions were there, but right now, she could almost set them aside. She had a distraction that would do for now, and a distraction was a start.
Elyse wasnt awakened by the music. It was Rachel’s movement that prompted her to wake up. Given time the music would have done so. Rachel was sitting up and looking around. Her scent revealed the turmoil of emotions within her. It wasn’t so strong as it had been the day before, but it was there. But as Rachel looked around, the scents muted. They were still there, but their strength had diminished, and even the scent of happiness tried to sneak it.
Elyse shifted to sit up herself. Having to use Rachel a little for balance to do so. She looked around to see Hayden and Nox there. She gave them a brief smile before turning back to Rachel. Rachel hadn’t spoken, but appeared to be listening intently. Elyse noticed a slight movement and could see Rachel tapping her feet to the music. The music was getting through to her.
Elyse smiled, filled with an idea she stood up. She stepped in front of Rachel and took her hands. When Rachel stood looked up she spoke. ”Dance with me.”
Slowly Rachel stood and they began to dance. It wasn’t in time to the music, they spun a bit and did some of the typical moves that two girls growing up would do. It was simple and fun. Elyse kept her eyes open though and noticed that as they began to reach tempo that Rachel was starting to smile. It was working! They reached tempo and Rachel released herself from Elyse’s grasp and spun, coming back to her partner. They kept dancing, lost in the song.