They had been side stepping each other for a while and after a session with the kids Hayden stuck around while to wait for Nox. He waited until he had settled in to eat before he approached, and it wasn't until Nox was done that there was enough awkward silence between them.
He sat there finishing his food. Nox left with a grin and put the baby into her bed in the back room. He came back and leaned against the hallway door. "I assume you wanted to talk. You've been avoiding me."
Hayden chuckled. "I wasn't sure you wanted to talk to me."
Nox shrugged. "I'm not upset with you. You didn't talk me into anything I didn't want to do."
Hayden walked over to Nox and stood in front of him. "Then what is it? I feel the tension, see it in the way you look at me."
Nox sighed. "You see me as me. You like who I am. You want to be part of my family. You just don't want me." He pushed passed like his words meant nothing. Like they didn't matter and started to clean up the kitchen.
"Nox. I don't do relationships, you know this."
He nodded. "I know that, Hayden. That's what I'm pissed about. The man I fucking love doesn't want my help, doesn't even want me in his life anymore. He won't ever trust me because of the fucking Horde in my head. The horde was gone, and any chance I had with him is gone forever. I'm just pissed at the fucking world and all the shit in it. I know I fucked it up."
Nox shook his head. Hayden could see the clenched fisted, the anger boiling inside that he was keeping to himself. It was such a small thing, he looked calm, he sounded calm but Hayden knew there was fury just below the surface. "I'll watch Lily till Liam or Marta come to collect her. You know where to find me."
Nox stared at Hayden with sadness etched all over his face. Hayden didn't like seeing the look much less directed at him. And Nox knew it. He turned and walked back out of the house. Hayden spoke to the AI in the room. "Monitor him Sky. Make sure he doesn't do something stupid."
"On it."
Fury bubbled up inside. Not at Hayden. Not really. There were rules they were all playing by. He knew them. And it wasn't a problem. He didn't love Hayden. He could. If he let himself fall, but it was just that things felt hopeless with Raffe. Nox had pretty much given up hope on every getting back with him.
And there was Jay -- that was way more complicated and he was angry and pissed and yet he was there for his friend. Always there. He pushed aside his feelings. He didn't matter.
And that pissed him off too. It was the end of his good life.
Except it wasn't. He had the kids. He had Oriena and Hayden, but he didn't have love. Not the love he wanted. It grated on every nerve. And Nox didn't want to feel it anymore didn't want to be the one to have the shitty life and deal. He wrapped himself in the emptiness where the power awaited but it only made things slide around. It wasn't gone.
He was angry that he felt everything. Nox felt like he felt more now that he could touch the power again. The horde was still there. It was in the emptiness with him, the voice was just a whisper but he could hear it. He embraced it felt the power of its instincts wash over him. He could tasted the blood from a raw steak. He could feel the blood on his knuckles. He wanted more.
"Wicked I need to know where Ori is now. Give me her location."
It wasn't long before a ping came back with her location. It wasn't the best place in the world but it wasn't some posh apartment he'd feel uncomfortable in either. It wasn't a normal thing. It was something he knew he shouldn't do. But he didn't care as the horde's instincts pushed through him. He embraced them. Felt them. It was hot and angry and it wanted free. Somewhere there was a captive horde, and Nox knew what he should do but right now he wanted the connection -- needed to feel like there was no coming back. And he wanted a connection with a person he wasn't pissed at. Though it wasn't Hayden he was mad at -- not really, but it was a place to put the blame.
Snow fell. The world was whiting out. But Nox didn't care. The snow made everything silent in an otherwise busy city. It irked him a little at the stillness of Moscow while the horde churned inside him. But little phased his advance towards Oriena.
Nox found the location. The building was simple. Outside on the porch sat some gopniks -- Russian's answers to gangbangers. And like all gangbangers Nox had ever met they stepped in front of him as he bound up the stairs. The horde pulsed inside him. The darkness lingered just the edge of the emptiness and there was power in it.
"Who are you?"
Nox gave the Russian in front a look that said don't mess with me, but he obviously didn't know what it meant as he pressed out his chest and made himself look bigger.
"I'm just hear to see Oriena. Not that it's any of your fucking business anyway."
They knew who she was. And he guessed from the way he acted, they didn't want to mess with Nox. Probably a good idea given his mood. He headed up the stairs unadulterated.
Nox knocked -- and waited. His body tensed like a coil. He was ready to take what he wanted.
She didn’t want to be here already. The ritual of Christmas had been enough. But the weather was grim, and Dezhda was adamant the domovoy had warned her the sky was going to fall. It was just snow, but Ori rarely argued the toss over her mother’s delusions. She was sat at the kitchen table, where she’d been muttering in Russian the whole time Ori had been pouting the groceries away. Prayers. Repeated phrases. It wasn’t a bad day necessarily, just a fixated moment. Ori smoothed the hair at her brow as she placed a glass of water by her elbow. The rosary was twisted tight in her fingers, biting skin. Ori ignored that too.
The knock, when it came, slanted her brows low. Nadezhda didn’t get visitors, and Oriena paid local gopniks to keep it that way. There was rarely trouble, though she’d walked in to find Mik here once. He hadn’t been back so far as Ori knew. Her mother never spoke of company anyway.
She could have checked the viewer, but she didn’t, just pulled the chain and yanked it open. Surprise flared before her expression deadened hard. Betrayal chased the immediate anger. Her first instinct was to slam the door on his face.
The door opened. Anger flared in her face but something had been there before. But it didn't matter -- anger was useful for the horde. He knew she'd slam the door on his face. As he reached to grab the front of her shirt he wove a block of air at the bottom of the door so she couldn't move it and break his hand -- good or mechanical, he didn't want to break either. It wasn't an apology as he growled. "I didn't want to wait." But it was meant to lessen his sudden appearance.
He pulled her close and kissed her hard, eager and grasping for connection. It was desperate at the very least. He pulled on their need -- their desire. It was fight or fuck and he was okay with either at least it was a real connection something. He needed something -- someone. He didn't care how right now he needed to feel like someone knew him, wanted him. He'd even take knowing they hated him. Just connection. It hurt and he was willing to make it hurt physically if need be to feel something else.
Oriena had never denied him before. She bit him in anger, not in heat, then released her teeth and shoved him brutally backward. The apartment was tiny. Ori didn’t look back to witness her mother’s expression, but she heard the surprised scrape of a chair. “Ostavaysya vnutri, mama,” she said softly, then she stepped into the hall, pulling the door behind her. It bounced off the weave before she sliced it clean and closed it properly. It didn’t soothe her mood any.
Nox had no right to be here. No clue where here even was, clearly. The anger was hot, sharp, predatory in a way he wouldn’t have seen before. Not careless, not reckless. Protective. She never collided worlds, and Nox had never overstepped. She’d never thought he would. She didn’t doubt he had reasons, and she read the language of desperation clear enough. But for a moment she didn’t trust herself to speak, not without spilling more blood than was already hot on her lips.
It happened fast. The teeth. The pain. The shove. Words in Russian came from Oriena and he only understood one word -- and it was the only word that mattered "mama".
Before he could reconcile what had just happened Nox was careening backwards. He reached out with both hand, but it was the left hand that caught the railing before tumbling backwards down the stairs. If not for the iron grip of the mechanical hand he'd have tumbled backward instead of just wrenching his arm.
Oriena wasn't happy. The fury on her face was unlike any he'd seen but it wasn't pissed off anger -- well not all of it was there was more -- this was not her home -- not a place he should be. He'd crossed a line -- He'd known that going in.
The horde slipped from his grasp much like the power inside would. It didn't threaten to take over in his lapse like it would have before. He had controlled it and it was a thought to consider later, but right now he had an angry bull in front of him and he was the red flag being waved in front of it. But he couldn't just leave. That might damage what they'd built. Not that they talked but they had lines and connections despite the fact that they weren't having a relationship. It was still family.
Nox righted himself and stepped back towards the wall his hands up in surrender before he put them down and made sure the connection to his arm wasn't fucked. That was the first full on weight he'd put on the latching mechansim since he'd gotten it. It held up and he was happy, but he'd have to have Sage run some diagnositics when he remembered later.
"I'll go." He said. But he didn't move. He didn't apologize. Though it was etched on his face. There were things he knew not to do with Oriena and backing down from his intent might be okay but being sorry for it outloud might trigger more. It was better than the alternative. The reason he'd come had just been punched in the face even if he had not. The rejection stung and it bit hard at his mental capacity. Life was draining him right now and he hated feeling it hated what he'd lost but couldn't live without what he'd gained. It was a two edged blade and he danced on its edge cutting his feet in the process. He just stared across the gap at Oriena, unmoving waiting for the other shoe to drop.
She did not move. Her brain felt bleached by feral instinct, her chest tight with the breath which forced its way in and out in those moments of fraught silence. It wasn’t that Nox posed a threat. It was the surprise of him being here, and the way he’d grabbed her in a place she’d rip hearts from chests to protect.
“And go fucking where you moron.”
She dabbed her lip, frowned, let the sigh blow hard. Behind her the door opened a fraction, even though she’d told Dezhda to stay inside. She stepped out fully, one hand braced on Oriena’s arm as she peered at the disturbance on her threshold. She still spoke in Russian, and Oriena answered in kind, softened by the touch. She glanced down at the rosary wound in her mama’s hand afterwards, but she didn’t flinch when the hand rose to slap her sharply across the cheek. That was for a kiss across a threshold – bad luck and disrespect both. And on a day when the sky was falling.
Dezhda looked at Nox afterwards, her expression inscrutable. Then she said something else, to which Ori only replied “Da, mama,” before the woman turned, knocked on her own door jamb, and returned inside. Oriena still didn’t move for a moment more. Her eyes were dark, not anger now, but something flatter. He already saw more than she’d have ever consented to.
“I’m to apologise for biting you,” she said, smile sour, words tight and dry. “And she says you should come in.”
It wasn't their worst stare down. They'd probably have stayed that for a lot longer if the door hadn't opened. A woman stepped out and put her arm on Ori's arm and she visibly softened. Nox turned his gaze to the ground. He had already pushed too far. He growled to himself. He should have texted -- called even before showing up. Regrets...
She spoke in Russian and Nox just waited for the interaction to end to even give Oriena a response. Many things crossed his mind. He stepped closer to Oriena. He didn't want to get her in any more trouble by refusing the invitation. "A little snow isn't going to bother me, Ori" He whispered. He didn't mind her biting him, though his lip did ache, and it probably was bleeding but honestly he didn't care he'd suffered worse. He did reach up with his good hand and caressed her cheek with his thumb. He wanted to say he was only going inside so he didn't make things worse, but saying that and the touch might push her over the already fragile edge. He wished he didn't have to tiptoe around Oriena. And with that thought his mood sank. He wasn't pretending to be anything other than he was -- he was always real with Oriena. She saw his raw emotions -- very rarely saw the faux smile and obnoxious attitude. At least not the front. She probably thought all of him was obnoxious.
Nox wondered her mother knocked on the threshold. Superstitions ran high. Nox glanced at Oriena as he took step to follow. Ori had neither apologized or invited him in but he suspected she disobeyed her mother rarely. It was sorta asking for permission for which she rolled her eyes and slight smile drew across Nox's lips as he took a step inside.
He didn't look around, his eyes followed Oriena's mother. And he didn't introduce himself. Oriena wouldn't want him to be too friendly. He was inside her bubble and Nox was stepping on eggshells more than usual. But he was still curious and followed slowly after her. "Why did you knock on the door frame?" he asked cautiously. He wasn't even sure if she spoke English. Be awkward if she didn't. He gave her a friendly smile and waited to do anything else. This was not his home and he didn't feel welcome knowing Oriena had not invited him in.