Calvin got started on his assignment the next day. He had to admit he was feeling excited about it. Calvin hadn't felt this way in a long time. Chase had given him ten locations and the first was somewhere in the wilderness of Spain.
Calvin started off by running at a normal pace through the Moscow wilderness, feeling free from his struggles. He increased his pace - moving as fast as he had been taught he could. At this rate, it shouldn't take long for him to arrive in Spain.
He arrived in a forest and Calvin began to search. He needed to find an item - something permanent and he began to look for one. He walked through the forest, his wolf eyes scanning until he arrived in a clearing.
In the clearing stood a woman. Calvin recognized her, although he hadn't expected to see her here. Guilt swam into Calvin's mind and his clothes began to shift to what he wore the last time he saw her. A knife and a bottle of whiskey appeared unbidden into his hand.
NO! It wasn't my fault!
Calvin thought closing his eyes. He focused on Lucas. He wouldn't give into it now.
When Calvin opened his eyes, his clothes had returned to normal and the knife was gone. The bottle of whiskey had been replaced by his guitar. He willed it away and stepped forward to the woman. She had turned to face him, but he didn't know how much of the struggle she had witnessed.
"Hi."
Calvin said, not sure of what else to say yet.
Sierra woke in the dream. It was much like the place she'd fallen asleep, a wayward pine. It was comfortable and still winter. She was glad to know she was still asleep but her mind had taken her into the dream, the one place she was sure that Snow could still exist.
She parted the boughs of the pine tree and made her way out from under its protection. There was no wind, only the snow that was forever built up in places this high in the mountains.
Sierra's heart sank the moment she realized where she was. A short distance away a hollowed out tree that had been home to many animals sat in the small clearing of trees. It was neatly nestled between a few rocks and had once provided shelter to her friend, it was the same location in which she'd found him, the dream flickered and blood stains soaked the snow and the den itself.
Sierra heard the whimpering of the pup she'd found, but she knew that was just her mind playing tricks on her. Snow was no longer a pup, he was grown and passed. A wolf howled in the distance, and Sierra was brought to reality, the scene was as pristine as she'd walked to it.
She stood passive, looking at the den, tears ran down her cheeks. She caught whiff of someone standing behind her. Even before he spoke, Sierra knew who it was. She smiled wryly, not reaching her eyes. "You smell different since the last time I saw you."
Sierra didn't turn to face him, she stood and cried softly at the memories.
Calvin didn't approach. Sierra's statement had caught him off guard. He wasn't sure what he had expected her to say, but it hadn't been that. He wanted to ask her how he smelled different, but he wasn't sure if he should. He wasn't sure what he should say at all, but he wanted to talk with her. She seemed to be still upset.
Again the internal struggle happened and Calvin fought for control of himself. Three weeks - he had been free from alcohol for three weeks. Calvin took a deep breath and was calm again. He wondered if Chase had chosen this location on purpose.
The guitar was once again in his hand and he kept it there. It would be a reminder that the drinking and depressed Calvin was gone.
"A lot has happened since then."
Calvin said responding to her statement. "Are you okay? Can we talk?"
The questions just came out. He knew she likely wasn't okay, but she was his friend - at least he hoped she still was. He didn't like to see her hurting, and wanted to help.
Sierra smirked. A lot had happened. She rolled her eyes life moved on. She knew it did, she knew she was stuck, lost without Snow. She didn't want to know about what had happened to him. And she really didn't want to answer his questions. Instead she spoke softly. "This is where I found Drifting Snow."
Sierra splayed the scene she remembered on top of the hollowed out tree. A dead wolf lying meters from the opening, blood everywhere, the wolf was nearly unrecognizable as a wolf, it's pelt stripped of it's body, only the meat left to rot. Sierra sneered at the memory.
Inside the hollow a snow white pup curled and whined into the cold air. "I found him, he'd remained quiet until I got close. And then he whimpered. I took him in my arms and I held him. He licked my face."
Sierra was not doing well. She didn't want to talk, especially to the one person she blamed for it despite the fact it was not his fault. It was no one but the poachers fault, but Sierra had to blame someone. "I thought I saw him the other day. How crazy I sound. Snow is dead."
Sierra manipulated the dream and Calvin saw the memory of her meeting Snow. She had saved Snow's life, and he had been with her for a long time. She would probably hurt for awhile still, but she was strong - stronger than she probably thought.
The last statement caught his attention. He thought he had seen Snow too. "Me too. When I fought the nightmare."
He tried to manipulate the dream, but not being in the location made it more difficult. An image flickered on the den wall of the nightmare with a pack of wolves surrounding it. A dapper white appeared amongst Dawn Wind's pack. Then the image of the wolf as it looked at Calvin appeared before Calvin lost focus.
"He felt like Snow too - but I thought the same. He's gone."
There was a moment of sadness, but suddenly the thought hit him. What if that really was Snow - what if he lived in the dream. This couldn't be coincidental.
Sierra turned to look at Calvin, she wiped at the tear streaks on her cheeks with the back of her gloved hand. Anger boiled up as she looked at him, why would Snow help him? Sierra turned angrily back to the den and cleared away everything but the emptiness of the original scene. No blood spatter, no rotting corpse, just beauty.
A wolf howled again in the distance and Sierra looked towards it. There were no images being sent, but the howl had been there just the same. It almost sounded like Snow. But her friend was lost to the world, he was gone forever.
The same wolf howled again, further away beckoning someone to follow. It wasn't human, her animal instinct took over, she ran, the call that beckoned her inner wolf, and her inner wolf became her appearance. The long sleek legs of a grey wolf carried her towards the sound. Sierra didn't care one way or the other if Calvin had followed.
The wolf howled, Sierra followed. It wasn't a game of chase like she'd played with Snow and Calvin before, it was different, it was like her life depended upon it.
In a clearing sat a snow white wolf. Sierra stopped, her body shifting to human, she tugged her furs around her, a chill enveloped her, like she'd walked over someone's grave. It couldn't be him, he was gone, yet in the middle of the clearing, sat Drifting Snow, his amber eyes gazing at her with hope and fire of life that he held before he died. He howled a greating.
Sierra took one step closer, Snow stood up. That was all it took Sierra ran towards her beloved friend and wrapped her arms around him and cried into his soft fur. He smelled of the forest, he smelled of home.
Sierra was angry. Calvin could feel it in the air and as a wolf howled in the distance and Sierra left. Calvin had hoped it would end better, but that was life. He was going o give up, but couldn't. He had to make sure she was okay, so he followed her.
Calvin found Sierra in the clearing,holding on to Drifting Snow. Calvin knew it was her friend now. He smiled. She would be okay. He knew he wanted her friendship, but wasn't sure he deserved it. Or if she even wanted his friendship anymore.
As he stood there, unsure of whether or not he should be, he made a choice. He loved Sierra - not in the way he loved Mary - but as a close friend. Calvin knew his decision would be painful, but for Sierra he would endure it. He doubted even his guitar would be enough to keep him from the bottle and he would have to call Lucas for the encouragement to stay away. Thankfully, he would have an appointment with Alex soon too.
Calvin sent images to Snow. He sent the longest strain of thoughts that he had ever sent in his life and pleaded with him to tell Sierra.
"Take care of her. She is hurting and needs a friend now. I'm not sure I can be that friend anymore. I care about her deeply, but don't think she can find happiness around me anymore - only pain. I will leave, so she doesn't have to hurt. I wish her all the joy she deserves."
Then he sent images to Snow meant for him.
"I'm sorry about Dawn Wind and for putting your life in danger again. I don't understand why you helped me, but I thank you. I hope we meet again sometime.
With that, Calvin turned. It hurt to do that, but he wanted Sierra to be happy and if that meant he was no longer her friend, then he would have to accept that. He closed his eyes and took a step forward.
Sierra smelled Calvin behind her, Snow was looking over her shoulder at him. She buried her face, she didn't want to see him. Snow whimperes softly in her ear, he sent nothing but he pulled from her arms and walked cautiously past her. Sierra just stayed where she was on her knees, she knew what he was doing, she didn't want to look.
Snow sent her images of pack, of family and friends. Her and Calvin, her and Snow, forever in the night sky. He told her he was always there. Sierra risked a glance, Calvin was walking away when Snow walked up to him and put his his head under his hand and kept pace. He nuzzled his hand, trying to get him to come back.
Sierra frowned, the tears staining her cheeks, but in the dream Snow was alive. Snow sent warning, no dream every night. Bad, danger. Sierra took a deep breath and spoke softly. "He doesn't want you to go. We can talk. I will listen. Snow will help us through whatever it is we need to go through."
The struggle happened again, the guitar in his hand rapidly flickering into whiskey and back again as he tried to fight the urge. He felt Snow nuzzle his hand. Then he heard Sierra's voice, telling him to stay. It was time to work things out.
Snow was still beneath his hand when he stopped, and the bottle and guitar were still flickering in the other. As he turned the guitar solidified. Snow followed him back and lay down next to Sierra, putting his head in her lap. Calvin knelt down and placed the guitar on the ground, the neck over his legs.
He had no idea where to start or what to say as he knelt down. All he knew was that he hoped they could still be friends and that she would forgive him. He felt like she should know everything - at least that she deserved to know everything. "I kind of want to share everything - if that is okay?"
Sierra nodded and Calvin continued. "The night we last saw each other, something happened to me - something broke. It wasn't just from that night."
Calvin then explained everything. He told her of his parents - how his mom had died of cancer and his father committed suicide. For the first time, he told Sierra that he had had a wife and son and they had been killed by a drunk driver. He left nothing out - telling her how he blamed himself for all of it, and how he turned to drinking, sex, and fighting so he didn't have to feel the pain anymore. He explained how when he was sober, he released the wolf and became a vigilante. Calvin told her about Jensen and how he kept him from drinking that night. Finally he told her about the nightmare and Dawn Wind's death.
"After that, I sought help. I've been seeing a counselor and attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I've not had alcohol in three weeks."
He raised the guitar. "This is my shield against that. I've been spending time learning how to control the wolf too. Mostly, things have improved. It's a struggle, but everyday is a victory."
He sighed. "I want you to know that none of this is your fault. I mishandled a lot of things, and I need to take responsibility for that. I told you all of that because I think you should know before I ask this. I've missed you and am sorry for the pain I've caused you. I can't take back that night, and know I do not deserve this. I hope you can forgive me. God knows I don't deserve it."
He didn't know what would happen, but he was ready to accept it.
Calvin laid a whole lot of crap at her feet, things she didn't need to know things that really were not her concern. Information overload, Sierra sat numbly in the cold snow of the dream with her friend warming her leg for the first time in a long time. She could almost pretend that things were normal, except Snow was dead.
And then he presumed she'd feel like this was her fault. His drinking and falling into a cesspool of despair, was her fault. Everything that happened to him affected him, not her, was not her issue, she choose reclusion to vengeance. She'd chosen to hate humanity for it's ways. He was the one who chose to fight, drink and sleep with women with whom there was no connection. Not her choice, not her problem.
Snow whimpered softly against her leg, he knew what she was feeling and didn't want her to hate Calvin, Snow sent her images, soft gentle caring, and one lasting image that Sierra needed pack more than ever. Calvin wasn't her pack. She wasn't even sure she considered him a friend.
He asked for forgiveness, Sierra didn't see why he needed it, even AA, what had he done to her. Nothing to her knowledge. Snow was dead, sure it was his bursting out into the open that had caused them to shoot in the first place, but it was not he who was to blame. Snow grinned at her in her head. He'd helped her see the truth, she was still angry at him. But it was not his fault for killing her friend, for the images that haunted her days and her nights.
Sierra shook her head. "There is nothing to forgive, you've done me no wrong."
She didn't add the fact that he was looking for forgiveness in the wrong place, Sierra didn't think he had forgiven himself, not quite fully yet for all the things he had done.
Sierra didn't want to talk. She looked at the guitar and nodded towards it. "Play something."