Calvin thought he understood her explanation. She was offering to help him forget the things that saddened him. He wasn't sure that was what he wanted. Forgetting would be so nice, but it felt wrong. Dawn Wind had died protecting him. It would dishonor the wolf to forget, and he couldn't forget Mary or Benji. The memories were all he had of them. It just didn't seem right.
He thought about her offer nonetheless. Scared to accept it and scared to not accept it. He felt a brush of hand on his cheek and moved his hand to touch hers as she did so. He gently pulled her hand away. He held it for a bit, the touch reminding him of those gone and then released Nimeda's heand.
"You want me to forget. Right? I thank you, but no. It doesn't feel right. Like I'd be dishonoring his sacrifice if I did."
Calvin shook his head in a negative as he said it. "I'm not alone in that struggle anymore. I'll figure it out with some guidance."
A brief smile came to his face as he thought of Jensen and Giovanni and their help before he went to sleep.
"His name was Dawn Wind. He was a good friend and teacher."
Calvin answered her question as he turned his attention back on the wolf. "If only I would have been a better student, he might still be here."
Calvin stroked the wolf's fur as he said it.
"It's not so bad. The forgetting."
She had no choice in the matter - for her it had to be all right, but nonetheless it was true there was a bliss. A contentment. Ill feeling never lasted. Scars were lost to oblivion. She doubted he could fight her if she chose to force such a gift upon him, or maybe that had only been once, a stronger time. Nimeda was not inclined anyway. His refusal only pushed her thoughts on to other things, not to dwell on acts that would not happen tonight.
"Dawn Wind."
She couldn't even promise to honour his sacrifice herself by remembering that name. When she left this forest, it would be but another memory in a river of them, rushing along in a current that at times bobbed along the surface, and at others dragged all to the depths. The wolf was gone. For such a momentous occasion she'd have expected to feel something, a shift, a note of difference in the air, but the Dreamworld cared nothing for one soul wrenched from its keep.
"A time for everything. For everything a time. Maybe it was already written. He must have loved you, you know. You didn't fail him."
He stroked the fur so sadly. She believed in fate, both cruel and sublime. Perhaps Dawn Wind had imparted a final lesson; if the Dreamworld was to be safe for this wanderer now that he lacked his pack, she could hope so. Otherwise the nightmare would claim him as it had his friend, the next time he travelled unwary. But death came to all; if it was meant to be, it would happen. She didn't worry, just offered comfort for the now.
Calvin continued stroking Dawn Wind's fur. Nimeda said he didnt fail his wolf teacher, but Calvin was unsure about that. It was his nightmare. If Calvin would have left like Dawn Wind said, he'd still be alive.
He set the wolf down reverently and moved back, sitting on there ground and faced the woman. She was pretty, but what he noticed was the lack of golden eyes. Nimeda wasn't like him, yet she was here. He wondered if the woman was some figment of his imagination.
"You're not like me, but you are here. Can others enter the dream too? Why did you come here, and why did you cometo me?"
There was a wariness to his voiceas he remembered the white wolf's warning.
"Because you were troubled,"
she said simply, shrugging. She'd thought that much was clear, but apparently not. He didn't seem to trust her, though she'd done nothing to hurt him, but the wariness was not unexpected. She half remembered a warning issued by another Wolf Brother, but the memory grew foggy under the pressure of trying to answer this one's other questions. For most of it she could only gesture a plaintive unknowing. She did not truly know how she arrived here, or even where she went when she slipped away from this place. Why, how... not anything. And generally the ignorance did not worry her. It just was. It was others who always seemed to want to explain her anomaly. Like Jon.
"I have a friend who knows much more about these things than I. But I've not seen him in a long time."
She paused for a moment. "His eyes aren't gold either. I suppose that answers one question. Did it hurt when they changed? They are beautiful."
Then, after a moment. "Do you think the nightmare may come back?"
Nimeda came simply because he was troubled. Calvin was wary of her, but yet felt guilty for speaking to her so harshly. Her other answer was to the point. Not only those that could talk to wolves could come here.
He wondered why the wolf had warned hiim to be wary. Nimeda had one nothing to hurt him she had offered to help him forget. He didn't know how.that would work, but she hadn't just taken his memories from him. If she had some sort of power that allowed her to do something, he doubted he could prevent it.
Nimeda's next question made him smile, the gesture feeling strange and foreign to him. "No, it didn't hurt. It was quite a surprise when I looked in the mirror though. And thanks. I usually keep them hidden otheewisei get weird looks. By the way, I'm Calvin.
He shivered as shementioned the nightmare and his hand went to the three lines on his chest. "I hope not."
For the first time in awhile, he felt at peace and didn't want to face that again.
He turned his eyes back to the wolf and frowned. He felt guilty and sad. It was his fault. "Will he disappear, or should I bury him?"
Calvin wondered aloud. As far as he was concerned, Dawn Wind had been a hero worthy of a hero's honors.
"Weird looks."
Perplexing. Nimeda half smiled, half looked quizzical. She assimilated that, tried to give herself context for the times that were now versus the times that had been or were yet to come. "It wasn't always that way. Or won't be."
Of that she was sure, but lacked any explanation for the certainty, so the thought drifted. His name she did not repeat, only because she was not sure it would help her to remember beyond this encounter. Jon had felt familiar, also in a way that was beyond her understanding, but Calvin was different. She recognised what he was more than who. And she had come because of the nightmare.
She did not mention the nightmare again, perhaps because of his reaction, or perhaps because its memory had already begun to lose potency for her. Instead her gaze fell back upon the wolf's empty body. Possibly it was only Calvin's belief that kept it here, the soul was gone, the essence that had composed Dawn Wind evaporated from this place. Maybe from all places? She shivered, gathered her knees to her chest. "We shall bury him, of course."
It didn't matter to anyone but him, but the act of honour might help. There were more ways to soothe a hurt than to erase its memory.
Calvin laughed as Nimeda tried to emulate a weird look. It was his first real laugh in a long time. He had to admit that Nimeda was cute. She was an enigma. She looked to be about in her mid-twenties, and yet seemed to possess a wisdom beyond her years. The cuteness factor came from the fact that at the same time, she seemed so childlike. Calvin wasn't sure what gave him this feeling,but it was there nonetheless.
The laugh wasn't to make fun of her. "Sorry. That face made me laugh. Thank you. I haven't really laughed in a long time.
Calvin turned back towards Dawn Wind and saddened once more. He sighed and thought of a shovel and one appeared in hi hand.
It was the dream. He could have probably just thought of a hole in the fround, but that didn't seem right. He dug the hole himself for his friend and reverently placed the body inthe hole. He then poured dirt back onto it, sealing the hole and thought of a gravestone. It was simple with nothing but a wolf embedded in it. It wouldn't exist in the real world, but Calvin could always come back here.
He had no words to say, but he said a Native American prayer of thanks that his mother had taught him. The words seemed appropriate. He turned back to Nimeda. "You really came herefor me? How did you know?"
She was unique and he owed her a lot. She didn't know how much her prescence had calmed him. He had almost forgotten the warning the wolf that looked like Snow had given him. He wondered what it was about. She seemed harmless enough. He knew however that he would have to leave the dream soon.
She hadn't intended to make him laugh, and was not even quite sure what she had done, but was glad for it anyway. A smile peeked at the corners of her lips, bright and cheerful in her eyes. "You are welcome!"
she offered, quite genuinely. Sadly moments later the lightness evaporated from him, and she remembered the wolf, but at least for a while the grief had faded.
Nimeda stood as Calvin set about the grim task, hovering around the edges without interfering in what she supposed was something private. He seemed to know what he was doing, and manipulated the dreamworld to his whim. Afterwards he spoke words and she bowed her head in a way that felt both polite and reverential.
Then came more questions!
She nodded solemnly. "I think so. It's hard to explain, I wish I could..."
Her gaze lifted to take in the tops of the trees as she tried to articulate what was clearly a trial for her. "I went where I was needed, I suppose. Jon says you shouldn't do that. It could take you anywhere after all."
A pause, a small rueful grin. "Like the middle of a nightmare."
Not that the danger bothered her, nor the inconvenience. She was at home here. "You should sleep better now its gone. I could keep an eye out if you wanted?"
Calvin nodded. It was time for him to really sleep and get out of here. Nimeda offered protection from more nightmares - at least he thought she did. Could you do that?
"I think I'll be good now. I don't want to inconvenience you. If you'd like to keep an eye out, that would be okay, but don't feel obliged. You've helped already.
Calvin looked at the mound where Dawn Wind now lay and turned back to Nimeda.
"Maybe someday, I'll see you in the waking world. For now though, I must sleep.
He smiled and then left the dream, returning to Jensen's apartment
Continued in
Seeking Control
Edited by
Calvin, Dec 22 2014, 11:58 AM.