09-13-2018, 12:02 AM
(This post was last modified: 09-13-2018, 02:47 AM by Jay Carpenter.)
He didn’t mind the storm breaking. He’d barely recalled the last time he showered. Probably needed a good bit of a soaking down. Part of the reason for the Stetson, since his hair looked like a right shitty, mussed up hay bale. And the fact that it was fucking awesome. Promise not to tell anyone, but his favorite part of his dress blues was the cap. And maybe the saber. Definitely the saber. Okay a tie. For fuck’s sake, though, who else this day and age got to strap on a fucking saber? It was glorious. The weapon was ceremonial, but Jay appreciated the blade for so much more than symbolism.
His legs were lead by the time he made it back to the hotel. Of course, he left the keycard and had no way to breech the emergency exit short of melting down the steel door. As that seemed like a nice invitation for stealthy entrance of murderous drug lord thugs, he avoided the need and stalked around the wide building back to the main entrance.
The doorman was less enthusiastic about his entrance this time. No waves for Mr. Carpenter.
He stomped out his boots best he could, but the rain pelted him alive. His shirt stuck to his chest invisible. The blast of air conditioning rippling goosebumps down his arms. At least the Stetson would have drawn the water off his eyes. Instead, he had to deal with a few attempts to swipe it aside just to see.
He left a puddle as he stalked to the front desk and asked for a replacement key. ”Tell housekeeping I’m sorry in advance.” He tried to diffuse the receptionist’s concern with a smile, but his heart wasn’t in it.
He slipped the key into a pocket alongside Alistair’s tech when a voice gripped him by the spine.
“Jay?”
He slowly turned, praying that his head finally broke and he’d gone insane. Instead, there stood Anna Marie in her skirt and high heels and silky brown hair and glossy lips.
He swallowed. Hers had been the first face to jump to mind when he hung up with Alistair. The idea turned his stomach. Not that Anna Marie did that. She’d always find a place in his head and heart. But, he rubbed his eyes.
Of course, that was interpreted as some kind of silent invitation to her. Gentle hands led him to the elevator. He didn’t resist.
In the time it took to get inside, he’d read Cayli’s message. Could feel the urgency in it. The accusation. He’d done something alright, though the kid could never know what. She had to have encountered Natalie then. Question was, did Natalie find her or the other way around? Nat could barely walk last he saw her. … Last I left her…
He swallowed and sank against the elevator walls. The trip vertical was somehow simultaneously painfully slow and all too swift. Hands pressed to his chest. Squeezed his neck. Fingers nudged their ways twisted with his.
He’d never eaten. Barely slept in 36 hours. The rain may have counted for a shower, but he still felt dirty.
The numbness in which he walked to his room was not inspired by alcohol. Though that would have been far more preferable. His eyes trailed upon Natalie’s door just then, silently wishing it to be flung open and someone, anyone, force confrontation upon him. If only to interrupt what he didn’t want to do. Yet, his head told him was the right thing.
He was going to burn in hell.
He didn’t stop Anna Marie when she trailed him through the dark portal to his room. Rain pelted the window. At least thunder and water masked her murmuring when she peeled the shirt from his skin.
His heart was soon pounding even as his head fought with his body. Everything he wanted was twenty feet away, but it was so easy to sink into familiar arms. Nox would probably shake his head in disappointment if he knew. Light knew Jay was disappointed for the both of them.
He should not have kissed Natalie at the ball. It was a mistake, or so he told himself. Anna Marie’s skirt was hiked to her thighs when she pulled him close. The bitter scent of cigarette smoke wafted from the hair Jay gripped in his fist. He’d not hurt her, but he clung like he was afraid of letting go.
Her fingers blazed heat up and down his stomach, but unlike the brush of Natalie’s, this twisted his insides into knots. Guilt welled just to consider the comparison. Anna Marie deserved better than Jay. Her’s were the first hands to ever hold him so affectionately. High school sweethearts, right? They weren’t the last, but there was a special place in the soul for your first? Right? The press of her lips were familiar, the nibble on his ears resurrecting ancient nostalgia that made him briefly yearn for simpler days. Saturday nights in the truck on gravel roadsides. Music lulling them into a trance that two people could not break even if they wanted to.
He could just lie and tell Natalie that he wanted Anna Marie instead. She already baited him with the accusation earlier, the one that sent her seeking oblivion instead. I want you so fiercely it frightens me.
Jay’s fists balled up on the sheets just to keep him from leaving.
Fresh air washed his back cold when the undressing continued, but warmer skin beckoned to sink nearer. Was it really so bad? Yeah, he was using Annie, but he loved her also. He’d always love her. She wanted it too. Probably not like this, not when it was a lie. But the eagerness of her grip and the heat to her quickly-drawn breath said otherwise; she led him onward, but Jay didn’t stop it either. Her lashes fluttered as they both gasped.
He’d never be able to lie to Natalie. Fabricate that this happened when it didn’t. The only way to tell her it was over between them before it ever started was to do something that proved it. Then let the proof speak the lie he couldn’t.
God he was a coward.
He was panting when he fell to stillness. Their breath warm upon one another’s faces. Anna Marie was looking at him so expectantly. It almost broke him to say it.
“I can’t.” He whispered, and shoved away from her. She was beautiful, glistening with his rainwater and the glow of her own flushed skin. The lightning flashed them both with ghostly pallor the color of the bedsheets in the next heartbeat, and the spell shattered like glass. He had to get out of arm's reach before the last drop of will-power evaporated forever.
He shook his head, body fighting his damned head's logic, as he pulled on his shorts far from tempting reach.
It wasn’t long before the yelling started. In moments, curses erupted. For screwing with her again. For being a coward. Prick. Liar. Things all true. If Anna Marie even knew half the story.
Jay leaned around the edge of the frame, watching as she fled barefoot toward the elvators. When he had enough of his senses together to realize someone else was there, he jumped. Across the hall, hovering on Natalie’s threshold, his baby sister was utterly horrified. He held the blue eyes that were so like his own for a second. Shame crossed her angelic expression that practically stabbed his soul.
He didn’t even try to defend himself.
When the door was closed once again, he grabbed the Stetson, flung it over his face and laid atop the disheveled blankets, willing away the pressure and ache wrenching his body inside and out. He finally channeled that bottle to himself he’d wanted all day long and sipped at it.
If he was going to hell, might as well take some company along. He snapped a picture quickly. Shadowed in the low-light, angles of shorts and the rim of a black hat covering everything from the chin up, he sent it on to probably the only person in the world that knew what living with damnation deserved was like.
When the rush of adrenaline and pulse of blood pushing painfully through his body receded, a restless sleep took its place.
His legs were lead by the time he made it back to the hotel. Of course, he left the keycard and had no way to breech the emergency exit short of melting down the steel door. As that seemed like a nice invitation for stealthy entrance of murderous drug lord thugs, he avoided the need and stalked around the wide building back to the main entrance.
The doorman was less enthusiastic about his entrance this time. No waves for Mr. Carpenter.
He stomped out his boots best he could, but the rain pelted him alive. His shirt stuck to his chest invisible. The blast of air conditioning rippling goosebumps down his arms. At least the Stetson would have drawn the water off his eyes. Instead, he had to deal with a few attempts to swipe it aside just to see.
He left a puddle as he stalked to the front desk and asked for a replacement key. ”Tell housekeeping I’m sorry in advance.” He tried to diffuse the receptionist’s concern with a smile, but his heart wasn’t in it.
He slipped the key into a pocket alongside Alistair’s tech when a voice gripped him by the spine.
“Jay?”
He slowly turned, praying that his head finally broke and he’d gone insane. Instead, there stood Anna Marie in her skirt and high heels and silky brown hair and glossy lips.
He swallowed. Hers had been the first face to jump to mind when he hung up with Alistair. The idea turned his stomach. Not that Anna Marie did that. She’d always find a place in his head and heart. But, he rubbed his eyes.
Of course, that was interpreted as some kind of silent invitation to her. Gentle hands led him to the elevator. He didn’t resist.
In the time it took to get inside, he’d read Cayli’s message. Could feel the urgency in it. The accusation. He’d done something alright, though the kid could never know what. She had to have encountered Natalie then. Question was, did Natalie find her or the other way around? Nat could barely walk last he saw her. … Last I left her…
He swallowed and sank against the elevator walls. The trip vertical was somehow simultaneously painfully slow and all too swift. Hands pressed to his chest. Squeezed his neck. Fingers nudged their ways twisted with his.
He’d never eaten. Barely slept in 36 hours. The rain may have counted for a shower, but he still felt dirty.
The numbness in which he walked to his room was not inspired by alcohol. Though that would have been far more preferable. His eyes trailed upon Natalie’s door just then, silently wishing it to be flung open and someone, anyone, force confrontation upon him. If only to interrupt what he didn’t want to do. Yet, his head told him was the right thing.
He was going to burn in hell.
He didn’t stop Anna Marie when she trailed him through the dark portal to his room. Rain pelted the window. At least thunder and water masked her murmuring when she peeled the shirt from his skin.
His heart was soon pounding even as his head fought with his body. Everything he wanted was twenty feet away, but it was so easy to sink into familiar arms. Nox would probably shake his head in disappointment if he knew. Light knew Jay was disappointed for the both of them.
He should not have kissed Natalie at the ball. It was a mistake, or so he told himself. Anna Marie’s skirt was hiked to her thighs when she pulled him close. The bitter scent of cigarette smoke wafted from the hair Jay gripped in his fist. He’d not hurt her, but he clung like he was afraid of letting go.
Her fingers blazed heat up and down his stomach, but unlike the brush of Natalie’s, this twisted his insides into knots. Guilt welled just to consider the comparison. Anna Marie deserved better than Jay. Her’s were the first hands to ever hold him so affectionately. High school sweethearts, right? They weren’t the last, but there was a special place in the soul for your first? Right? The press of her lips were familiar, the nibble on his ears resurrecting ancient nostalgia that made him briefly yearn for simpler days. Saturday nights in the truck on gravel roadsides. Music lulling them into a trance that two people could not break even if they wanted to.
He could just lie and tell Natalie that he wanted Anna Marie instead. She already baited him with the accusation earlier, the one that sent her seeking oblivion instead. I want you so fiercely it frightens me.
Jay’s fists balled up on the sheets just to keep him from leaving.
Fresh air washed his back cold when the undressing continued, but warmer skin beckoned to sink nearer. Was it really so bad? Yeah, he was using Annie, but he loved her also. He’d always love her. She wanted it too. Probably not like this, not when it was a lie. But the eagerness of her grip and the heat to her quickly-drawn breath said otherwise; she led him onward, but Jay didn’t stop it either. Her lashes fluttered as they both gasped.
He’d never be able to lie to Natalie. Fabricate that this happened when it didn’t. The only way to tell her it was over between them before it ever started was to do something that proved it. Then let the proof speak the lie he couldn’t.
God he was a coward.
He was panting when he fell to stillness. Their breath warm upon one another’s faces. Anna Marie was looking at him so expectantly. It almost broke him to say it.
“I can’t.” He whispered, and shoved away from her. She was beautiful, glistening with his rainwater and the glow of her own flushed skin. The lightning flashed them both with ghostly pallor the color of the bedsheets in the next heartbeat, and the spell shattered like glass. He had to get out of arm's reach before the last drop of will-power evaporated forever.
He shook his head, body fighting his damned head's logic, as he pulled on his shorts far from tempting reach.
It wasn’t long before the yelling started. In moments, curses erupted. For screwing with her again. For being a coward. Prick. Liar. Things all true. If Anna Marie even knew half the story.
Jay leaned around the edge of the frame, watching as she fled barefoot toward the elvators. When he had enough of his senses together to realize someone else was there, he jumped. Across the hall, hovering on Natalie’s threshold, his baby sister was utterly horrified. He held the blue eyes that were so like his own for a second. Shame crossed her angelic expression that practically stabbed his soul.
He didn’t even try to defend himself.
When the door was closed once again, he grabbed the Stetson, flung it over his face and laid atop the disheveled blankets, willing away the pressure and ache wrenching his body inside and out. He finally channeled that bottle to himself he’d wanted all day long and sipped at it.
If he was going to hell, might as well take some company along. He snapped a picture quickly. Shadowed in the low-light, angles of shorts and the rim of a black hat covering everything from the chin up, he sent it on to probably the only person in the world that knew what living with damnation deserved was like.
When the rush of adrenaline and pulse of blood pushing painfully through his body receded, a restless sleep took its place.
Only darkness shows you the light.