01-15-2023, 09:37 PM
He shook as he walked. Legs obedient on instinct. The rest of him moved in disbelief. Heart pounding with blind rage and crushing defeat. He was aware of shadows following along. They spoke. But he heard none of it. Nothing until his arm was grabbed. He wrenched it back, spinning to find it was Nox.
He just looked at the other man. But it was apparent no more punches were going to be thrown. Pleading rimmed his eyes already swelling from the fisting. Jay's knuckles burned still. Flecks of skin open across the round bone. But he didn’t wince. Just stared. Jaw tight. The shell emptied of feeling he couldn’t handle any more.
”I’m sorry I did it the way I did. I didn’t explain the shit I was going through. I was weak. It’s not your fault. I don’t want to want to fight you. I just love him. I have nothing to offer but my word. And I broke it. I said I’d be faithful. I promised. I tried to tell you but this fucking shit in my head. I’m broken, and I can’t fix it. I’m sorry for whatever it’s worth.”
Those nearest had stepped away. Wary that the fight would continue. Fear justified. It might have. One swing of the arm would have dropped Nox to the ground. The bell of victory rung. Or better yet, the cattle prod gave him an idea for a new weave. Fire to burn and spirit to spark. For all they knew, Jay might clamp his hands around the other man’s throat. And he saw the hopelessness in Nox’s gaze that he give it a try. End the suffering like it would have been mercy. He knew that demon well. They were basically roommates inside Jay's own skull.
He didn’t leave. But he didn’t say anything either. Not yet. He might have grabbed the man by the shoulder. Snaked a hand around his neck and buried their foreheads low and accepting together. As easy as dropping him unconscious. But he didn't move. Couldn't. Yielding to Nox's humanity was as good as forgiving himself. Not possible. There was too much shit. Too much darkness. Nox wasn’t the only one who was broken. Heat grew in his eyes. And it wasn't rage.
He scrubbed a hand through his hair, breaking the gaze for the first time. He couldn’t look at him when he said it.
“Goodbye, Nox,” he spoke quietly. Like a surrender. Then with clenched teeth and flexed jaw, he turned to leave a second time.
He just looked at the other man. But it was apparent no more punches were going to be thrown. Pleading rimmed his eyes already swelling from the fisting. Jay's knuckles burned still. Flecks of skin open across the round bone. But he didn’t wince. Just stared. Jaw tight. The shell emptied of feeling he couldn’t handle any more.
”I’m sorry I did it the way I did. I didn’t explain the shit I was going through. I was weak. It’s not your fault. I don’t want to want to fight you. I just love him. I have nothing to offer but my word. And I broke it. I said I’d be faithful. I promised. I tried to tell you but this fucking shit in my head. I’m broken, and I can’t fix it. I’m sorry for whatever it’s worth.”
Those nearest had stepped away. Wary that the fight would continue. Fear justified. It might have. One swing of the arm would have dropped Nox to the ground. The bell of victory rung. Or better yet, the cattle prod gave him an idea for a new weave. Fire to burn and spirit to spark. For all they knew, Jay might clamp his hands around the other man’s throat. And he saw the hopelessness in Nox’s gaze that he give it a try. End the suffering like it would have been mercy. He knew that demon well. They were basically roommates inside Jay's own skull.
He didn’t leave. But he didn’t say anything either. Not yet. He might have grabbed the man by the shoulder. Snaked a hand around his neck and buried their foreheads low and accepting together. As easy as dropping him unconscious. But he didn't move. Couldn't. Yielding to Nox's humanity was as good as forgiving himself. Not possible. There was too much shit. Too much darkness. Nox wasn’t the only one who was broken. Heat grew in his eyes. And it wasn't rage.
He scrubbed a hand through his hair, breaking the gaze for the first time. He couldn’t look at him when he said it.
“Goodbye, Nox,” he spoke quietly. Like a surrender. Then with clenched teeth and flexed jaw, he turned to leave a second time.
Only darkness shows you the light.