06-29-2023, 10:37 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-30-2023, 03:04 AM by Jay Carpenter.)
Despite the tightness gripping his chest, his heart was beating slow and steady. Every inch of him was relaxed yet he swallowed nervously when Natalie hooked a finger in a beltloop that might as well have tugged on his soul. He took a step forward.
Since Mexico there was a hole inside that was just getting bigger and bigger and darker and darker. He’d filled that hole with nothing but alcohol and pain. When numbing didn’t work, hurting so bad that you could think of nothing else did the trick. Staring into her eyes, he thought of the last time he’d stared so deeply into them he wondered if he might actually get lost. They'd been a world away in that crappy hotel. Here, they were surrounded by expense and beauty to such stark contrast, Jay was almost afraid to touch anything. And surrounded by the same, Natalie was as beautiful as he’d ever seen her. With a dress that dripped from her shoulders. Or maybe every time he saw her was the most beautiful she'd ever been. He wasn't sure.
His hand trailed up her arm, careful of the gown, but it was really her that he didn’t want to damage.
And surely he would. What could he offer? He couldn’t commit a life that didn’t belong to him. He didn’t even know where he was going tomorrow. Then again, if freedom was an option, would he even take it? He’d turned it down three times before, opting to run back to blood and orders just to escape responsibility for himself. Why? Because he couldn’t trust himself to do the right thing? It was a good lie. One that was on repeat. But the truth was as dark as that hole inside, and it was a truth he didn't want to hear. That this kind of life was easier. It was black and white. Get an order; follow it. Good guys and bad guys. Do the good thing; kill the bad thing. Everything else was shades of gray; and it was too damn hard to figure out which gray was gray-enough; which gray was light-enough. But there was another truth buried even deeper than that. One he ignored even now. It was exhausting.
And Jay was tired. He was more tired than he’d ever been in his life. Though as his hand crested Natalie’s shoulder, fingers toying with the strap on that gorgeous dress, he knew he wasn’t that tired. He'd be dead before being that tired. “Sure. But fair warning, I went commando tonight,” he started to grin, but before he could kiss her, the door dinged.
Their food had been delivered.
Since Mexico there was a hole inside that was just getting bigger and bigger and darker and darker. He’d filled that hole with nothing but alcohol and pain. When numbing didn’t work, hurting so bad that you could think of nothing else did the trick. Staring into her eyes, he thought of the last time he’d stared so deeply into them he wondered if he might actually get lost. They'd been a world away in that crappy hotel. Here, they were surrounded by expense and beauty to such stark contrast, Jay was almost afraid to touch anything. And surrounded by the same, Natalie was as beautiful as he’d ever seen her. With a dress that dripped from her shoulders. Or maybe every time he saw her was the most beautiful she'd ever been. He wasn't sure.
His hand trailed up her arm, careful of the gown, but it was really her that he didn’t want to damage.
And surely he would. What could he offer? He couldn’t commit a life that didn’t belong to him. He didn’t even know where he was going tomorrow. Then again, if freedom was an option, would he even take it? He’d turned it down three times before, opting to run back to blood and orders just to escape responsibility for himself. Why? Because he couldn’t trust himself to do the right thing? It was a good lie. One that was on repeat. But the truth was as dark as that hole inside, and it was a truth he didn't want to hear. That this kind of life was easier. It was black and white. Get an order; follow it. Good guys and bad guys. Do the good thing; kill the bad thing. Everything else was shades of gray; and it was too damn hard to figure out which gray was gray-enough; which gray was light-enough. But there was another truth buried even deeper than that. One he ignored even now. It was exhausting.
And Jay was tired. He was more tired than he’d ever been in his life. Though as his hand crested Natalie’s shoulder, fingers toying with the strap on that gorgeous dress, he knew he wasn’t that tired. He'd be dead before being that tired. “Sure. But fair warning, I went commando tonight,” he started to grin, but before he could kiss her, the door dinged.
Their food had been delivered.
Only darkness shows you the light.