Yesterday, 01:52 AM
It took a broken man to see the fractures in another. Fuck, but they were obvious to Jay.
He didn’t know what to say. There was nothing to say.
It felt like some sort of unspoken goodbye, though maybe that was just the grief of an old life slamming its door on his soul. Ironically enough, Nox had only been a small part in that old life, but now he was the great symbol of it all. Misery, battle, fighting and feeling alive. Since the tunnels, since their fight, Jay was little better than a sack of breathing meat. Going through the motions. And one zombie always sensed another. Maybe time would help them both. That’s what everyone said, right? Give it time? Time heals all wounds? You’ll forget. Move on.
He didn’t know what Nox was grieving. Maybe it was the same thing Jay grieved: the death of purpose. The long, dull ache of waking up everyday with no fight to justify your breath. Just a shell doing what was expected. A performance of muscle memory. But without a cause to make it worth it all. A soldier fighting a battle that no longer existed; living with nothing to fight for.
That hunger to feel alive almost welled up in him right there. The one that said to do something just to feel alive again climbed up his throat. For a split second, part of him wanted to pick a fight with Nox and the other part wanted to grab him hard, just to see if it sparked any response in either of them. It was a stupid idea, and he’d do neither, nor would he choose to hurt Natalie like that nor use Nox like that either. But he did have a question. Because of everyone walking the planet, Nox had to have the answer.
Jay glanced sideways. No preamble.
“What keeps you from ending it all? Bullet in the brain and just be done with it?”
He never really thought of himself as suicidal. Back in the Corps, he’d taken the courses, knew the acronyms. Trained to recognize the tells in his peers when they were found. R.A.C.E., OSCAR, ASIST. He knew the playbook. Knew it cold. And he’d seen it in himself for months now. The slide into silence. But something was keeping him from making the call.
He didn’t know what to say. There was nothing to say.
It felt like some sort of unspoken goodbye, though maybe that was just the grief of an old life slamming its door on his soul. Ironically enough, Nox had only been a small part in that old life, but now he was the great symbol of it all. Misery, battle, fighting and feeling alive. Since the tunnels, since their fight, Jay was little better than a sack of breathing meat. Going through the motions. And one zombie always sensed another. Maybe time would help them both. That’s what everyone said, right? Give it time? Time heals all wounds? You’ll forget. Move on.
He didn’t know what Nox was grieving. Maybe it was the same thing Jay grieved: the death of purpose. The long, dull ache of waking up everyday with no fight to justify your breath. Just a shell doing what was expected. A performance of muscle memory. But without a cause to make it worth it all. A soldier fighting a battle that no longer existed; living with nothing to fight for.
That hunger to feel alive almost welled up in him right there. The one that said to do something just to feel alive again climbed up his throat. For a split second, part of him wanted to pick a fight with Nox and the other part wanted to grab him hard, just to see if it sparked any response in either of them. It was a stupid idea, and he’d do neither, nor would he choose to hurt Natalie like that nor use Nox like that either. But he did have a question. Because of everyone walking the planet, Nox had to have the answer.
Jay glanced sideways. No preamble.
“What keeps you from ending it all? Bullet in the brain and just be done with it?”
He never really thought of himself as suicidal. Back in the Corps, he’d taken the courses, knew the acronyms. Trained to recognize the tells in his peers when they were found. R.A.C.E., OSCAR, ASIST. He knew the playbook. Knew it cold. And he’d seen it in himself for months now. The slide into silence. But something was keeping him from making the call.
Only darkness shows you the light.