06-18-2014, 04:55 PM
He stopped dead. Two men were hefting that box down the hall and into the elevator. There she was, standing in the doorway. He felt like he had been punched in the stomach. But she only looked at him for a moment, a smile on her lips, those eyes just....he clenched his jaw. Then she went inside and closed the door. He stood there for a moment, frozen, an avalanche of emotion suddenly released. Gradually he got himself under control, calmed his heart, and made himself take one step. Then another. He came to her door and stopped. He looked at it, imagined he could see her behind it, could smell her. He waited for a moment, listening, and then walked on. It was the hardest thing at that very moment, to make that one leg move, then the other, until he was at the elevator.
He waited for a little bit. He didn't want to see the box being man-handled across the lobby or out in the street. Once he got down below, he went outside and just started running, an easy pace that he could maintain for a long time, breath deep but regular. His body would pump along, a machine, using his energy, releasing endorphins, calming him. He could think without feeling lost or overwhelmed.
It did mean something that she had gotten rid of it. He knew that. He wasn't oblivious. But how long would it last? Who was she, really? Part of him felt like he'd known her forever. But she was a stranger. Clearly she was a stranger. What had he been thinking? He hadn't even known her name. And while he believed her emotion was real- he knew it was- she also had been able to kill people and not feel a twinge of conscience. You don't know that, Connor. You don't know why she got into that line of work True. And she'd been military. She'd mentioned that the other day, too. Probably a sniper. What was the difference, really? Well, for one, the government, presumably for the best reasons, needed the job done. But he wasn't stupid. He knew the government made mistakes, could be corrupt. It was entirely possible for a good person to do bad things believing they were right because those they trusted were wrong or corrupt.
If that had been just that, this wouldn't have been an issue. Or at least not much of one. But she killed for money. The people who hired out that kind of work were not good. A good person doesn't pay someone to kill someone else. So she worked for bad people. Good. Bad. He sounded like he was 5. But he had his personal moral code. And while there were always grey areas, he thought that in general, that was a pretty inarguable rule. Now maybe he was wrong. Maybe the good guys sometimes hired out for a assassins. What did he know? But he could only judge the situation based on what he knew.
Her family, though. She'd had a family and had been forced to work to protect them. Wasn't that a kind of goodness? What if it had been Hayden being held, and he told to kill. Would he do it? In all honesty, he just didn't know, couldn't know. He didn't know anything, really.
Except that he was scared, terrified to trust this woman. He wanted to, desperately. But what if, even with the best of intentions, she couldn't make that change. What if she discovered it was part of her, who she was. What if she resented him, or realized that she didn't want to be with him and abandoned him. His heart flinched at even imagining going through that again. The scars from the first time had been so very deep. He still carried them. He couldn't risk it. Not with a woman like that. Not when the potential agony was so great.
So what do you do? Do you go back to being alone? Do you resign yourself to just being by yourself for the rest of your life? He didn't want to meet anyone new. After Ayden, how they had clicked, after the experiencing the ease and natural connection that they had, well, you didn't find that very often. It felt like something died inside him. Hope. Hope for the future.
Then he thought of Hayden. I promised to live. But how could he live like this? He felt trapped, lost. He could move. But even as his heart was to afraid to go back to her, the thought of never seeing her again scared him too.
On and on he ran. He didn't know what he was going to do.
Continued in Gracie's Gym
Edited by Connor Kent, Jun 20 2014, 08:48 AM.
He waited for a little bit. He didn't want to see the box being man-handled across the lobby or out in the street. Once he got down below, he went outside and just started running, an easy pace that he could maintain for a long time, breath deep but regular. His body would pump along, a machine, using his energy, releasing endorphins, calming him. He could think without feeling lost or overwhelmed.
It did mean something that she had gotten rid of it. He knew that. He wasn't oblivious. But how long would it last? Who was she, really? Part of him felt like he'd known her forever. But she was a stranger. Clearly she was a stranger. What had he been thinking? He hadn't even known her name. And while he believed her emotion was real- he knew it was- she also had been able to kill people and not feel a twinge of conscience. You don't know that, Connor. You don't know why she got into that line of work True. And she'd been military. She'd mentioned that the other day, too. Probably a sniper. What was the difference, really? Well, for one, the government, presumably for the best reasons, needed the job done. But he wasn't stupid. He knew the government made mistakes, could be corrupt. It was entirely possible for a good person to do bad things believing they were right because those they trusted were wrong or corrupt.
If that had been just that, this wouldn't have been an issue. Or at least not much of one. But she killed for money. The people who hired out that kind of work were not good. A good person doesn't pay someone to kill someone else. So she worked for bad people. Good. Bad. He sounded like he was 5. But he had his personal moral code. And while there were always grey areas, he thought that in general, that was a pretty inarguable rule. Now maybe he was wrong. Maybe the good guys sometimes hired out for a assassins. What did he know? But he could only judge the situation based on what he knew.
Her family, though. She'd had a family and had been forced to work to protect them. Wasn't that a kind of goodness? What if it had been Hayden being held, and he told to kill. Would he do it? In all honesty, he just didn't know, couldn't know. He didn't know anything, really.
Except that he was scared, terrified to trust this woman. He wanted to, desperately. But what if, even with the best of intentions, she couldn't make that change. What if she discovered it was part of her, who she was. What if she resented him, or realized that she didn't want to be with him and abandoned him. His heart flinched at even imagining going through that again. The scars from the first time had been so very deep. He still carried them. He couldn't risk it. Not with a woman like that. Not when the potential agony was so great.
So what do you do? Do you go back to being alone? Do you resign yourself to just being by yourself for the rest of your life? He didn't want to meet anyone new. After Ayden, how they had clicked, after the experiencing the ease and natural connection that they had, well, you didn't find that very often. It felt like something died inside him. Hope. Hope for the future.
Then he thought of Hayden. I promised to live. But how could he live like this? He felt trapped, lost. He could move. But even as his heart was to afraid to go back to her, the thought of never seeing her again scared him too.
On and on he ran. He didn't know what he was going to do.
Continued in Gracie's Gym
Edited by Connor Kent, Jun 20 2014, 08:48 AM.