05-26-2019, 10:52 PM
It didn’t take a psychologist to recognize Nox’s dysfunction. What followed to his question was a long-winded recollection of memories stirred up by a damaged psyche. The question itself did that, but the stark contrast between Nikolai’s own immediate, knee-jerk answer and the convoluted monologue of Nox’s admittedly ignorant ideas gave him enormous insight into their differences in personality. Even as a child Nikolai’s focus turned toward the future. He planned the arc of his life early on, which was partly why the interference in such plans was so devastating. Nox lived in the moment, a byproduct of a true Atharim surviving day to day. To him there was no future beyond the immediate needs, so why plan one? The rationalization tempered what normally would irritate him. Not everyone was like himself: strategic, insightful, planning and analytical. Case in point was Nox’s ability to adapt to the ever-changing dynamic of his life. He hinted at the ability in the story. A father’s disapproval, deaths of friends (and lovers?), a conflict of sexuality inside that churned silt best left undisturbed else it clouded his very existence. He was adrift now. It was painfully obvious.
“It’s alright, Nox. Don’t apologize. I don’t really adopt the notion of gods and men, but what is a god but a man who demands worship. I will not demand such a thing of you or anyone. I want the love and respect of my people because I’ve earned it. Surely you can respect that. If I wanted, I could fly into the USA and single-handedly conquer the capital, demolish the government, and build the pillars of my own. I don’t, however, because I know it’s a short-game. I only want to rule a people if they want me to.”
His laughter was enveloped by a soul unflinching of others’ dismissal. He was underestimated by all those who held power before him, and it was at their detriment. Nox was nervous, and he turned to sarcasm as a defense. It was fine, Nikolai accepted it. “If I were to summarize, it sounds like you want to help others because you yourself know what it is like to live alone, afraid, and helpless. Is that it?”
He touched his own sleeve as though their gaze might pierce the cloth. “I was Atharim myself – for a time. Like you, when I learned what I was, I was faced with the same choice as you.” His gaze leered into the distant past, the gun to his head, the burning pain cramping his arm, and the fear in his friend’s eyes. “I also chose as you did. I know my own heart as you know yours. I did not deserve death for being born as I was born; neither do you. But great power in the hands of evil men is a terrible thing. To such a danger must also rise great heroes. You can be one such man, Nox. Not for me, not for the Atharim, but for all those you want to protect. Is that what you want out of life? Maybe even lead others to help likewise?”
“It’s alright, Nox. Don’t apologize. I don’t really adopt the notion of gods and men, but what is a god but a man who demands worship. I will not demand such a thing of you or anyone. I want the love and respect of my people because I’ve earned it. Surely you can respect that. If I wanted, I could fly into the USA and single-handedly conquer the capital, demolish the government, and build the pillars of my own. I don’t, however, because I know it’s a short-game. I only want to rule a people if they want me to.”
His laughter was enveloped by a soul unflinching of others’ dismissal. He was underestimated by all those who held power before him, and it was at their detriment. Nox was nervous, and he turned to sarcasm as a defense. It was fine, Nikolai accepted it. “If I were to summarize, it sounds like you want to help others because you yourself know what it is like to live alone, afraid, and helpless. Is that it?”
He touched his own sleeve as though their gaze might pierce the cloth. “I was Atharim myself – for a time. Like you, when I learned what I was, I was faced with the same choice as you.” His gaze leered into the distant past, the gun to his head, the burning pain cramping his arm, and the fear in his friend’s eyes. “I also chose as you did. I know my own heart as you know yours. I did not deserve death for being born as I was born; neither do you. But great power in the hands of evil men is a terrible thing. To such a danger must also rise great heroes. You can be one such man, Nox. Not for me, not for the Atharim, but for all those you want to protect. Is that what you want out of life? Maybe even lead others to help likewise?”