06-18-2014, 10:23 AM
Connor's sleep was chaotic jumble of images and emotions. Everything that had happened over the last few days like vivid paintings, but melted and thrown together into a kaleidoscopic mixture. Did I do all right, bud? Did you see your dad? Ayden's foot brushing his leg. "If I've got a leak in me then I want to find out with the good stuff. Beer, whiskey, whatever."
Those little children. Standing so close to Ayden while getting the steaks. "Well, if he wants a different kind of cherry, I'll be right over here."
Kicking the man while seeing a red haze. "I want to be the person you could love."
Burn down his throat from a shot of rum. Ayden looking up at him with absolute utter openness in her eyes. The eyes of the man that was going to kill him. "I think that's a dude."
"I was hired to kill a man."
Hiding in the room. "Today, Ayden Hayes is real because of you."
The little girl on her knees. It all blended together, overlaid with the smells of colors and sounds of emotion. His stomach churned all night long, he woke repeatedly, sometimes with tears in his eyes.
When the light from the sun finally woke him, he was emotionally drained. He just lay there. Nothing made any sense. He was adrift. He shifted his leg and felt cold metal. Looked. The keys. He sat up and picked them up. A bundle of keys. Each one opening some stash of guns or whatever. He counted them. 15. 15 boxes or storages or whatever that Ayden- or Anne- he didn’t even know what to think of her as- 15 collections of weapons she had. How many people had she killed? Do you really want to know the answer to that? It was like asking how many men she had slept with. Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to. But in his mind, each key represented a….what had she called it? A ‘mark.’ Such a callous way to hide the fact that you were talking about killing someone for money. I killed someone. Yeah, but not for money. Still. He had taken a life. But it was hard to feel bad for that man’s family. If they knew the things he was doing….He wasn’t thinking straight.
Another memory, though, came to him. And despite himself, he felt so tender and appreciative for Ayden- she was Ayden to him. He’s lying on the bed, crying and missing his son so much. He feels the bed shift, feels her arms around him, the press of her against his back, her words in his ears. And then he is being held by her and crying into her bosom and she just holds him and comforts him, being here for him. The memory of it left him quiet. That was real. She is not a monster. She does feel. Maybe what she said was true. Maybe she really did want to end that life. He held the keys in his hands. She had given them to him as she confessed everything, the pain she was feeling evident. Part of him clung to that desperately. There was always hope. But…he wasn’t sure he could just go to her. Not now. Maybe not ever. He was too scared to risk his heart again.
But he would keep the keys. They would remind him. He wanted to believe in her. Maybe he already did. But he had to be sure. His heart had to. It was strange. The mind could know something, have evidence for it, believe it even. But the heart was not to be ordered around. It did what it did for its own reasons.
He felt terrible. If she really was telling the truth, then how would his not going to her make her feel? Wouldn’t she feel rejected? Or maybe even say “Fuck it. This isn’t worth the struggle” and go back to being a murderer. It tore at him. And yet….he couldn’t force himself.
I have to go, to get out of this apartment for a while. A run would do. Get his body moving, letting the animal machine take over, go on instinct and mechanics. Maybe he’d figure things out. He opened the night stand drawer and saw the box that had a few precious memories. One of Hayden’s baby teeth. A card from his mom. The note Ayden had left him. “I want to be with you too.”
He remembered how much it meant to him, to see that. And it was what she had said earlier. He paused for a moment, then put the keys in with them. He wasn’t sure if that was where they should go, but somehow it felt right.
He got dressed and walked out the door.
Edited by Connor Kent, Jun 18 2014, 04:27 PM.
Those little children. Standing so close to Ayden while getting the steaks. "Well, if he wants a different kind of cherry, I'll be right over here."
Kicking the man while seeing a red haze. "I want to be the person you could love."
Burn down his throat from a shot of rum. Ayden looking up at him with absolute utter openness in her eyes. The eyes of the man that was going to kill him. "I think that's a dude."
"I was hired to kill a man."
Hiding in the room. "Today, Ayden Hayes is real because of you."
The little girl on her knees. It all blended together, overlaid with the smells of colors and sounds of emotion. His stomach churned all night long, he woke repeatedly, sometimes with tears in his eyes.
When the light from the sun finally woke him, he was emotionally drained. He just lay there. Nothing made any sense. He was adrift. He shifted his leg and felt cold metal. Looked. The keys. He sat up and picked them up. A bundle of keys. Each one opening some stash of guns or whatever. He counted them. 15. 15 boxes or storages or whatever that Ayden- or Anne- he didn’t even know what to think of her as- 15 collections of weapons she had. How many people had she killed? Do you really want to know the answer to that? It was like asking how many men she had slept with. Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to. But in his mind, each key represented a….what had she called it? A ‘mark.’ Such a callous way to hide the fact that you were talking about killing someone for money. I killed someone. Yeah, but not for money. Still. He had taken a life. But it was hard to feel bad for that man’s family. If they knew the things he was doing….He wasn’t thinking straight.
Another memory, though, came to him. And despite himself, he felt so tender and appreciative for Ayden- she was Ayden to him. He’s lying on the bed, crying and missing his son so much. He feels the bed shift, feels her arms around him, the press of her against his back, her words in his ears. And then he is being held by her and crying into her bosom and she just holds him and comforts him, being here for him. The memory of it left him quiet. That was real. She is not a monster. She does feel. Maybe what she said was true. Maybe she really did want to end that life. He held the keys in his hands. She had given them to him as she confessed everything, the pain she was feeling evident. Part of him clung to that desperately. There was always hope. But…he wasn’t sure he could just go to her. Not now. Maybe not ever. He was too scared to risk his heart again.
But he would keep the keys. They would remind him. He wanted to believe in her. Maybe he already did. But he had to be sure. His heart had to. It was strange. The mind could know something, have evidence for it, believe it even. But the heart was not to be ordered around. It did what it did for its own reasons.
He felt terrible. If she really was telling the truth, then how would his not going to her make her feel? Wouldn’t she feel rejected? Or maybe even say “Fuck it. This isn’t worth the struggle” and go back to being a murderer. It tore at him. And yet….he couldn’t force himself.
I have to go, to get out of this apartment for a while. A run would do. Get his body moving, letting the animal machine take over, go on instinct and mechanics. Maybe he’d figure things out. He opened the night stand drawer and saw the box that had a few precious memories. One of Hayden’s baby teeth. A card from his mom. The note Ayden had left him. “I want to be with you too.”
He remembered how much it meant to him, to see that. And it was what she had said earlier. He paused for a moment, then put the keys in with them. He wasn’t sure if that was where they should go, but somehow it felt right.
He got dressed and walked out the door.
Edited by Connor Kent, Jun 18 2014, 04:27 PM.