11-04-2015, 10:50 AM
The cafe was not too small and there were only a few open tables. The hum of conversation filled the air, as did the aroma of coffee and pastries. That smell always reminded him of him mother and her family, the tiny cups of espresso and biscotti or something else on delicate ivory plates. He missed her. It wasn't like Hayden, of course. But still, she was his mother and had been his foundation.
But Ayden seemed to hit the nail on the head with the question. He'd known what was going on with Nox. He wasn't stupid. He knew he was trying to be fatherly to the kid, to be there for him and help him because he reminded him of Hayden.
How much of what I do is driven by guilt and memory? He knew what the answer was. But in this case, it was now putting someone he loved- the woman who was now his complete focus, in danger.
He let his coffee sit and cool off, the sides of the glass indicating that it was extremely hot. He didn't say anything in answer to Ayden for a moment. He felt that tearing again, like he was being forced to give something up. But this time, it wasn't as painful. Obviously. It wasn't like he really knew Nox. No, he was having to say good-bye to Hayden again. That he couldn't make things up to or be there for Hayden by latching onto or inserting himself into people's lives.
He had to learn to let go. Again. To focus on the people in his life. Finally, "It's hard, Ayden. I know I put you in danger. It was stupid. Selfish."
He looked out to one of the windows and saw a few people pass by. Then he looked back at her. "I am not the man I used to be. I am not wallowing in guilt or trying to kill myself. But this thing inside me, this need...I don't know how to let it go. Or if I should."
He breathed and took a sip and felt the searing heat warm his throat and chest. "But you are right. I can't do things like that anymore. I have a family now. I don't have the freedom to be reckless."
Strangely, at those words, he did feel sense of peace that seemed to ease his feeling. He wasn't the man he was- when he was a father; when he lost his son. But he still had work to do. He could still be the man he needed to be with this woman.
But Ayden seemed to hit the nail on the head with the question. He'd known what was going on with Nox. He wasn't stupid. He knew he was trying to be fatherly to the kid, to be there for him and help him because he reminded him of Hayden.
How much of what I do is driven by guilt and memory? He knew what the answer was. But in this case, it was now putting someone he loved- the woman who was now his complete focus, in danger.
He let his coffee sit and cool off, the sides of the glass indicating that it was extremely hot. He didn't say anything in answer to Ayden for a moment. He felt that tearing again, like he was being forced to give something up. But this time, it wasn't as painful. Obviously. It wasn't like he really knew Nox. No, he was having to say good-bye to Hayden again. That he couldn't make things up to or be there for Hayden by latching onto or inserting himself into people's lives.
He had to learn to let go. Again. To focus on the people in his life. Finally, "It's hard, Ayden. I know I put you in danger. It was stupid. Selfish."
He looked out to one of the windows and saw a few people pass by. Then he looked back at her. "I am not the man I used to be. I am not wallowing in guilt or trying to kill myself. But this thing inside me, this need...I don't know how to let it go. Or if I should."
He breathed and took a sip and felt the searing heat warm his throat and chest. "But you are right. I can't do things like that anymore. I have a family now. I don't have the freedom to be reckless."
Strangely, at those words, he did feel sense of peace that seemed to ease his feeling. He wasn't the man he was- when he was a father; when he lost his son. But he still had work to do. He could still be the man he needed to be with this woman.