02-05-2019, 08:06 PM
The tension between the two was growing thicker and thicker and Liv did not like the unease that was followed suit in her stomach. The woman. She hated that look. God, like her nightmare come to life, the promise of violence. The hole in her stomach was widening and she was breathing quickly but shallowly. She needed to get away, get out of here, before a panic attack took her.
Part of her felt sick with disappointment and shame. She had done so well. It had been so long. She thought this was done...
She rushed off, not caring at all that she was being unprofessional- and nearly ran into Jalisa.
"I have to go. Sorry." If the manager wanted to say anything, that was fine. She just couldn't be here.
Walk, Liv just walk Liv. Her eyes didn't really see anything. One step in front of the other, one at a time, deep breath in, hold for 3 seconds, exhale slowly. Little by little, the fear and panic gradually drained away.
But the emptiness wasn't empty. Sadness remained. Loneliness. Shame.
She realized why she hadn't been seeing clearly. Tears blurred everything. God, what a failure she was. She wiped her eyes on her sleeves and paused. In front of her stood a cathedral. She didn't know which one. She stared at the open doors for a while before finally walking in.
As if she were being swallowed up, she felt so tiny under the great arched vaulting ceilings, gorgeous gold leaf work, intricate statuary, and multicolored stained glass. Another time, long ago, she would have worshiped here as an artist.
She was here now, though, as a lost soul, coming before the Great Shepherd, kindly eyes and upraised hand looking down on her from on high. She kept her face to the ground, knelt and lit a candle. The flame flickered, the smell of incense soothing her. Her heart still fluttered, a bird on the ground, wing broken, chirping and flopping.
She opened her heart and emptied herself, tears dripping from her eyes. Through clenched eyelids only the vaguest of light penetrated. Failure. She was so weak.
In the distance she felt warmth. The Angel had come. But...Liv felt so unworthy. She couldn't bring herself to reach out. It called to her, her wings feathering her cheeks. But her fear had been nearly overwhelming. She didn't embrace the Angel.
And for a moment, she felt as if she had rejected God's kindness and love. But perhaps in answer, she saw herself. Just briefly. And she was smiling and happy, surrounded by Mother and Father. And there was someone next to her.
That had never happened to her before.
She opened her eyes, feeling the warmth drift away. And yet she was not empty.
Her knees were sore, her legs numb, when she finally rose. They shook. She shook, down to her core.
Stepping outside, she realized it was already mid afternoon. She was cold but did not feel like going back to the shop. Not now anyway. She wasn't far from home.
That night, in her bed, peace finally came to her and she could sleep. Mercifully no dreams or nightmares pursued her.
Part of her felt sick with disappointment and shame. She had done so well. It had been so long. She thought this was done...
She rushed off, not caring at all that she was being unprofessional- and nearly ran into Jalisa.
"I have to go. Sorry." If the manager wanted to say anything, that was fine. She just couldn't be here.
Walk, Liv just walk Liv. Her eyes didn't really see anything. One step in front of the other, one at a time, deep breath in, hold for 3 seconds, exhale slowly. Little by little, the fear and panic gradually drained away.
But the emptiness wasn't empty. Sadness remained. Loneliness. Shame.
She realized why she hadn't been seeing clearly. Tears blurred everything. God, what a failure she was. She wiped her eyes on her sleeves and paused. In front of her stood a cathedral. She didn't know which one. She stared at the open doors for a while before finally walking in.
As if she were being swallowed up, she felt so tiny under the great arched vaulting ceilings, gorgeous gold leaf work, intricate statuary, and multicolored stained glass. Another time, long ago, she would have worshiped here as an artist.
She was here now, though, as a lost soul, coming before the Great Shepherd, kindly eyes and upraised hand looking down on her from on high. She kept her face to the ground, knelt and lit a candle. The flame flickered, the smell of incense soothing her. Her heart still fluttered, a bird on the ground, wing broken, chirping and flopping.
She opened her heart and emptied herself, tears dripping from her eyes. Through clenched eyelids only the vaguest of light penetrated. Failure. She was so weak.
In the distance she felt warmth. The Angel had come. But...Liv felt so unworthy. She couldn't bring herself to reach out. It called to her, her wings feathering her cheeks. But her fear had been nearly overwhelming. She didn't embrace the Angel.
And for a moment, she felt as if she had rejected God's kindness and love. But perhaps in answer, she saw herself. Just briefly. And she was smiling and happy, surrounded by Mother and Father. And there was someone next to her.
That had never happened to her before.
She opened her eyes, feeling the warmth drift away. And yet she was not empty.
Her knees were sore, her legs numb, when she finally rose. They shook. She shook, down to her core.
Stepping outside, she realized it was already mid afternoon. She was cold but did not feel like going back to the shop. Not now anyway. She wasn't far from home.
That night, in her bed, peace finally came to her and she could sleep. Mercifully no dreams or nightmares pursued her.