Ten's eyes widened and time seemed to slow to a crawl. The small ember of hope that had begun smoldering grew, as if blown upon, and Jacinda felt roads of possibility open up in her heart. Careful, she told herself. She knew she was pushing, perhaps too hard. That Tenzin seemed frozen in contemplation gave her pause. It hurt, the warring evident on the woman's face.
And yet open and vulnerable, she felt...free. Ten caught her hand tenderly and Jacinda stiffened, waiting. And for a moment, she saw it, saw the desire, the willingness, hidden in those black depths and her heart thundered in her chest. That moment seemed to draw out, anticipating when their lips finally touched.
But whatever it was that raged inside Tenzin, settled into panic. Fear.
Jacinda leaned back, heart going numb, as Tenzin rose quickly in one smooth motion, an animal cornered, seeking a place of safety. Jacinda was oblivious as the woman disappeared, swallowed up in some sort of bubble of nothingness. She wanted to feel angry. She wanted to rage. She wanted to cry. She wanted to run away. She wanted to feel....something.
But she felt nothing. She wasn't angry at Tenzin. She didn't feel like yelling. She didn't feel like crying. She didn't want to move.
She felt nothingness to her core. Her scalped pricked as if her skin tightened around her, sealing her off from the world.
Too much had changed so quickly. The foundation of her world had crumbled around her in such a short period of time. She was floundering, drowning, seeking for anything to anchor her.
Tenzin's placid stoic nature, her calm quiet strength, had drawn her.
But no, it wasn't just that. Her rare smiles. Her jokes. Her deep well of compassion. Those were things to love in another human being. Was why she loved her, she realized.
Jacinda looked at the charm, tooth ivory colored, held it. Given freely.
Maybe she had misconstrued things. Maybe in her desperation, she had seen what wasn't there. Even now, she wondered, if she saw what she wanted to see. That look in her eyes before she fled, the anticipation of a kiss.
She had driven her only friend away. She would be back, Jacinda was sure. Tenzin wasn't flighty like she was. Tempermental.
But the leaving hurt. And Jacinda made a decision. She wouldn't bring this up again. Ever. Never. Having her sister mattered more. She was as alone as it was possible to be in this universe. Tenzin was the only one who cared. She couldn't lose that.
Not even if it killed her. Not even if seeing Tenzin's fearless protection of the weak filled her with pride. Not even when those single sharpwhitted comments made her laugh and want to hug her. Not even when they sat at the table and Tenzin favored her with one of those rare toothy smiles, eyes dancing with earthy life that made her want to pull her to her and kiss her within an inch of her life.
Not even when every single moment with her would be the purest agony.
It would be worth it, she told herself.
Tears streamed down her cheeks, she realized, as the future appeared before her, laid out and set in stone, choking her so she could not utter a sound, could barely even breathe, even. And she found she could stand, though not steadily. Through the blur she felt her way to her room, shut the door, and lay on her bed, wracking sobs that tore from her chest, wordless in its keening, jaws aching from teeth gnashing, weeping quietly into the night.
Suddenly, she wished she didn't feel anything.
The house was quite and pillow cold and wet when she finally fell asleep.
And yet open and vulnerable, she felt...free. Ten caught her hand tenderly and Jacinda stiffened, waiting. And for a moment, she saw it, saw the desire, the willingness, hidden in those black depths and her heart thundered in her chest. That moment seemed to draw out, anticipating when their lips finally touched.
But whatever it was that raged inside Tenzin, settled into panic. Fear.
Jacinda leaned back, heart going numb, as Tenzin rose quickly in one smooth motion, an animal cornered, seeking a place of safety. Jacinda was oblivious as the woman disappeared, swallowed up in some sort of bubble of nothingness. She wanted to feel angry. She wanted to rage. She wanted to cry. She wanted to run away. She wanted to feel....something.
But she felt nothing. She wasn't angry at Tenzin. She didn't feel like yelling. She didn't feel like crying. She didn't want to move.
She felt nothingness to her core. Her scalped pricked as if her skin tightened around her, sealing her off from the world.
Too much had changed so quickly. The foundation of her world had crumbled around her in such a short period of time. She was floundering, drowning, seeking for anything to anchor her.
Tenzin's placid stoic nature, her calm quiet strength, had drawn her.
But no, it wasn't just that. Her rare smiles. Her jokes. Her deep well of compassion. Those were things to love in another human being. Was why she loved her, she realized.
Jacinda looked at the charm, tooth ivory colored, held it. Given freely.
Maybe she had misconstrued things. Maybe in her desperation, she had seen what wasn't there. Even now, she wondered, if she saw what she wanted to see. That look in her eyes before she fled, the anticipation of a kiss.
She had driven her only friend away. She would be back, Jacinda was sure. Tenzin wasn't flighty like she was. Tempermental.
But the leaving hurt. And Jacinda made a decision. She wouldn't bring this up again. Ever. Never. Having her sister mattered more. She was as alone as it was possible to be in this universe. Tenzin was the only one who cared. She couldn't lose that.
Not even if it killed her. Not even if seeing Tenzin's fearless protection of the weak filled her with pride. Not even when those single sharpwhitted comments made her laugh and want to hug her. Not even when they sat at the table and Tenzin favored her with one of those rare toothy smiles, eyes dancing with earthy life that made her want to pull her to her and kiss her within an inch of her life.
Not even when every single moment with her would be the purest agony.
It would be worth it, she told herself.
Tears streamed down her cheeks, she realized, as the future appeared before her, laid out and set in stone, choking her so she could not utter a sound, could barely even breathe, even. And she found she could stand, though not steadily. Through the blur she felt her way to her room, shut the door, and lay on her bed, wracking sobs that tore from her chest, wordless in its keening, jaws aching from teeth gnashing, weeping quietly into the night.
Suddenly, she wished she didn't feel anything.
The house was quite and pillow cold and wet when she finally fell asleep.