What Comes Before

[Nox]

It's hard to forget what she said, especially when he believed it. But Nox told himself this was different than when he was with Elyse. Nox understood so much more about himself since then -- since he first met Jay. "Jay is just a friend, but he's so much more than that." Nox said answering the question bluntly and with a shy smile.

He put his hand on Raffe's knee and leanend back dragging his hand higher up his tigh but only because he couldn't reach the knee anymore from the position in the chair. It was a comfort. "Jay is the reason my girlfriend at the time left me. He's the reason I'm okay with who I am now, with the memories that rushed into my head after too many drinks."

Nox leaned his head back and stared up at the ceiling of the back rooms. Noticing the beams and the lights and the cobwebs, thinking someone should dust a little better. "I met Jay at a Methos concert. The memories sitting in the seats with Sage and Cruz started coming back then. Memories of things I had repressed long before the plane crash took the rest from me. I had flashes of a guy at a concert. Of memories and feelings that I hadn't remembered since that night. I won't bore you with the details of my father's abuse at that time, but it was enough to convince me I was straight and that I did not like men, or boys at the time." Nox chuckled to himself.

"As with all my fucking adventures in this city, a monster was there. Several actually if you want to include the Atharim who killed two kids who could do what we do. But in the darkness, it decided to take advantage of the girl it had found to prey on. Jay was sitting next to me. Sage had purloined a few tickets for the Legionnaires as well and Jay was the only one to take up the offer. But he saw my readiness for a fight, and when I went to take out the monster he helped. We almost got caught by the police, we saved the girl, we killed the monster and I invited him home. It was a celebratory drink. Memories and drinks didn't go well. And I slept with him while my girlfriend was asleep upstairs in the room we shared at Dorian's."

"We haven't seen each other since that night. But it was enough to create a sort of friendship based on understanding the type of person we are." Nox sat forward. "Jay is a soldier, a good man, but he doesn't always do things the way he's supposed to. We bonded over the commonality of our lives but yet so drastically different. Other than Aria, he's the first real connection to the person I want to be. But he's not the one. He's got nothing on you. Nothing on the way I feel about you. Never in my life have I wanted to protect someone so much, but not from the evils from the world but from the evils I bring with me." Nox's words tumbled out and tears slide down his cheek though he didn't want them to. "I'm terrified of what that means. I'm being torn apart inside by so many different forces that it's hard to know which way to go. Jay is my friend. I like him. You are my, for lack of a better word, everything. And I know it sounds cheesy and that it's way too soon. Family was all I had. And now it's gone. I'm latching on to what I can to get some semblance of my life back. And I'm sorry if that's too much for you."

Nox growled and sat forward pressing his elbows into his thighs and pushing his hand into his eyes. "And then there's that fucking darkness inside. I don't know which way it'll turn me. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm starving, or ready to fuck anything that moves. The horde has only two modes -- feed or procreate. Which isn't a problem if I'm with you." Nox grinned at Raffe, looking at him from under the fallen hair and his eyes. "But with Jay... that's going to hurt you. I want to say I have control. That I'm trust worthy. I really don't want to be the guy I was before with you. But I'm afraid of what I might do."

Nox sighed. "I know I ramble when I'm anxious." Nox smiles softly, an echo of prior conversations.