What Not to Do (Kallisti)

[Nox]

[[ ooc: Trigger Warning -- suicide ideation is below do not read if it is a triggering topic!!! ]]

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Nox smelled and heard Oriena approach before her body was near, before her arm snaked around him.  Her chin on his shoulder made him smile. It was endearing, though he knew she was a spider spinning her thread.  Nox chuckled at her words. "You really want to make everything hard tonight don't you?" There was no denying that he'd been holding back the horde.  He missed Raffe and needed him in so many ways he was only now starting to fathom. He was the light in all his darkness. He was the reason he got up in the morning and Nox knew that was not an easy burden for anyone to bear.

Mae chortled at his words.  She looked at Nox and the leaned around to speak to her boss. "He loves Raffe don't make him hate himself more."  She left Nox and Oriena with a sigh.

"She's wrong about that.  There is nothing more you can do to make me hate myself more."  Though he wouldn't have ever said that to someone who cared.  They'd probably throw him in a psych ward and lock the door once he was there. 

She was so close.  Smelled so much like home.  With the power wrapping him up he was so close to the emptiness but he stayed outside felt every ache and pain, ever last bit of agony his thoughts caused him.  He'd do anything to avoid blood shed tonight.  He'd brought the Atharim to his home, and now it lay under siege and no one even knew the price he'd pay to keep everyone there safe.  "I'll be the fly to your spider, Oriena.  How shall I entertain you?"

Nox watched the girls skit go from begging to anger and the sexual undertones grew with each wild thrust from Zeus.  And Demeter's pleas became more exaggerated.  The mockery continued and Nox spun the tale with the patterns he and Juls were supposed to handle together, but he did it all.  He felt the weight of the power stretching him thin.  But he'd play Ori's little game.  "Maybe you'd like to make me break my promise to Raffe for the second time?"  A dark smile drew his lips apart.  "Or maybe you'd like to watch me burn up in the draw of too much power.  Become a husk of what I once was.  Broken and yearning for the light I can never touch again."

He drew upon the power just a little more, just enough to feel the strain in every muscle as he carried three flows around the stage. He tied one of the lights off and drew a thin weave of razor sharp air across his wrists, barely deep enough to draw blood. "Watch me bleed out on your expensive floors?  Or suck the barrel of a gun waiting to see if I'll ever pull the trigger?" He'd thought about it, but it had been a while.  But that thought was also why Damnation was locked away in a storage locker to far to use -- out of sight, out of mind. 

Nox knew rock bottom when he hit it.  He had to talk to Raffe.  One way or the other he had to talk to him. He had to know what way to go, where he fixed the problem.  Because it was a problem and there was no one here to pull him out.

Through all the words tears fell down his cheeks.  His voice never cracked, no show of emotion other than the tears as he concentrated on the work at hand.  But he had one last suggestion to offer. "There is always calling your Ijiraq friends to come suck the life from me.  That would be a fitting end -- feeding a fucking monster."

He glanced over at Ori perched on his shoulder. "What does the spider do when the fly caught in her web wants to die?" But that was a lie -- he didn't want to die.  He was fucking afraid of it. But he was more afraid of being alone in his darkness. "Tell me, Ori, what game you'd like to play."