01-11-2025, 04:00 PM
((Oo: trigger warning: there is a brief mention of self-harm in this post))
Elyse was aware that Sierra there. It had seemed like years since she had seen the other woman. Elyse hasn’t wanted their reunion to be like this. She hadn’t wanted Sierra to see her broken like this. She’d wanted no one to see this - that’s why she had come to the dream.
She felt the guilt build. It was the guilt that became strongest within her, and it was a monster that wanted to feed. It took and twisted everything to fill its unquenchable appetite. Mom was dead because Elyse had confided in her. Dad was trying to kill her too. Nox had to kill again because she messed up. She was struggling with Mae because she had allowed herself to fall in love. Nox had left her because she hadn’t listened to his warnings. And now Sierra was here, and guilt took that too. Sierra had left because Elyse had kissed her. It was bullshit, and deep down, Elyse knew that, but guilt had found another food source, and it intended to take it.
Elyse had been thinking, and her thoughts had been unpleasant. She wanted to numb the pain. Just not feel it anymore. She lived in the red light district. It was easy to find someone to throw her a bine or some
drugs to take it all away. And it would be so easy to make her pain physical - no not that. Elyse wouldn’t do that. But the thought appeared, and that scared her. She didn’t like these thoughts. She didn’t want to do any of them. And guilt took hold of that too - calling her weak.
Her breath began to quicken and her heart began to beat faster. She had seen Marta’s own panic attacks enough to know that this was happening to her. She was panicking, scared to do nothing, but even more scared she would do something. She tried Marta’s method and focused on her breath, calming herself to a more manageable level. The panic receded, but the guilt and pain remained.
Elyse looked up at her friend, unaware of how long had passed since she had arrived. Her breath, more controlled than it had been during her brief state of panic, was still quick and shallow, heaving with the sobs. Elyse willed herself to calm enough to speak. ”My dad…killed my mom. He’s coming for me now. It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have told her what I was. And I ruined the best thing that happened to me because I’m a fucking idiot.” Elyse looked down, staring at the floor. It wasn’t these things that had cause this. It was more than that. Her voice began to get louder. ”Everytime I find peace, something comes and takes it away from me. It’s all crumbling around me. And it’s all my fault. Everything. It won’t stop. It wants more. It keeps eating at me twisting and taking more and more. What did I do to deserve this? Why do I fucking care so much? What’s the point when none of it matters? Why is it that for once things can’t just go the way I want them to!”
The last question was yelled and guilt stepped in again, making her feel bad that she had yelled at her friend. Sierra hadn’t deserved that. Elyse found herself wanting to throw something, and she felt a weight in her hand. A coffee mug sat in her hand. She had asked and the dream had provided, but now that it was there, the desire was gone. She let the mug drop from her fingers, unaware if it crashed to the floor or not as she buried her face in her knees and sobbed.
Elyse was aware that Sierra there. It had seemed like years since she had seen the other woman. Elyse hasn’t wanted their reunion to be like this. She hadn’t wanted Sierra to see her broken like this. She’d wanted no one to see this - that’s why she had come to the dream.
She felt the guilt build. It was the guilt that became strongest within her, and it was a monster that wanted to feed. It took and twisted everything to fill its unquenchable appetite. Mom was dead because Elyse had confided in her. Dad was trying to kill her too. Nox had to kill again because she messed up. She was struggling with Mae because she had allowed herself to fall in love. Nox had left her because she hadn’t listened to his warnings. And now Sierra was here, and guilt took that too. Sierra had left because Elyse had kissed her. It was bullshit, and deep down, Elyse knew that, but guilt had found another food source, and it intended to take it.
Elyse had been thinking, and her thoughts had been unpleasant. She wanted to numb the pain. Just not feel it anymore. She lived in the red light district. It was easy to find someone to throw her a bine or some
drugs to take it all away. And it would be so easy to make her pain physical - no not that. Elyse wouldn’t do that. But the thought appeared, and that scared her. She didn’t like these thoughts. She didn’t want to do any of them. And guilt took hold of that too - calling her weak.
Her breath began to quicken and her heart began to beat faster. She had seen Marta’s own panic attacks enough to know that this was happening to her. She was panicking, scared to do nothing, but even more scared she would do something. She tried Marta’s method and focused on her breath, calming herself to a more manageable level. The panic receded, but the guilt and pain remained.
Elyse looked up at her friend, unaware of how long had passed since she had arrived. Her breath, more controlled than it had been during her brief state of panic, was still quick and shallow, heaving with the sobs. Elyse willed herself to calm enough to speak. ”My dad…killed my mom. He’s coming for me now. It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have told her what I was. And I ruined the best thing that happened to me because I’m a fucking idiot.” Elyse looked down, staring at the floor. It wasn’t these things that had cause this. It was more than that. Her voice began to get louder. ”Everytime I find peace, something comes and takes it away from me. It’s all crumbling around me. And it’s all my fault. Everything. It won’t stop. It wants more. It keeps eating at me twisting and taking more and more. What did I do to deserve this? Why do I fucking care so much? What’s the point when none of it matters? Why is it that for once things can’t just go the way I want them to!”
The last question was yelled and guilt stepped in again, making her feel bad that she had yelled at her friend. Sierra hadn’t deserved that. Elyse found herself wanting to throw something, and she felt a weight in her hand. A coffee mug sat in her hand. She had asked and the dream had provided, but now that it was there, the desire was gone. She let the mug drop from her fingers, unaware if it crashed to the floor or not as she buried her face in her knees and sobbed.