Elyse’s facial expression didn’t change. Hayden’s answer wasn’t expected, but it wasn’t exactly a surprise either. She spoke to him, keeping her voice even. "I know I can’t change the outcome. She’s dead and there is nothing I can do about it. It doesn’t help with the guilt knowing that.”
"Why do you feel guilty? Are you going to feel guilty when your father is dead? The very same action fated his destiny. Sage didn't have to tell you any of it. He'd have reported it to Nox, Nox would have handled and maybe one day you'd find out they were dead. These are all choices that someone made AFTER you made your choice to tell your mother. How many other people's choices do you take away by calling it your fault. Your mother choose to keep it a secret and defy the laws of the Atharim. Your mother chose to betray you when confronted with her husband. To save her life? Maybe but little good that did her. Your father choose to kill her. He chose to hunt you. Just as Nox chooses to kill him. None of those are your responsibility. Are you going to take responsibility for your father's death? Or just your mothers? How many people's choices need to lie between you and the deed for you to claim it as your fault? Look I'm not trying to be mean, I'm not trying to make you cry. Yes. Your mother is dead because she had information that you gave her. But she choose to betray your trust. Not saying it's tit for tat here. But she made a choice, just as you did. Elyse, I'm not a therapist. I get information out of people one way or another. I know people. I listen well. I see things other people don't see. I see you are a strong person. You cared for your family. You blame yourself. How far does that blame go? You want me to call the police, so you can confess to the murder of your mother, since it's all your fault. Your father was just the weapon that killed her? You gave him the information he needed to end her life. He had no say in the matter. It was all you."
Elyse felt frustration build up at his words. He didn't get it, like nobody else got it. "I don't think you're trying to be mean or make me cry. You're trying to help," She looked up at him, the frustration flashing in her eyes. "I don't know why. All I know is that it's there. You say I'm strong, but I feel incredibly weak next to the guilt. It's tearing inside and everything I do it finds a way to make it my fault. Even stupid little shit. And now it whispers to me - that if I start cutting, all this pain inside will go away. That scares me - terrifies me," she stood up, her voice getting louder as she did. "It's bullshit. I know that, but I don't know how to stop it. What do I do? Drown it in a bottle? Find some pill to numb the pain? Find someone to fuck me until I can't walk straight?" Elyse began to pace and her volume rose, but she began to realize she wasn't yelling at Hayden and her frustration wasn't directed that way either. It was directed inward. "I'm frustrated, angry, sad, guilty. All of it's there and nothing has stopped it. Friends try to help. All I want is for the pain to go away." Every sentence caused her voice to raise volume. "She's dead. I called her because I wanted her to love me anyways. It failed. I'm not responsible for what she did. Dad killed her for it. I'm not responsible for that. Now Nox has to fix it, and he'll probably feel guilty for that. All of it! I didn't do any of it! Her breathing quickened as she moved once more to the counter, slamming her fists on to it she yelled. "SO WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY WHEN I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!"
Silence reigned at her words. She checked inwards. The guilt was still there, but it was different. It wasn't fighting her. For the first time in the past couple of days, she wasn't afraid of it. It was afraid of her.
"Holy fuck," she said, her voice quiet. "Don't know if you were purposely pushing my buttons, or if that was just a fortunate accident. I wasn't yelling at you."[/color]
((With Hayden))
"Why do you feel guilty? Are you going to feel guilty when your father is dead? The very same action fated his destiny. Sage didn't have to tell you any of it. He'd have reported it to Nox, Nox would have handled and maybe one day you'd find out they were dead. These are all choices that someone made AFTER you made your choice to tell your mother. How many other people's choices do you take away by calling it your fault. Your mother choose to keep it a secret and defy the laws of the Atharim. Your mother chose to betray you when confronted with her husband. To save her life? Maybe but little good that did her. Your father choose to kill her. He chose to hunt you. Just as Nox chooses to kill him. None of those are your responsibility. Are you going to take responsibility for your father's death? Or just your mothers? How many people's choices need to lie between you and the deed for you to claim it as your fault? Look I'm not trying to be mean, I'm not trying to make you cry. Yes. Your mother is dead because she had information that you gave her. But she choose to betray your trust. Not saying it's tit for tat here. But she made a choice, just as you did. Elyse, I'm not a therapist. I get information out of people one way or another. I know people. I listen well. I see things other people don't see. I see you are a strong person. You cared for your family. You blame yourself. How far does that blame go? You want me to call the police, so you can confess to the murder of your mother, since it's all your fault. Your father was just the weapon that killed her? You gave him the information he needed to end her life. He had no say in the matter. It was all you."
Elyse felt frustration build up at his words. He didn't get it, like nobody else got it. "I don't think you're trying to be mean or make me cry. You're trying to help," She looked up at him, the frustration flashing in her eyes. "I don't know why. All I know is that it's there. You say I'm strong, but I feel incredibly weak next to the guilt. It's tearing inside and everything I do it finds a way to make it my fault. Even stupid little shit. And now it whispers to me - that if I start cutting, all this pain inside will go away. That scares me - terrifies me," she stood up, her voice getting louder as she did. "It's bullshit. I know that, but I don't know how to stop it. What do I do? Drown it in a bottle? Find some pill to numb the pain? Find someone to fuck me until I can't walk straight?" Elyse began to pace and her volume rose, but she began to realize she wasn't yelling at Hayden and her frustration wasn't directed that way either. It was directed inward. "I'm frustrated, angry, sad, guilty. All of it's there and nothing has stopped it. Friends try to help. All I want is for the pain to go away." Every sentence caused her voice to raise volume. "She's dead. I called her because I wanted her to love me anyways. It failed. I'm not responsible for what she did. Dad killed her for it. I'm not responsible for that. Now Nox has to fix it, and he'll probably feel guilty for that. All of it! I didn't do any of it! Her breathing quickened as she moved once more to the counter, slamming her fists on to it she yelled. "SO WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY WHEN I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!"
Silence reigned at her words. She checked inwards. The guilt was still there, but it was different. It wasn't fighting her. For the first time in the past couple of days, she wasn't afraid of it. It was afraid of her.
"Holy fuck," she said, her voice quiet. "Don't know if you were purposely pushing my buttons, or if that was just a fortunate accident. I wasn't yelling at you."[/color]
((With Hayden))