The Long Way Home

[Nox]

Surprise was an interesting feeling in the numbness of his new life. It hit sharp and vivid until it too flit through the emptiness of life. The feeling gone just as it had come quickly and with no remorse.

They stood there staring at the river like it held secrets. And the silence wasn't awkward at least not for Nox, but it was silence that he should fill with an apology at the very least. "I'm sorry for the way things went down." There was no sorrow in his voice, but there was empathy in it. The song in his ear helped ease the transition. He wanted to be real for Jay, but his reality was uncaring and numb and this wasn't quite the time to let the truth of his reality sit between them.

His old self would talk and talk and talk. He didn't like the silence, he felt it in his heart, but right then he didn't feel much. The song he flicked off with a flick of his eye, Nox let the soft cadence of the numbness take his voice. It was his new normal. His new life. Though he didn't expect anyone from the old one to be here with him in it.


"I should have been straight and honest before we even left on that trip into the bowels of the earth. I knew we'd connect on that level. Maybe I was blowing up my life on purpose. Afraid of what I wanted and sabotaging everything. I should have told you I was in trying to be faithful and monogamous before it happened. And I shouldn't have cut you out like that. I was trying to fix my fuck up by removing temptation. I was an asshole. And I know I don't deserve any second chances. But I want you to know I'm sorry. And you'll always be like a brother." He didn't mean like a sibling, Jay was never that kind of loved one. A brother in arms, a friend to the end. Whatever it was.

Nox let the chill of the wind bite his skin. It was the only feeling he felt. The songs silence biting back. Too long and the family might worry. He might have to send them a text to keep them at bay. He wondered what Hayden would say about the encounter. About the timing. It felt something, though Nox didn't know how to define it. Didn't know how to wrap his mind around the thoughts that skirted his mind. He didn't want to poke at things. He wanted to right what he'd wronged even if it meant never seeing Jay again. He wanted to do it right this time. But there was no right or wrong. Jay was his friend. And Raffe was no longer in his life. It had been over three months since they'd seen each other, and even longer since Nox had walked out of Raffe's room. There might be nothing to salvage there. He wasn't sure there was anything here. Jay had wanted to kill him before. Had come close to it. At least now he claimed he hurt his hand. There was no fight, but it might still not end in away that left their friendship intact.

Too many painful thoughts and Nox pushed them into the emptiness, the place wehre the power should flicker, but didn't. It was easy to come into this place now, it was like second nature, but it was emptier than the world. It echoed with loss and pain and Nox clung to it.