Jacinda Cross

[Jacinda]

2021

It was harder than she'd expected. Far harder. Packing for trips was easy. You just had to figure out how many days the hunt might take and double everything. You never knew. When you were out there camping in your tent and realized you only had enough bars and jerky and water- and more importantly bullets or, Regan's favorite, arrows, for maybe one day more....well, that wolfkin was likely gonna get away. The pack would run interference for it and that took time to whittle down.

But now...damn it! She felt this tearing in her heart she hadn't felt since....well since her father and her mother were killed. That image was burned into her brain. Regan had been honest with her. He didn't shield her from the sight, but treated her as an adult. Her momma ravaged and bitten and carved into, butchered.

She remembered the rage. It had always been there.
Too much of it, Pa used to say. "Quick kills. Whether a danger or for food, always make quick kills." But she had been fascinated by how things died. It mesmerized her. She was just trying to understand the difference, how it could be alive one moment, dead the next. They just never got that.

Like what pain was. It was just a sensation right? You felt pressure with the point of a knife on your arm. Just a little and it was just a signal, just a wire or whatever going to your brain. The feel of the metal on skin. Information. But push a little more and the sensation changed. THAT was what fascinated her. The nerve was sending information....but it was the brain that got all panicky and freaked out and acted. But if it was just information or signal or whatever, couldn't you separate it from the need to react? The sensation from the panicky need to act?

She didn't know. And it was only recently that she could finally put it into words. But that was all it was. That was what interested her. It wasn't rage. It wasn't the suffering that she wanted Pa had been wrong. Regan understood though. And he let her experiment, showed her how.

Well, especially on that roug pretending to be an old man. Because the rage DID come on her then, remembering her momma's mutilated and raped body. She'd felt red come over her eyes and she just hungered to inflict as much pain as possible. Maybe she could transfer it, the screams be hers, transferred from her to it.

And Regan had helped her. Stalk and stake out the old disgisting roug. He made sure the man was helpless and then let her go. She couldn't remember the specifics, except that he watched over her. She could feel him behind her.

And then later that night, he took her. His wife. His girl. This was where Jacinda Nolan died. Where Jacinda Cross was born. Her momma was buried next to her pa.

And this was her place. Where she had been born and had died and been reborn.

And now, she wasn't figuring up how many days supplies they'd need. Regan had gotten a big trailer and they were packing everything. And each box and bag and pack that went in felt like a part of herself being uprooted.

But she'd look at Regan and remember. His girl. I'm his girl. That was her anchor. Home was with him. Home was him. And that would be enough.

Everything packed up, she got into the passenger seat and he started driving down the mountain. The weight of the trailer made the vehicle move more slowly and the engine revved a bit more. Almost, she hoped something would blow and they'd have to stay.

No luck though. Made it down to 160 and continued east. The land flattened out and she thought it ugly. Too open. The mountains didn't surround her comfortingly. The air lost the smells of home. They kept going until they hit Walsenberg and then headed north on 5. Pueblo and then Colorado Springs. It had been the furthest east they'd ever gone. Far too big and sprawling even with Cheyenne Mountain and Pikes Peak and the Rockies looming over them.

Instead they turned and started east. Nebraska. Kansas. God it was so fucking flat and boring. Her eyes stung and then there were tears that she tried to hide from Regan. She was dying.

She felt adrift at sea...not that she'd ever seen anything bigger than a big lake safely bounded by mountains. She dashed the tears away and tried to push away the feel that she was lost. She chattered at Regan, trying to keep the conversation going, anything to stop her from shaking, the butterflies in her stomach just bounding about she thought she might be sick.

And then, wouldnt you know it, Regan had to pull over because she was sick and had to throw up. He was all concerned and stuff, but there was a tightness to his eyes as if he were afraid of something. Or maybe irritated.

Later, at one of the motels, the nausea remained and she'd gotten sick at breakfast. Just the smell alone of the bacon and eggs had set her off. They didn't leave that day. She stayed holed up in her room, cold and shiverring. Alternating between curling up on the bed and running for the bathroom.

Regan brought her some pepto and ginger ale and some saltines and she was able to keep something down. Some soup. It must have been the stomach flu or something. Or maybe she had a heavy flow that month. It had been late. She wasn't much of a calendar person and it had been about a week or two before she even noticed. The move had occupied all her thoughts. Anyway, finally it came in the hotel room and was very bad.

And for some reason she felt as if she had lost something. She cried and cried, She tried to hide it from Regan. She didn't want him to know how much moving away from home was tearing her up. She just wanted to die.

They ended up staying there for about a week. Regan spent most nights at the bar down below. Brought her soups and hung out during the day..mostly. He also went for walks. TV got boring and her tablet didn't do much for her. He didn't touch her either. Not that she wanted sex. She just wanted human contact, now more than ever. She wanted to be held. But it was only when she awoke did she feel him next to her, smell of whisky still on his breath.

By weeks end she was ready to go. Cabin fever and all that. This place just made her sick to stay here anymore. Something had broken, a log jam anyway. Just get outta here.

So finally back on the road and for a wonder it felt nice and warm. They drove for a few hours when they saw a jeep on the side of the road, hood up. A man flagged them down. Regan grumbled, but Jacinda pushed. She could use some one to talk to since he wasn't talking.

He pulled off on the large emergency shoulder and they got out and walked back toward the jeep. The man looked relieved. "Thanks for stopping. Haven't seen a patrol come by and no one else would stop."
He stuck out a hand. "Name's Adam. My jeep is overheated. Radiator is bone dry. You wouldn't happen to have any water or fluid you could spare?"


Jacinda was about to speak when Regan spoke. "Think so Adam. I'm Regan. And this is my.....wife Jacinda."
God how her heart soared at his words. Wife. Finally. He could admit it. After everything this past week, it was like seeing the sun for the first time. The man didn't bat an eyelash, but Jacinda coulda hugged him right then and there. Kissed him too.

On cloud nine, she just kinda let the air wash over her. There was a lot of humidity and it was warm, but the smell of the fields and the asphalt mixed together were pungent. Forever after that, whenever that particular mixture hit her nose, she was always transported to this place, to her moment of perfect happiness.

Regan and the man talked and she just walked around. He'd call her if he needed her. Closer to the jeep, she could see beyond the hood. A young girl sat in the passenger seat. Maybe eleven or twelve. She was messing around with a tablet and drinking a soda. She had long dark hair tied back in a pony tail and a t shirt and jeans. Her bare feet were up on the dash and she seemed startled when she saw Jacinda.

Jacinda smiled at her. "Didn't mean to scare you. My....husband"
- she tried to stifle the smile that came to her lips with that word-" and I saw you guys and just wanted to help."


The girl studied her. She had brown eyes and light freckles dotted her nose and under her eyes. Her front two teeth peeked out. Kinda skinny and still more a kid's face. Jacinda smiled kindly. Just a girl and her dad, traveling. It made her happy to see. Well, she was already happy. This was just nice to see.

"I'm Julie."
she said reaching out her hand.

She took it. "Nice to meet you Julie. I'm Jacinda."


Edited by Jacinda, Jul 2 2018, 12:35 PM.