10-24-2014, 10:41 PM
Calvin remained seated for a moment before following Jensen. Without hesitation, Jensen had opened his home to Calvin. It reminded him of home. The people in his community looked out for one another. It was sort of an unwritten rule.
Jensen sprawled out on one of the couches and Calvin took a different one. He sat on the side closer to Jensen, kicked off his shoes and pulled his knees up to his chest. In one hand he held the lemonade and sipped at it a bit at a time.
Jensen turned the TV on. Some show was on that he didn't recognize, but Calvin really wasn't paying attention to the TV. His thoughts were everywhere and so were his emotions. It was difficult to focus and Calvin didn't know what emotions he was feeling - it felt like so many at one time.
It was a commercial that brought Calvin out of his thoughts - a liquor commercial. Calvin saw it and the internal struggle came back to the surface. Calvin took a long drink from his lemonade and turned to face the window. He kept his eyes on the stars, tuning out the TV.
Calvin wasn't sure how long he stared at the stars and thought, but when the wolf howl in the distance broke through, he realized he had finished the lemonade and set it on the floor. Calvin shifted slightly at the sound, moving so his body as well as his head faced the window and he spoke.
"The wolves call me Star Gazer...you probably think I'm crazy...a guy that thinks he can talk to wolves."
Calvin didn't face Jensen, but the words were directed towards him. "The name isn't a literal meaning, although I do enjoy star gazing. It's more about the fact that I like to think things through before acting - not something I've been really good at lately."
Calvin sighed. "It has sort of a Native American ring to it - reminds me of my mother. After she died, and then my father - I found peace in the things she taught me about her heritage. And again after Mary and Benji died. But I can't find that peace anymore. It's like my mind isn't able to get quiet. There's so much going on that I can't focus."
All the emotions were overwhelming and Calvin wiped his eyes again. "Have you ever felt like such a failure because everyone around always was getting hurt and then you were afraid to get close to someone because they would get hurt too? Have you ever felt so out of control and the only thing you want is to be in control - like there is an internal conflict inside of you and you're not sure how to make it end without losing your sanity."
Calvin faced Jensen. "Then you find something - something that gives you the feeling of control. It doesn't matter that you aren't - it just matters that you feel that way. Several days ago, I woke up in a jail cell with no recollection of the crime I committed. It doesn't matter though because I had felt in control. It doesn't matter that I've woken up next to women I don't remember meeting, because I felt like I was in control. It's the times in between, when I'm sober and know how wrong it is that makes it hard - that draws me back. Because I realize I'm not in control during those time. Then the shame and guilt come - drawing me back. I want that peace I felt again, but can't find it. Why can't I find it?"
Jensen sprawled out on one of the couches and Calvin took a different one. He sat on the side closer to Jensen, kicked off his shoes and pulled his knees up to his chest. In one hand he held the lemonade and sipped at it a bit at a time.
Jensen turned the TV on. Some show was on that he didn't recognize, but Calvin really wasn't paying attention to the TV. His thoughts were everywhere and so were his emotions. It was difficult to focus and Calvin didn't know what emotions he was feeling - it felt like so many at one time.
It was a commercial that brought Calvin out of his thoughts - a liquor commercial. Calvin saw it and the internal struggle came back to the surface. Calvin took a long drink from his lemonade and turned to face the window. He kept his eyes on the stars, tuning out the TV.
Calvin wasn't sure how long he stared at the stars and thought, but when the wolf howl in the distance broke through, he realized he had finished the lemonade and set it on the floor. Calvin shifted slightly at the sound, moving so his body as well as his head faced the window and he spoke.
"The wolves call me Star Gazer...you probably think I'm crazy...a guy that thinks he can talk to wolves."
Calvin didn't face Jensen, but the words were directed towards him. "The name isn't a literal meaning, although I do enjoy star gazing. It's more about the fact that I like to think things through before acting - not something I've been really good at lately."
Calvin sighed. "It has sort of a Native American ring to it - reminds me of my mother. After she died, and then my father - I found peace in the things she taught me about her heritage. And again after Mary and Benji died. But I can't find that peace anymore. It's like my mind isn't able to get quiet. There's so much going on that I can't focus."
All the emotions were overwhelming and Calvin wiped his eyes again. "Have you ever felt like such a failure because everyone around always was getting hurt and then you were afraid to get close to someone because they would get hurt too? Have you ever felt so out of control and the only thing you want is to be in control - like there is an internal conflict inside of you and you're not sure how to make it end without losing your sanity."
Calvin faced Jensen. "Then you find something - something that gives you the feeling of control. It doesn't matter that you aren't - it just matters that you feel that way. Several days ago, I woke up in a jail cell with no recollection of the crime I committed. It doesn't matter though because I had felt in control. It doesn't matter that I've woken up next to women I don't remember meeting, because I felt like I was in control. It's the times in between, when I'm sober and know how wrong it is that makes it hard - that draws me back. Because I realize I'm not in control during those time. Then the shame and guilt come - drawing me back. I want that peace I felt again, but can't find it. Why can't I find it?"