01-19-2018, 09:34 PM
Tenzin's quick grin was like a flash of sun light lighting up the drab room, made all the more special for being so rare. Jacinda nearly laughed and her smile was reflected in the look in her eyes. She was funny, though it came out as if carefully guarded and only shared with those she chose. Precious, for the sharing.
In her smile, she said, "I think we could make each other's ears bleed."
Then, reluctantly, she withdrew her hand, feeling the loss of what had been there. She didn't want Tenzin to feel uncomfortable. But all the same, she hadn't wanted to let go.
She couldn't put a name to what she had felt. She'd touched other men and women before. In training, in fighting, in camraderie, back slapping and teasing. Even in foreplay and passion. But she was never open. Not ever. To anyone. There was never any real sharing.
It was like that since....honestly, she wondered if she'd even been open with Regan. Had she?
She realized she had not. How could she? She didn't even know herself. So....never, then. Maybe.
This girl had opened herself up though. An offering, a way forward. She studied her. It had hit close to home.
"It's something to not be wanted. But I am glad you found a home. Had a good life. That someone took care of you."
Strange, it was like everything kept circling back. Something in her refused to let her deflect. Deflect what, she did not know. It all kept coming to a point though. And she was afraid to find out what it was. She could walk naked into a nest of Oni and feel no fear. She had faced down a quetzal and nearly died, but there was no fear. She had gone against a full powered god and only laughed at the joy of the hunt and her injuries.
But she was afraid of her own heart.
She stood and went to the counter, got coffee going, letting it emerge, life giving liquid, from the drip. The aroma filled the room. She poured two cups, found cream, sugar and spoons and brought them to the table, placing one for Tenzin and the other for herself. It had been quiet for a while.
She sat down and held the cup, feeling the warmth against her hands- perhaps a bit too hot where there were abrasions of freshly exposed skin. She almost welcomed the distraction, though.
Fear. But Tenzin had her measure. Fierce. Not weak. Not since the day she took her own life under control. Wrenched it from a fate that was worse than death. The scar on her right hand a testament to her rebirth. She sometimes still felt those cleansing flames and heat burning away who she had been.
Time to stop running. Easy to say. But not easy to begin. She laughed to herself. "No Regus never hurt me. In many ways, though, I think I was drawn to him. He was the first person since....well, the first person who I felt could measure up, could....."
she trailed off, unable even to admit the truth. She hesitantly met Tenzin's eye. Own me.
Aborrent. But deep down, so deep that she could barely admit it to herself, she hungered for it again. It had been so familiar. The safe time, after the chaos and loss. When she found stability and control after all that happened.
"My parents were killed by rougarou when I was 12. An atharim hunter took me in. He trained me, cared for me. I was more than his daughter. I was his companion. His girl, he called me. As much wife as daughter."
She looked off in the distance, remembering, whispering. "He was my world. Everything that existed was through his eyes. Everything I learned, everything that was important, from him. He was god to me. My very god. My universe. He shaped me and owned me to my soul."
Despite herself, she felt a tear drip. Her whisper became ragged, barely audible. Tenzin probably couldn't even hear her now. "And at the end, he got tired of me. He didn't want me anymore. After everything. He wanted to throw me away."
She closed her eyes, let the tears stream but compressed her lips. Not a sound escaped except her breathing.
She fought for control, the worst out in the open. She opened her eyes. "I wasn't good enough for him. And in all the years since then, I've never felt...like I belonged. Connected. Wanted."
She stared into Tenzin's black eyes. Thought about her life. Alike despite the differences. Both of them. Cast aside.
She smiled through her tears. "I am glad the lamas took you in and gave you a home."
Despite herself, she reached out again to touch her hand, just the finger tips, to feel that connection again. Just for a moment. Just one moment at least.
Edited by Jacinda, Jan 19 2018, 11:26 PM.
In her smile, she said, "I think we could make each other's ears bleed."
Then, reluctantly, she withdrew her hand, feeling the loss of what had been there. She didn't want Tenzin to feel uncomfortable. But all the same, she hadn't wanted to let go.
She couldn't put a name to what she had felt. She'd touched other men and women before. In training, in fighting, in camraderie, back slapping and teasing. Even in foreplay and passion. But she was never open. Not ever. To anyone. There was never any real sharing.
It was like that since....honestly, she wondered if she'd even been open with Regan. Had she?
She realized she had not. How could she? She didn't even know herself. So....never, then. Maybe.
This girl had opened herself up though. An offering, a way forward. She studied her. It had hit close to home.
"It's something to not be wanted. But I am glad you found a home. Had a good life. That someone took care of you."
Strange, it was like everything kept circling back. Something in her refused to let her deflect. Deflect what, she did not know. It all kept coming to a point though. And she was afraid to find out what it was. She could walk naked into a nest of Oni and feel no fear. She had faced down a quetzal and nearly died, but there was no fear. She had gone against a full powered god and only laughed at the joy of the hunt and her injuries.
But she was afraid of her own heart.
She stood and went to the counter, got coffee going, letting it emerge, life giving liquid, from the drip. The aroma filled the room. She poured two cups, found cream, sugar and spoons and brought them to the table, placing one for Tenzin and the other for herself. It had been quiet for a while.
She sat down and held the cup, feeling the warmth against her hands- perhaps a bit too hot where there were abrasions of freshly exposed skin. She almost welcomed the distraction, though.
Fear. But Tenzin had her measure. Fierce. Not weak. Not since the day she took her own life under control. Wrenched it from a fate that was worse than death. The scar on her right hand a testament to her rebirth. She sometimes still felt those cleansing flames and heat burning away who she had been.
Time to stop running. Easy to say. But not easy to begin. She laughed to herself. "No Regus never hurt me. In many ways, though, I think I was drawn to him. He was the first person since....well, the first person who I felt could measure up, could....."
she trailed off, unable even to admit the truth. She hesitantly met Tenzin's eye. Own me.
Aborrent. But deep down, so deep that she could barely admit it to herself, she hungered for it again. It had been so familiar. The safe time, after the chaos and loss. When she found stability and control after all that happened.
"My parents were killed by rougarou when I was 12. An atharim hunter took me in. He trained me, cared for me. I was more than his daughter. I was his companion. His girl, he called me. As much wife as daughter."
She looked off in the distance, remembering, whispering. "He was my world. Everything that existed was through his eyes. Everything I learned, everything that was important, from him. He was god to me. My very god. My universe. He shaped me and owned me to my soul."
Despite herself, she felt a tear drip. Her whisper became ragged, barely audible. Tenzin probably couldn't even hear her now. "And at the end, he got tired of me. He didn't want me anymore. After everything. He wanted to throw me away."
She closed her eyes, let the tears stream but compressed her lips. Not a sound escaped except her breathing.
She fought for control, the worst out in the open. She opened her eyes. "I wasn't good enough for him. And in all the years since then, I've never felt...like I belonged. Connected. Wanted."
She stared into Tenzin's black eyes. Thought about her life. Alike despite the differences. Both of them. Cast aside.
She smiled through her tears. "I am glad the lamas took you in and gave you a home."
Despite herself, she reached out again to touch her hand, just the finger tips, to feel that connection again. Just for a moment. Just one moment at least.
Edited by Jacinda, Jan 19 2018, 11:26 PM.