09-15-2018, 03:07 PM
Her face lit up brilliant. Cayli nudged the plate forward a little, enough to brace expectant arms on the table. Such a different response to the noose of Natalie's own so many years ago. The fear and confusion were distant memories now, but looking back on the path to both control and understanding, nothing had been easy. Turmoil marked the crossroads of her life back then anyway, but an unexplained sense of other only isolated her further.
She was glad to spare Cayli the same turbulence.
Natalie's hands wrapped about the coffee; she gave a half smile around a sip, letting some of that warm enthusiasm slip under her skin, though she doubted the girl would be particularly enamoured of what she had to say next. "First we make a deal, though, Cay. If you have questions you need answering in future, you ask me. And if I say no, I promise it's only for an important reason. No bullshit."
Cayli had the grace to flush, the surprise widening her eyes with what might have been guilt but might also have just been the blunt way Natalie spoke. She coughed a little, murmuring, "You sound funny when you swear." But the deflection was unnecessary protection; Natalie wasn't going to ask what she knew. She didn't covet a confession, and nor was it a scold as such. She'd never seen the point in treating children inferior, and kids like Cayli only railed against the cage of that ignorance. Usually to ill effect. No one stayed innocent forever.
After a moment, perhaps realising a response was awaited, Cayli simply nodded, unable to find her voice. Then her lips pinched abruptly, like the emotion sneaked up fast and struck her from behind. She frowned down at the congealing remains of her breakfast. Almost whispered like even the words were traitorous. "He's not the person I knew."
Cayli's brother was the last thing Natalie wanted to talk about; the last thing she wanted to think about. Though she availed herself of a new context, she truthfully had little idea of the thoughts ringing like stray bullets in Jay's head. The murkiness of her memories were not waters she wished to disturb for answers, either. "If he's a different person, he's still your big brother. One who was terrified of losing you."
"But he's just so--! You, and me, and oh god, Anna Marie. Her face, Natalie, and he just stood there in his shorts watching like it wasn't wrong at all. It's not him, Natalie. Not the him I knew. And I hate it."
Dread crept little ripples of cold, clawing her gut. She didn't want to hear. The pounding in her chest felt like a fracture, but she swallowed it down. Nothing unexpected echoed in that sound chamber; nothing she had not already confronted and set aside, no matter how painful. Except assumption and knowing were different creatures.
She needed to get out of this godforsaken casino.
Only Cay's expression was an open wound, and sometimes it was necessary to let go of your own injuries to tend someone else's. She loosened her grip on the coffee cup and set it down. Faint bruises lined her palms where she must have squeezed them too tight, the quiet hum of that memory like beating wings.
She hadn't wanted him to see her cry.
"He's carrying a mountain and wonders why he buckles under the strain of it. Not that he'll tell you that, Cay. I don't know what's going on with him, but sometimes it's easier to be hated. I don't think it was easy for him to come home after everything that's happened."
She scowled. "Is this what ambassadors do? You do remember where I found you!"
Natalie breathed into that accusation, but little actually stirred. The inward flinch of hurt could not be helped, but if she were to truly lay blame, it was with the drunken confessions she knew she had to have made. She wasn't a woman given to emotional display. She did not easily bare her heart, let alone leave it open to injury. Doing so had been foolish; little surprise there were unpleasant consequences.
As Natalie's silence lingered, Cayli slammed the heels of her hands into her eyes. The frustration simmered and spilled miserably, the heart worn on her sleeve bruised and betrayed and aching. "He didn't even answer a single message!" She bristled. "Well, two can play at that." A slam sent the tech face over. Her arms folded. Face sullen.
"Cay, none of this will work if you're angry."
"I can't help it!" Her gaze tipped upwards. Spots of pink pinched her cheeks. Natalie said nothing, just watched that storm rage and breech and die. The dregs of her drink were cold, but she didn't signal for another. Eventually Cay's chest eased out; a long and terrible sigh. Her gaze lowered, and Natalie captured it carefully.
"It's like an embrace. Not something you can force," she said. Paused until she felt the shadow of Cayli's attention return and finally soften into curiosity despite herself. "I play piano. It's what worked for me. Small notes building into chords. It wraps itself around you until you fall into it."
She listened; Natalie could see her falling rapt as she considered that. Maybe she even tried to flex that internal muscle, curious, but nothing happened to Natalie's senses. After a moment a small smile broached the battlements of Cayli's expression. A little of that familiar light danced. "Piano? Sometimes you start to sound normal, Natalie. And then. Just."
Natalie smirked.
They practised a while in those quiet early hours, with varying degrees of success. More coffee (more water) and the meagre attempt at a breakfast that didn't clench her stomach into rebellion. Eventually the world around them roused, and Natalie wasn't the only one watching tentatively for the hint of a black stetson. Cay bounded to her feet with fresh laid plans for the morning, some of her usual mood restored despite the lingering darkness. Natalie stood too, though paused when she caught upon a somewhat familiar face. "I'll catch you up."
Cay rolled her eyes but didn't argue.
The agent's face offered a memory, though one remembered clearer from their brush at the hospital than his intrusion in her room. It seemed he was alone, though Natalie didn't pause to sweep for the companion she only somewhat remembered curled up like a broken toy against the wall. There was a flush against his cheek that hadn't quite bloomed into bruising, half hidden by the cap shading his brow. His eyes were hard as granite stones as she approached.
"No attack dog today, Miss Grey?"
Her lips pursed, but no apology issued forth. Knowing their benefactor somewhat soured her opinion no matter how unfortunate the manner of greeting they had received yesterday. It wasn't like the frostiness was anything less than mutual. She doubted he saw little beyond a spoiled Custody princess, not least after her shambolic performance last night.
"Your presence isn't required any longer."
He shrugged. "You're relative Custody royalty, so we've been given to believe. If something were to happen to you here it'd be a diplomatic disaster. Plenty of people gunning for the excuse of war. Best not give them an easy one."
He called her Grey, but something niggled at that. It hovered just out of reach, like a puzzle piece that did not fit, or erroneously belonged to an entirely different picture. Her head buzzed dully at the frustration, let go with a sigh. Later. She'd have to think about it later.
He tipped his cap lower. Shrugged her off. "We'd appreciate the head's up this time if you'll be moving on. Place is quiet. Hopefully you won't be seeing us."
She sat on one of the loungers, cross-legged, the hem of her dress fluttering against her knees. Her wallet splayed beside her, one bud nestled in her ear, the other trailing on her lap exuding faint traces of soothing symphony. Nuvole Bianche wrapped thorns in her chest, beautiful as it was cruel. She idled over the paperback while Cayli swam. The kid had delighted over the spar -- her choice, not that Natalie minded. She supposed farm work didn't leave much chance for self-indulgence. Nor dying in a hospital bed. The bright pink glittery paint on her nails made Cayli happy anyway, as did lolling around in the water with no chores in sight.
Grey skies crowded out the sun, like the storm wasn't quite done doling out it's frustrations, though no rain fell. There were few people about outside given the weather's shifting threat. A canopy above preserved the temperature anyway, not that it was particularly cold. The relative quiet was welcome, as was the first time in a while Natalie actually felt herself unloosen. As moments went, it was almost beautiful. Even with Cayli's grinning, splashed attempts for attention.
'...Thus strangely are our souls constructed, and by slight ligaments are we bound to prosperity and ruin...'
"Cayli Carpenter!"
Cay flinched, her head bobbing up from the depths. Water streamed down her blanched face, eyes darting to Natalie regretfully. She hadn't been joking about ignoring her wallet; it was turned completely off, nestled atop a towel on the lounger next to Natalie. She heaved herself out, hair plastered to her head. Ran her arm over her face, blinking, as her mother bustled close.
"You're barely out of the hospital, Cay, and just look at those clouds! Your brother might act like we don't exist anymore, but you young lady are fourteen years old!"
"Mom, I was just--!"
Protest silenced with a look, her mum tucked her daughter's wallet under her arm and rippled out the towel. The lines on her face drew deep. The sharpness of her gaze swiped at Natalie's empty expression in passing. "I think it's time you went back to the Custody, dear."
Cayli frowned as her mum bundled the towel across her shoulders, mouthed why can't I tell her? over her shoulder as the woman marched her away. Soon only wet footprints marked their passing.
Peace fled, though the respite had been nice while it lasted. Denied Cayli's company there was little now to keep Natalie tied in place. The equilibrium of the morning swept free like a leaf tugged by the wind, only she wasn't sure if it felt like punishment or release. It's time you went back to the Custody, dear. The bottle called its sweetest siren, threatening to rip free all the nastiness within; expose every reason she had for oblivion being a better choice. Feeling the ghostly touch of that procession, she pressed a hand back over her head, pulled the soft lull of music from her ear.
She spent the next few moments flicking through her Wallet instead. Seeking distraction.
But escape beckoned one way or another.
She returned to her room for her bag first, looped it over her shoulder as she made her way to the car park. Twines of power eased the rental car's door open. She stuffed her bag on the passenger side seat and slipped in, relief unfurling in her chest. Azu's car has been old and sometimes needed coaxing to choke to life. Amidah's car keys were impossible to find the second time she borrowed her vehicle. She knew the mechanics in theory, but it had been a long time and this car was a lot newer than either of those. Her hand rested on the dash. She frowned faintly and let the power run through, seeking the purr of the engine.
She was glad to spare Cayli the same turbulence.
Natalie's hands wrapped about the coffee; she gave a half smile around a sip, letting some of that warm enthusiasm slip under her skin, though she doubted the girl would be particularly enamoured of what she had to say next. "First we make a deal, though, Cay. If you have questions you need answering in future, you ask me. And if I say no, I promise it's only for an important reason. No bullshit."
Cayli had the grace to flush, the surprise widening her eyes with what might have been guilt but might also have just been the blunt way Natalie spoke. She coughed a little, murmuring, "You sound funny when you swear." But the deflection was unnecessary protection; Natalie wasn't going to ask what she knew. She didn't covet a confession, and nor was it a scold as such. She'd never seen the point in treating children inferior, and kids like Cayli only railed against the cage of that ignorance. Usually to ill effect. No one stayed innocent forever.
After a moment, perhaps realising a response was awaited, Cayli simply nodded, unable to find her voice. Then her lips pinched abruptly, like the emotion sneaked up fast and struck her from behind. She frowned down at the congealing remains of her breakfast. Almost whispered like even the words were traitorous. "He's not the person I knew."
Cayli's brother was the last thing Natalie wanted to talk about; the last thing she wanted to think about. Though she availed herself of a new context, she truthfully had little idea of the thoughts ringing like stray bullets in Jay's head. The murkiness of her memories were not waters she wished to disturb for answers, either. "If he's a different person, he's still your big brother. One who was terrified of losing you."
"But he's just so--! You, and me, and oh god, Anna Marie. Her face, Natalie, and he just stood there in his shorts watching like it wasn't wrong at all. It's not him, Natalie. Not the him I knew. And I hate it."
Dread crept little ripples of cold, clawing her gut. She didn't want to hear. The pounding in her chest felt like a fracture, but she swallowed it down. Nothing unexpected echoed in that sound chamber; nothing she had not already confronted and set aside, no matter how painful. Except assumption and knowing were different creatures.
She needed to get out of this godforsaken casino.
Only Cay's expression was an open wound, and sometimes it was necessary to let go of your own injuries to tend someone else's. She loosened her grip on the coffee cup and set it down. Faint bruises lined her palms where she must have squeezed them too tight, the quiet hum of that memory like beating wings.
She hadn't wanted him to see her cry.
"He's carrying a mountain and wonders why he buckles under the strain of it. Not that he'll tell you that, Cay. I don't know what's going on with him, but sometimes it's easier to be hated. I don't think it was easy for him to come home after everything that's happened."
She scowled. "Is this what ambassadors do? You do remember where I found you!"
Natalie breathed into that accusation, but little actually stirred. The inward flinch of hurt could not be helped, but if she were to truly lay blame, it was with the drunken confessions she knew she had to have made. She wasn't a woman given to emotional display. She did not easily bare her heart, let alone leave it open to injury. Doing so had been foolish; little surprise there were unpleasant consequences.
As Natalie's silence lingered, Cayli slammed the heels of her hands into her eyes. The frustration simmered and spilled miserably, the heart worn on her sleeve bruised and betrayed and aching. "He didn't even answer a single message!" She bristled. "Well, two can play at that." A slam sent the tech face over. Her arms folded. Face sullen.
"Cay, none of this will work if you're angry."
"I can't help it!" Her gaze tipped upwards. Spots of pink pinched her cheeks. Natalie said nothing, just watched that storm rage and breech and die. The dregs of her drink were cold, but she didn't signal for another. Eventually Cay's chest eased out; a long and terrible sigh. Her gaze lowered, and Natalie captured it carefully.
"It's like an embrace. Not something you can force," she said. Paused until she felt the shadow of Cayli's attention return and finally soften into curiosity despite herself. "I play piano. It's what worked for me. Small notes building into chords. It wraps itself around you until you fall into it."
She listened; Natalie could see her falling rapt as she considered that. Maybe she even tried to flex that internal muscle, curious, but nothing happened to Natalie's senses. After a moment a small smile broached the battlements of Cayli's expression. A little of that familiar light danced. "Piano? Sometimes you start to sound normal, Natalie. And then. Just."
Natalie smirked.
They practised a while in those quiet early hours, with varying degrees of success. More coffee (more water) and the meagre attempt at a breakfast that didn't clench her stomach into rebellion. Eventually the world around them roused, and Natalie wasn't the only one watching tentatively for the hint of a black stetson. Cay bounded to her feet with fresh laid plans for the morning, some of her usual mood restored despite the lingering darkness. Natalie stood too, though paused when she caught upon a somewhat familiar face. "I'll catch you up."
Cay rolled her eyes but didn't argue.
The agent's face offered a memory, though one remembered clearer from their brush at the hospital than his intrusion in her room. It seemed he was alone, though Natalie didn't pause to sweep for the companion she only somewhat remembered curled up like a broken toy against the wall. There was a flush against his cheek that hadn't quite bloomed into bruising, half hidden by the cap shading his brow. His eyes were hard as granite stones as she approached.
"No attack dog today, Miss Grey?"
Her lips pursed, but no apology issued forth. Knowing their benefactor somewhat soured her opinion no matter how unfortunate the manner of greeting they had received yesterday. It wasn't like the frostiness was anything less than mutual. She doubted he saw little beyond a spoiled Custody princess, not least after her shambolic performance last night.
"Your presence isn't required any longer."
He shrugged. "You're relative Custody royalty, so we've been given to believe. If something were to happen to you here it'd be a diplomatic disaster. Plenty of people gunning for the excuse of war. Best not give them an easy one."
He called her Grey, but something niggled at that. It hovered just out of reach, like a puzzle piece that did not fit, or erroneously belonged to an entirely different picture. Her head buzzed dully at the frustration, let go with a sigh. Later. She'd have to think about it later.
He tipped his cap lower. Shrugged her off. "We'd appreciate the head's up this time if you'll be moving on. Place is quiet. Hopefully you won't be seeing us."
She sat on one of the loungers, cross-legged, the hem of her dress fluttering against her knees. Her wallet splayed beside her, one bud nestled in her ear, the other trailing on her lap exuding faint traces of soothing symphony. Nuvole Bianche wrapped thorns in her chest, beautiful as it was cruel. She idled over the paperback while Cayli swam. The kid had delighted over the spar -- her choice, not that Natalie minded. She supposed farm work didn't leave much chance for self-indulgence. Nor dying in a hospital bed. The bright pink glittery paint on her nails made Cayli happy anyway, as did lolling around in the water with no chores in sight.
Grey skies crowded out the sun, like the storm wasn't quite done doling out it's frustrations, though no rain fell. There were few people about outside given the weather's shifting threat. A canopy above preserved the temperature anyway, not that it was particularly cold. The relative quiet was welcome, as was the first time in a while Natalie actually felt herself unloosen. As moments went, it was almost beautiful. Even with Cayli's grinning, splashed attempts for attention.
'...Thus strangely are our souls constructed, and by slight ligaments are we bound to prosperity and ruin...'
"Cayli Carpenter!"
Cay flinched, her head bobbing up from the depths. Water streamed down her blanched face, eyes darting to Natalie regretfully. She hadn't been joking about ignoring her wallet; it was turned completely off, nestled atop a towel on the lounger next to Natalie. She heaved herself out, hair plastered to her head. Ran her arm over her face, blinking, as her mother bustled close.
"You're barely out of the hospital, Cay, and just look at those clouds! Your brother might act like we don't exist anymore, but you young lady are fourteen years old!"
"Mom, I was just--!"
Protest silenced with a look, her mum tucked her daughter's wallet under her arm and rippled out the towel. The lines on her face drew deep. The sharpness of her gaze swiped at Natalie's empty expression in passing. "I think it's time you went back to the Custody, dear."
Cayli frowned as her mum bundled the towel across her shoulders, mouthed why can't I tell her? over her shoulder as the woman marched her away. Soon only wet footprints marked their passing.
Peace fled, though the respite had been nice while it lasted. Denied Cayli's company there was little now to keep Natalie tied in place. The equilibrium of the morning swept free like a leaf tugged by the wind, only she wasn't sure if it felt like punishment or release. It's time you went back to the Custody, dear. The bottle called its sweetest siren, threatening to rip free all the nastiness within; expose every reason she had for oblivion being a better choice. Feeling the ghostly touch of that procession, she pressed a hand back over her head, pulled the soft lull of music from her ear.
She spent the next few moments flicking through her Wallet instead. Seeking distraction.
But escape beckoned one way or another.
She returned to her room for her bag first, looped it over her shoulder as she made her way to the car park. Twines of power eased the rental car's door open. She stuffed her bag on the passenger side seat and slipped in, relief unfurling in her chest. Azu's car has been old and sometimes needed coaxing to choke to life. Amidah's car keys were impossible to find the second time she borrowed her vehicle. She knew the mechanics in theory, but it had been a long time and this car was a lot newer than either of those. Her hand rested on the dash. She frowned faintly and let the power run through, seeking the purr of the engine.