01-27-2023, 09:55 PM
(This post was last modified: 01-27-2023, 10:04 PM by Natalie Grey.)
Music freed the weight from her soul; a fall and a surrender into something she rarely allowed herself. It was why she'd once used it to ease her learning of the power, for in some ways they felt like the same thing – both vast and incomprehensible and beautiful. The rising melodies unhooked a catch in her chest, and she let the feelings smooth in waves over the knot of weary thoughts within. By now Natalie had set aside the coffees and her purse on one of the tables, though she still stood, like she intended to move on but could not quite tear herself away. Her attention was quiet, expression still. An observer would be hard pressed to guess quite how it affected her.
Most of them, anyway.
Natalie was slow to recognise the buzzing of her wallet, and she almost didn’t finish reading the revealed message, not when the first words doused her with such cold regret over the eagerness of her own foolish hope. It was a need to feel the full cut that forced her to the end, but by then she was aware of the presence behind her. Her stomach fluttered. Actually fluttered. When she turned her pale eyes were sardonically narrowed, but only for the moment it took to absorb his expression and the open hand. Natalie hid joy as assiduously as pain – or any other strong emotion, for that matter. But nothing shielded her then. The glimpse was about as rare as the sun rising in the west; a genuine smile, flared to life in answer to his own, because light that grin – and all the damnable ways it tangled with every part of her soul.
She slid her palm over his without hesitation, a little amused laughter humming low in her throat. A beckon to the bowels of hell, or an invitation to dance like utter fools, it didn’t seem to make much difference to her if the hand offering it was his. There was no wilful tease this time, just the heartworn steps of something timeless. A light tug on her wrist and two steps forward, and Natalie was in another world. Warmth suffused. The cradle of arms felt like a home she had not been looking to find. For once she didn't fight it.
One hand threaded a path upwards, slipped underneath the collar of his jacket to brush his neck. The other fell into the shell of his. Her fingers caressed a light and affectionate welcome, aware of the split skin and healing bruises over his knuckles, but if the touch investigated it was only in acceptance. Her fingers teased and laced together like a promise. They weren’t alone, but they might as well have been for all the attention she paid anything else. She didn’t know what Jay saw when he looked down, but she did not shy away from meeting it.
Had she really been prepared to let him go? Not the shape of him tucked somewhere close. She’d intended to keep him safe even if it was from a distance, and even if he never knew she did it. But the idea of losing this?
Faced with the warm closeness of him, it seemed unfathomable. Yet Natalie was excellent at self-preservation. In his absence she reminded herself often of all the ways he was dangerous, lingering upon all the worst crevices of their past for evidence of how it would end. Love in all its forms had finite boundaries, and she’d cut herself to ribbons learning those edges once. She’d been certain that eventually she’d find them here too. In fact it was a line she sometimes found herself wondering whether they’d crossed already. God knew the last year ought to have broken them.
But it hadn't.
She knew why. Of course she did. Only Natalie was a professed and loyal cynic, and she rarely allowed herself to think about the undeserved peace discovered in a shitty motel room, or of the fantasy they’d woven there. Because it was fantasy. How could it be anything else? Every time she slipped them free from reality’s hold to offer the promise of sanctuary she’d never considered trusting the same comfort for herself.
She thought about it now though; careful of her rushing heart, and enamoured of the moment.
When Jay loosened the grip on his own demons, he was the easiest person she knew to be around. Looking up at him now, she appreciated for perhaps the first time how he settled something vital in her. Natalie never remembered letting him in. His breach of the battlements she kept around herself had been artless, and not always by his design or her invitation. In fact usually not by either. Only the discovery didn't feel like trespass. It felt like something precious.
She could blame the music for the stir in her chest. For the deepness of her breathing. But she knew that wasn’t true. She was quiet while the song continued, existing wholly in the moment he gave them. A smile played softly on the edges of her expression, contained again now like ocean swept sand, but by now he knew the secrets imprinted there. If she could pull at the strings of time and slow its pace, she would have. Fall forever, never land.
“Hey,” she greeted eventually, as around them began a new melody. She was in no great rush to slip away, but the tilt of her smile had recaptured its wicked gleam, and there was a spark of repartee to her gaze. She didn't say the words this time, but she wondered if he might hear them anyway. He really was terribly dramatic. But it had never been an insult.
Most of them, anyway.
Natalie was slow to recognise the buzzing of her wallet, and she almost didn’t finish reading the revealed message, not when the first words doused her with such cold regret over the eagerness of her own foolish hope. It was a need to feel the full cut that forced her to the end, but by then she was aware of the presence behind her. Her stomach fluttered. Actually fluttered. When she turned her pale eyes were sardonically narrowed, but only for the moment it took to absorb his expression and the open hand. Natalie hid joy as assiduously as pain – or any other strong emotion, for that matter. But nothing shielded her then. The glimpse was about as rare as the sun rising in the west; a genuine smile, flared to life in answer to his own, because light that grin – and all the damnable ways it tangled with every part of her soul.
She slid her palm over his without hesitation, a little amused laughter humming low in her throat. A beckon to the bowels of hell, or an invitation to dance like utter fools, it didn’t seem to make much difference to her if the hand offering it was his. There was no wilful tease this time, just the heartworn steps of something timeless. A light tug on her wrist and two steps forward, and Natalie was in another world. Warmth suffused. The cradle of arms felt like a home she had not been looking to find. For once she didn't fight it.
One hand threaded a path upwards, slipped underneath the collar of his jacket to brush his neck. The other fell into the shell of his. Her fingers caressed a light and affectionate welcome, aware of the split skin and healing bruises over his knuckles, but if the touch investigated it was only in acceptance. Her fingers teased and laced together like a promise. They weren’t alone, but they might as well have been for all the attention she paid anything else. She didn’t know what Jay saw when he looked down, but she did not shy away from meeting it.
Had she really been prepared to let him go? Not the shape of him tucked somewhere close. She’d intended to keep him safe even if it was from a distance, and even if he never knew she did it. But the idea of losing this?
Faced with the warm closeness of him, it seemed unfathomable. Yet Natalie was excellent at self-preservation. In his absence she reminded herself often of all the ways he was dangerous, lingering upon all the worst crevices of their past for evidence of how it would end. Love in all its forms had finite boundaries, and she’d cut herself to ribbons learning those edges once. She’d been certain that eventually she’d find them here too. In fact it was a line she sometimes found herself wondering whether they’d crossed already. God knew the last year ought to have broken them.
But it hadn't.
She knew why. Of course she did. Only Natalie was a professed and loyal cynic, and she rarely allowed herself to think about the undeserved peace discovered in a shitty motel room, or of the fantasy they’d woven there. Because it was fantasy. How could it be anything else? Every time she slipped them free from reality’s hold to offer the promise of sanctuary she’d never considered trusting the same comfort for herself.
She thought about it now though; careful of her rushing heart, and enamoured of the moment.
When Jay loosened the grip on his own demons, he was the easiest person she knew to be around. Looking up at him now, she appreciated for perhaps the first time how he settled something vital in her. Natalie never remembered letting him in. His breach of the battlements she kept around herself had been artless, and not always by his design or her invitation. In fact usually not by either. Only the discovery didn't feel like trespass. It felt like something precious.
She could blame the music for the stir in her chest. For the deepness of her breathing. But she knew that wasn’t true. She was quiet while the song continued, existing wholly in the moment he gave them. A smile played softly on the edges of her expression, contained again now like ocean swept sand, but by now he knew the secrets imprinted there. If she could pull at the strings of time and slow its pace, she would have. Fall forever, never land.
“Hey,” she greeted eventually, as around them began a new melody. She was in no great rush to slip away, but the tilt of her smile had recaptured its wicked gleam, and there was a spark of repartee to her gaze. She didn't say the words this time, but she wondered if he might hear them anyway. He really was terribly dramatic. But it had never been an insult.