07-01-2023, 08:04 PM
When he looked up it settled something vital in her, and had things been less dire she might have simply folded into him there and then. The world could turn a little longer without them in it, certainly. But was he really not going to ask why she hadn’t told him about her Raising? She watched his gaze dip to the serpent ring; felt him steel himself against a fortress wall that simply was not there. Not for him.
“Light Jai, you think if I’d heard because I was Aes-bloody-Sedai I wouldn’t have been there regardless of the damn sanction? Don’t do either of us the disservice of believing that.” Her tone was firm, quiet, and she smoothed away the surprised flicker of hurt in its wake. Given the way everything had happened he was entitled to the doubt, but she did not like that he withdrew into assumption rather than just speaking it plain. The entire world would see the ring before they saw the woman who wore it. It was one of the fears she had dwelt on; that Jai would see nothing more than a widened chasm.
“It’s been two weeks, give or take,” she added, softer. “Admittedly the days have blurred a little. There is a lot to tell you.” Weariness lined the words like comfort in a casket, but she didn’t share the weight as easily as she offered to take it from others. She’d hold nothing back when she did tell him, and there would be no judging what she thought he could and could not handle of what transpired since the Test. But there was other ground to cover first, and she had shoulders broad enough for the burden until then. She would not let him see the shape of her own worries, not yet.
“I heard nothing of the ceremony at all until I spoke to a sister in Caemlyn. That was only this afternoon, and she didn’t tell me because I was Aes Sedai.” She doubted Jai would read between the lines there, but Ellomai’s words lingered even then. Warnings and advice were usually things she rebelled against, either because she was reckless, or because she resented the notion she could not discern for herself what was important and not. Instead she’d been surprised at her own blindness. That her fear of Jai’s rejection would have consequences before she’d even gotten used to the shawl on her shoulders. She’d assumed him safe. She should have known better.
She should have at least known something of what was coming.
Yet of the final culmination of Arad Doman’s negotiations, Maylis had said precisely nothing, despite that over the months since the hunt they spoke of the Seanchan presence often. Prejudices armed the other Green and it made her outspoken; the whole reason Nythadri so easily accepted her mentorship when she agreed to Lythia’s offer. Retribution clearly suited Maylis better than the Dragon’s Peace, yet until now war had seemed nothing more than a fool’s ambition that kept her tongue loose, not a possibility. If the Altaran sister’s ministrations upon Nythadri’s Aspirancy had been more complex and subtle, it was an uncomfortable thought. Perhaps it was no wonder she had been so casually denigrating of Aes Sedai bonding Asha’man. Easier to blunt the ties than give a young sister reason for rebellion, especially when that sister was Nythadri. She recalled that Kabryn had asked her to visit the day of Talin’s gate. And Nythadri would never know if it was for impending honesty or something else.
“The Amyrlin publicly withdrew her support; apparently she barred any Aes Sedai from attending the proceedings today. Yui was not best pleased to see me, though it was all done by then. Daryen wasn’t concerned in the slightest, so the light only knows what he and the Amyrlin were up to. But whatever agreement he and Kaydrienne had is as good as ash now.” She did not look away, watching his expression to see how much he already knew. The news was hard to share. It felt like pulling the rug from under him, for she imagined some of the gaps would not be the Compulsion’s fault at all, but things Daryen had chosen not to tell him.
The toppling mountain of consequence was a problem for dawn’s light, though. And in all honesty only the least of them to crowd in the shadows around them. Nythadri would not spare the detail when it became necessary, but for now Jai was the only thing that mattered. Leaders would rise and fall. The Dark One would make his moves. Allies and enemies blurred to indistinction. Only one soul tugged her own, though. She watched his attention drift as he tried and failed to grasp at what had happened. His expression cracked pain right through her when he asked that single question.
“No, Jai. That’s not why.”
It was an ugly demon he bared, and not one she could heal; just one she could balance, maybe, when he allowed her to. She read it clearly in his abject acceptance, that the injury was just as deep as if he’d killed Larnair by his own hand. He believed himself capable. Whatever relief he might yet feel would not be an exoneration to him, for it was not a scab he was like to leave alone. Between belief and truth, belief had the far sharper edge. One he would continue to impale himself upon like a man with one eye on the gallows.
When he joined her on the floor, she held onto him fiercely. His silence disturbed her a little, but his closeness quieted her too. Her face pressed into the warm curve of his neck, glad the collar and pins were not there between them. Dark hair spilled down his back. Her body flushed tight. Words came in a whisper. “I hate that you’re tangled up in this now, but light I’m glad you’re here.” There was nearly always something dry or sarcastic or simply apathetic to Nythadri's tone. Even genuine sincerity was frequently camouflaged so, laid bare for what it was only to those who knew her well enough to navigate the sharpness. But not then. It was selfish, but very true. And for a while the strength seeped out. For a while it was him she leaned on.
She wished she’d taken him somewhere else then. Anywhere else.
When she eventually stirred it was not to untangle far. She brushed the line of his jaw, mindful of the diluted blood still on her hands, and pressed her lips gently to his. It wasn't the kind of reunion she had imagined, and light knew she had imagined enough to make even some of her Ajah sisters blush. It was a softer kiss, harder won. The kind that promised there were no dark spaces she'd fear to tread, if that was where she was to find him. Nythadri was rarely free with words of devotion, not even when he called her out on it, but he ought to know her by now. This is us, her kiss said. This is what I choose. Her gaze held promises she might never speak out loud, not for how soul-deep she knew it. She kept those things close. But she wanted him to feel it. Especially in the worst moments. Especially when he believed he did not deserve it.
When she sat back on her heels, his legs were still caged around her. Nythadri’s hands idled about his, unwilling to loosen the connection, but it was as soft as it had been that night in the sand. Her expression was bone-tired, but the shock had begun to ease its hold. The small tremble had gone.
“You were under Compulsion,” she told him. No sugar-coating to ease the blow. It was an honesty of equals; Nythadri had no intention of interrogating him for answers she could glean elsewhere. For she intended to find answers; ruthlessly if she had to, to discover who had done this to him. In the meantime they’d figure out what they could together. “I can fill some of the blanks. Guess at others. I found you in the White Tower, being escorted by a servant to the Travelling Grounds. You walked right past me.” How much he would want to know she was unsure. Jai only lied to himself, after all, and ignorance was a secret she’d keep for him, should he want that from her. But it wasn’t a choice she’d make for him. “Someone engineered the leadership of both Towers to fall in tandem tonight, and used you to do it. One of the Forsaken, it had to have been, though I do not think they acted alone. The only way to save you was to fulfil the command set. But it wasn’t you who killed him, Jai; you were shielded.”
“Light Jai, you think if I’d heard because I was Aes-bloody-Sedai I wouldn’t have been there regardless of the damn sanction? Don’t do either of us the disservice of believing that.” Her tone was firm, quiet, and she smoothed away the surprised flicker of hurt in its wake. Given the way everything had happened he was entitled to the doubt, but she did not like that he withdrew into assumption rather than just speaking it plain. The entire world would see the ring before they saw the woman who wore it. It was one of the fears she had dwelt on; that Jai would see nothing more than a widened chasm.
“It’s been two weeks, give or take,” she added, softer. “Admittedly the days have blurred a little. There is a lot to tell you.” Weariness lined the words like comfort in a casket, but she didn’t share the weight as easily as she offered to take it from others. She’d hold nothing back when she did tell him, and there would be no judging what she thought he could and could not handle of what transpired since the Test. But there was other ground to cover first, and she had shoulders broad enough for the burden until then. She would not let him see the shape of her own worries, not yet.
“I heard nothing of the ceremony at all until I spoke to a sister in Caemlyn. That was only this afternoon, and she didn’t tell me because I was Aes Sedai.” She doubted Jai would read between the lines there, but Ellomai’s words lingered even then. Warnings and advice were usually things she rebelled against, either because she was reckless, or because she resented the notion she could not discern for herself what was important and not. Instead she’d been surprised at her own blindness. That her fear of Jai’s rejection would have consequences before she’d even gotten used to the shawl on her shoulders. She’d assumed him safe. She should have known better.
She should have at least known something of what was coming.
Yet of the final culmination of Arad Doman’s negotiations, Maylis had said precisely nothing, despite that over the months since the hunt they spoke of the Seanchan presence often. Prejudices armed the other Green and it made her outspoken; the whole reason Nythadri so easily accepted her mentorship when she agreed to Lythia’s offer. Retribution clearly suited Maylis better than the Dragon’s Peace, yet until now war had seemed nothing more than a fool’s ambition that kept her tongue loose, not a possibility. If the Altaran sister’s ministrations upon Nythadri’s Aspirancy had been more complex and subtle, it was an uncomfortable thought. Perhaps it was no wonder she had been so casually denigrating of Aes Sedai bonding Asha’man. Easier to blunt the ties than give a young sister reason for rebellion, especially when that sister was Nythadri. She recalled that Kabryn had asked her to visit the day of Talin’s gate. And Nythadri would never know if it was for impending honesty or something else.
“The Amyrlin publicly withdrew her support; apparently she barred any Aes Sedai from attending the proceedings today. Yui was not best pleased to see me, though it was all done by then. Daryen wasn’t concerned in the slightest, so the light only knows what he and the Amyrlin were up to. But whatever agreement he and Kaydrienne had is as good as ash now.” She did not look away, watching his expression to see how much he already knew. The news was hard to share. It felt like pulling the rug from under him, for she imagined some of the gaps would not be the Compulsion’s fault at all, but things Daryen had chosen not to tell him.
The toppling mountain of consequence was a problem for dawn’s light, though. And in all honesty only the least of them to crowd in the shadows around them. Nythadri would not spare the detail when it became necessary, but for now Jai was the only thing that mattered. Leaders would rise and fall. The Dark One would make his moves. Allies and enemies blurred to indistinction. Only one soul tugged her own, though. She watched his attention drift as he tried and failed to grasp at what had happened. His expression cracked pain right through her when he asked that single question.
“No, Jai. That’s not why.”
It was an ugly demon he bared, and not one she could heal; just one she could balance, maybe, when he allowed her to. She read it clearly in his abject acceptance, that the injury was just as deep as if he’d killed Larnair by his own hand. He believed himself capable. Whatever relief he might yet feel would not be an exoneration to him, for it was not a scab he was like to leave alone. Between belief and truth, belief had the far sharper edge. One he would continue to impale himself upon like a man with one eye on the gallows.
When he joined her on the floor, she held onto him fiercely. His silence disturbed her a little, but his closeness quieted her too. Her face pressed into the warm curve of his neck, glad the collar and pins were not there between them. Dark hair spilled down his back. Her body flushed tight. Words came in a whisper. “I hate that you’re tangled up in this now, but light I’m glad you’re here.” There was nearly always something dry or sarcastic or simply apathetic to Nythadri's tone. Even genuine sincerity was frequently camouflaged so, laid bare for what it was only to those who knew her well enough to navigate the sharpness. But not then. It was selfish, but very true. And for a while the strength seeped out. For a while it was him she leaned on.
She wished she’d taken him somewhere else then. Anywhere else.
When she eventually stirred it was not to untangle far. She brushed the line of his jaw, mindful of the diluted blood still on her hands, and pressed her lips gently to his. It wasn't the kind of reunion she had imagined, and light knew she had imagined enough to make even some of her Ajah sisters blush. It was a softer kiss, harder won. The kind that promised there were no dark spaces she'd fear to tread, if that was where she was to find him. Nythadri was rarely free with words of devotion, not even when he called her out on it, but he ought to know her by now. This is us, her kiss said. This is what I choose. Her gaze held promises she might never speak out loud, not for how soul-deep she knew it. She kept those things close. But she wanted him to feel it. Especially in the worst moments. Especially when he believed he did not deserve it.
When she sat back on her heels, his legs were still caged around her. Nythadri’s hands idled about his, unwilling to loosen the connection, but it was as soft as it had been that night in the sand. Her expression was bone-tired, but the shock had begun to ease its hold. The small tremble had gone.
“You were under Compulsion,” she told him. No sugar-coating to ease the blow. It was an honesty of equals; Nythadri had no intention of interrogating him for answers she could glean elsewhere. For she intended to find answers; ruthlessly if she had to, to discover who had done this to him. In the meantime they’d figure out what they could together. “I can fill some of the blanks. Guess at others. I found you in the White Tower, being escorted by a servant to the Travelling Grounds. You walked right past me.” How much he would want to know she was unsure. Jai only lied to himself, after all, and ignorance was a secret she’d keep for him, should he want that from her. But it wasn’t a choice she’d make for him. “Someone engineered the leadership of both Towers to fall in tandem tonight, and used you to do it. One of the Forsaken, it had to have been, though I do not think they acted alone. The only way to save you was to fulfil the command set. But it wasn’t you who killed him, Jai; you were shielded.”