04-15-2025, 03:42 PM
Nox didn't actually stop talking after he poignantly asked him what he should do. "I'm either fighting my own internal demons which you then have to listen to my fucking problems, or you are bitching because I'm not myself. I can either be depressed and take unnecessary risk or I can be numb and take unnecessary risks. There is no fixing me. I should be dead, Hayden. Fucking dead like my sister. Do you know how many times I've escaped death? Atharim hunters don't live long and I've fucked up a lot Hayden. I survived a fucking plane crash when many others didn't. I've survived the horde. I've survived nearly blowing myself up with my fucking experiments. I've survived rougs who wanted to eat me alive. I've survived nearly killing myself because of their botched work healing me. I've survived a dreyken attack that should have killed me. And all with in the past year and half Hayden. Not even two years and I should be dead, but I'm not because of the luck of the fucking draw. Because I know healers and how to fight the demons inside me." Nox's words were cold and distant. There was no fury in his voice, he was calm and content, he hadn't flicked to anger. Maybe he didn't have the contacts in yet.
Nox pulled his shirt over his head and walked out of the room. "Fuck!"
Lily started crying and Nox poked his head in with a pile of his clothes in his arms and tossed them on the bed then picked up Lily. Hayden sighed and started getting dressed "Sorry I woke her."
Nox just shrugged and made a bottle with the contents of the bag that were in his closet. He was a good father even if he didn't feel that emotion right now. Hayden tried to remain as calm as Nox was, but he was probably going to fail."You survived all that. You can survive anything Nox."
"Why? Why should I have to? Are you that afraid of me?" There was a tinge of sadness in his voice. "Because without the power whatever danger I posed is not even a blink on your fucking radar." Nox cradled Lily in his arms and fed the baby with ease and grace and Hayden hated he was just being calm.
"I'm terrified of you like this Nox. What happens when your moral compass has no indicator of prior association? Nox you kill without remorse as an Atharim."
Nox stood up and turned quickly almost too quickly and Hayden knew that was an angry gesture, he felt something and Hayden wasn't sure it was a good thing in this moment. "I kill without remorse? Did you ever ask me what I saw in my dreams? It's not just my sister, and my mother and Aria, I see the fucking faces of the dead. The ones I killed, and I didn't even know who some of them were until Jacob showed up in my life. All the bodies on the ground, you think they are random?"
Nox rolled his eyes. "What do you want me to fucking do? What happens if Sage's nanobots can reconnect the power, or I get healed miraculously and the fucking horde comes back. So now on top of my fucking guilt and trauma I have to deal with their fucking instinct to feed fuck and fight. You like that version of me better than this?"
"You don't know that it will come back."
"And you don't know if it won't. You still love me if I'm a fucking feral beast who can't control his dick or his hands and wants to fight and fuck everything? Seriously, that's better than this." Nox put Lily on the bed "Sky, wake Liam and have him come get Lily." He started pacing. Hayden watched as he knew Nox was angry, his mechanical hand was balled tight, he was feeling angry even above all that numbness.
Liam was quickly there, whatever Sky had told him, he didn't look at either him or Nox. He just came in scooped the baby up and then rushed out the door closing it behind him. "You're that angry that I care?"
Nox stalked over to him. Deadly as a cat and the look in his eyes said he could kill him in a stroke of a moment, but Nox didn't lay a finger on him. He stood there staring into Hayden's eyes, the wheels turning, he didn't know what to say, or how to say it. But he wanted to say something. His eyes flicked to the side and Hayden wished he knew what emotion he'd just turned on, what he wanted to do right in that moment. The anger faded to nothing, no emotion. Cold empty eyes, he was back to his new status quo. And Hayden hated it. "I hate seeing you empty Nox. You are full of life. You have a huge heart. I hate that you've lost that feeling. I know it comes with guilt and nightmares. But this, it's not you, no matter how much you want it to be. I'll take feral over nothing." Hayden's voice cracked, he felt the tears welling up in his eyes. He was pissed and sad and he didn't know what else. But he didn't hide it from Nox.
Nox pulled his shirt over his head and walked out of the room. "Fuck!"
Lily started crying and Nox poked his head in with a pile of his clothes in his arms and tossed them on the bed then picked up Lily. Hayden sighed and started getting dressed "Sorry I woke her."
Nox just shrugged and made a bottle with the contents of the bag that were in his closet. He was a good father even if he didn't feel that emotion right now. Hayden tried to remain as calm as Nox was, but he was probably going to fail."You survived all that. You can survive anything Nox."
"Why? Why should I have to? Are you that afraid of me?" There was a tinge of sadness in his voice. "Because without the power whatever danger I posed is not even a blink on your fucking radar." Nox cradled Lily in his arms and fed the baby with ease and grace and Hayden hated he was just being calm.
"I'm terrified of you like this Nox. What happens when your moral compass has no indicator of prior association? Nox you kill without remorse as an Atharim."
Nox stood up and turned quickly almost too quickly and Hayden knew that was an angry gesture, he felt something and Hayden wasn't sure it was a good thing in this moment. "I kill without remorse? Did you ever ask me what I saw in my dreams? It's not just my sister, and my mother and Aria, I see the fucking faces of the dead. The ones I killed, and I didn't even know who some of them were until Jacob showed up in my life. All the bodies on the ground, you think they are random?"
Nox rolled his eyes. "What do you want me to fucking do? What happens if Sage's nanobots can reconnect the power, or I get healed miraculously and the fucking horde comes back. So now on top of my fucking guilt and trauma I have to deal with their fucking instinct to feed fuck and fight. You like that version of me better than this?"
"You don't know that it will come back."
"And you don't know if it won't. You still love me if I'm a fucking feral beast who can't control his dick or his hands and wants to fight and fuck everything? Seriously, that's better than this." Nox put Lily on the bed "Sky, wake Liam and have him come get Lily." He started pacing. Hayden watched as he knew Nox was angry, his mechanical hand was balled tight, he was feeling angry even above all that numbness.
Liam was quickly there, whatever Sky had told him, he didn't look at either him or Nox. He just came in scooped the baby up and then rushed out the door closing it behind him. "You're that angry that I care?"
Nox stalked over to him. Deadly as a cat and the look in his eyes said he could kill him in a stroke of a moment, but Nox didn't lay a finger on him. He stood there staring into Hayden's eyes, the wheels turning, he didn't know what to say, or how to say it. But he wanted to say something. His eyes flicked to the side and Hayden wished he knew what emotion he'd just turned on, what he wanted to do right in that moment. The anger faded to nothing, no emotion. Cold empty eyes, he was back to his new status quo. And Hayden hated it. "I hate seeing you empty Nox. You are full of life. You have a huge heart. I hate that you've lost that feeling. I know it comes with guilt and nightmares. But this, it's not you, no matter how much you want it to be. I'll take feral over nothing." Hayden's voice cracked, he felt the tears welling up in his eyes. He was pissed and sad and he didn't know what else. But he didn't hide it from Nox.