Lunch Date (Estella Restaurant)

[Natalie Grey]

The afternoon was a respite she’d known she needed, but not truly how much. Moscow had proved a lonely city, in no small part due to her own guard and inability to let things lie. Sooner or later she was aware she’d stumble, and that the mistake could exact its cost from more than her alone. Truthfully the consequences might already be in motion – DeGarmo never showed, and she’d heard nothing after the message to arrange the meeting. It made her wary of the ways she involved the people she cared about in even the shallower aspects of her life, though it wasn’t the only reason for her distance. Her father’s betrayal long ago damaged any sense of trust she had to bestow in those around her. She drew those lines, and knew it even as she did it. The fortress was self-imposed. Purposeful.

With Emily it was surprisingly easy to feel free of it. Not because their lives were the same or because they had particular things in common. Natalie had little interest in the domestication of ordinary life, though she was content to celebrate the milestones of weddings and pregnancy for others. Aaron had talked about it sometimes, late at night when the London flat grew quiet but for the snores of his father passed out in the armchair, and always in terms of the mistakes he’d fix with their own children. She’d let that future wrap around her when he did, but it had always been a fantasy, and not even one she wanted. She just wanted to feel happy. And in those moments of an imagined future they’d never have, she could almost feel it. The security that there was a future. One with both of them in it.

Emily’s friendship reminded her of that feeling. A sense of solidity that wasn’t fair-weather or uncertain. Something that wouldn’t burn or erode or snap, even though for now she continued to treat it carefully. They weren’t on the same paths, but twenty years from now she could still see them here, examining and sharing the joys and grief, the tragedy and triumph, the hopes and fears.

She wasn’t thinking those things at the time, of course. The conversation flowed with a lightness Natalie had almost forgotten she was capable of, and she let herself sink into it free of her usual burdens. It was so easy to become mired in regrets, and such ghosts lingered all around her whether she acknowledged them or not. She thought about Azu and the children often. She thought about the missteps she made in America. The what ifs were cruel, and in the quiet moments when she wasn’t busy with work she replayed them like there was any value in finding a better way in hindsight. It was why she kept busy. Grief was a knot she did not allow to unfurl, could not, as though she believed to let it loosen was to accept what had happened. Emily reminded her it was okay to smile, to breathe, to laugh. And she did it all with Natalie hardly realising she slipped the catch on the release.

It was as they were getting ready to leave her wallet buzzed. She wouldn’t ordinarily have glanced at the screen, even though they were only shrugging into their coats and about to part ways, but there was only one notification she’d set to be allowed to intrude on the afternoon – that being the man who had vacantly kissed her cheek that morning and told her to be good.

I might be in trouble. Probably not too much, but we’ll see. Punched a diplomat in the face. Not my fault it was Matias Amengual.

She showed little reaction but for the fact her expression went still. Emily was too astute not to notice, and Natalie glanced at her before she tapped a quick response: The least of what he deserved probably. Where are you?

The phone slid back in her coat pocket, her mind already catching on the implications. She felt Emily’s hand squeeze light at her shoulder in wordless solidarity. An invitation to unburden that for the briefest moment tipped a scale in Natalie’s chest. But it was complicated, and all snarled up in the ruins of her time in America. What could she say? So she didn’t. But she did reach to squeeze the hand back, and didn’t avoid meeting Emily’s clear-eyed gaze. She wasn’t hiding from the concern, nor did she do the disservice of brushing it off, but for now she would shoulder it alone.

“The next disaster awaits,” she said with a low hum of laughter. There was still a lightness; she hadn’t been caught off guard by whatever she had read. Life in Jay’s vicinity had never been smooth, and while it was another obstacle, it wasn’t one that eclipsed the pleasant afternoon – or the reset it had helped give her. “Tell Rachel she can call any time if she needs to. I’ll see you soon, Em.”

[[Emily modded with permission. Continued at The Price of Questions]]