The Long Way Home

[Jay Carpenter]

Jay didn’t move when Nox leaned in. Not at first. He just stared, chest heaving, blood roaring in his ears like static. His pulse beat out of rhythm, fists twitching at his sides, barely held in check. And when Nox reached for him, gripped the front of his coat with those fingers he remembered far too well, Jay felt something in him snap.

Not break. Not shatter.

Snap.

And then Nox’s mouth was on his, and the world went white.

His mouth crashed into Nox’s in return, fierce and demanding. His hands were already moving. Gripping the sides of that absurd, puffy coat like it was a barricade he had every right to tear down.

His teeth caught Nox’s lip, not gently. A bite. A punishment. A reminder.

This wasn’t forgiveness.

It wasn’t peace.
It was a demand.

A dammit-you’re-a-stupid-son-of-a-bitch kiss.

Jay kissed like he fought. Hard, with his whole body. Like he didn’t know how to hold back. A low growl rumbled in his throat, one hand snapping down to grab the zipper of Nox’s coat, dragging it down with a force that rattled every tooth on the thing. The cold rushed between them for just a second, and then his palm was sliding beneath, across fabric, the splay of ribs, the flare of muscle. His arm looped around Nox’s waist and yanked him in, chest to chest, mouth to mouth, the kiss deepening into something bruising and raw.

He pressed him back against the railing with the full weight of his body, pinning him there. Not violently, but there was no mistaking who was in control.

Jay kissed like he needed to erase everything else. The months of silence, the rejection, the apology that didn’t land. It was all teeth and tongue and rough breath, and still, he didn’t stop. Couldn’t.

This wasn’t reunion.

It wasn’t romance.

It was a reckoning.

His thigh wedged between Nox’s legs, not shy, and Jay devoured the taste of him like he was trying to pull something out of his lungs. Like he was trying to find the answer to every unspoken question inside his mouth.

The railing groaned behind them, metal cold against Nox’s back. Jay didn’t care. It was a flimsy barrier between them and the edge of ruin. Who knew when it would fall away?

His fingers dug into skin beneath the coat. He wanted to feel him. All of him. Every breath, every tremble, every lie and truth and memory stitched beneath the surface.

He didn’t slow. Not yet.
There were no words.

Jay didn’t need them.

His kiss was a threat and a promise

He broke the kiss only for a second, forehead dropping to Nox’s, breath heaving between them. And then, without pause, he claimed his mouth again, harder this time. Rougher. Fiercer.

Desperate.

[Nox]

Nox was not in foreign territory, the slight tinge of violence. The need and desire to let Jay have his way. Nox resisted only enough to make it a challenge for Jay but not enough to be resistant to his manuevering. Though here was hardly the place to finish this. But Nox didn't interrupt he just followed the flow and flicked to a lust filled song Ashton had made. It wasn't passion. Just lust, desire and the need.

Their bodies pressed against the railing. It groaned against his back. He felt the cold icey bar against his back. And the heat on his front.

This was not the place. Nox bit Jay's lip to separate them a little. He wanted a little play, and a fight, Nox could provide some. Nox pulled away and dropped to his knees and looked up at Jay ready and willing. He whispered. "We can do this here. Or we can go someplace a little warmer." Nox didn't live too far from here. And he would bring Jay home. It didn't mean anything if he did, but he wasn't sure Jay would appreciate the company afterwards. There were always places to go. Places that knew him. Though he wasn't exactly sure what Jay wanted. Nox's fingers waited on Jay's waist band for Jay to respond with some indication of what he wanted.

[Jay Carpenter]

Jay felt the shift as Nox dropped to his knees.

The cold bled straight through his coat now, the railing biting like a warning. The metal beneath Nox’s hands, the way he looked up...  ready, open, offering. It should have snapped Jay out of it. Should have sent some pang of guilt or shame or anything.

But all Jay felt was heat.

Not lust, not really. Not love. Just… burn.
Burn behind his ribs.
Burn in his hand.
Burn in the places where silence had taken root and refused to be moved.

His fingers twitched at his sides, the urge to let it happen churning in the pit of his stomach like fire.

But then. Footsteps. A voice. Laughter, distantly slurred, approaching from down the path. Locals, probably. Some of the Carnival’s stragglers perhaps, half-high, fully oblivious. Jay’s body reacted before his brain could.

He pulled Nox up in a sharp, silent motion and murmured, voice low and threaded with breath:
“Warmer.”

No explanation. No apology.

He turned and started walking, returning into the neon fog of the Red Light District, the noise swelling again like a wave crashing around them and sweeping them asunder.

The lights blurred at the edges. The signs pulsed in too-perfect colors. VR dens, synth-shops, dispensaries glowing with digital flames. This part of the city always felt like it had a heartbeat: hot and wrong and thudding under the skin.

He didn’t look back to see if Nox followed. He just moved. 

His hand hurt again. Worse than before. The throbbing now had an edge. A pulse that cut sharper than the clench in his jaw. He flexed it once, twice. Fuck. Either the drug had worn off, or it was doing exactly what it was made to: make you crave another strip.

His eyes flicked down a nearby alley, where a blue-lit kiosk blinked slowly like it recognized him. He could grab another packet. Slide it under his tongue. Just float again. Not think. Not feel.

But he didn’t stop. Not yet.

Because Nox was behind him. And his body still hummed with adrenaline, and something that tasted like fury wearing desire’s clothes.

Jay told himself it wasn’t cheating. What was happening wasn’t Natalie’s. She was light, safety, home.

This was something else. This wasn’t emotion. This was reflex.
This was pressure and release.
A different part of him entirely.

Men, women. It didn’t matter. That was never what any of this was about.

It was about fire in his blood and silence in his skull. It was about not being alone in the one place he was always trying to survive.

He turned a corner, down another corridor of flickering red signage and steam curling from street vents. The city pulsed around him like something half-dead but still breathing.

This was where he belonged tonight.

Here.

With the ache in his hand.
And the ledge always waiting just a step away.

[Nox]

Nox was yanked to his feet and Jay's voice was there but hardly as he wanted to go someplace warmer. But he started walking. He was in control. Nox was happy to follow him but Jay just walked. He walked past one of the places they could stop for a quick fuck. And another. Nox noticed Jay's glance at a med box. While drugs were not his thing he kept things on hand for Oriena. May not be Jay's drugs of choice but he had a variety for her if she came home with him, or he took when he went to see her. It wasn't payment. It was for her enjoyment her needs and desires. Nox left with what he brought and she didn't use. And the drink well that was all hers. He didn't have more than one.

They were a block from Kallisti when Nox grabbed Jay's elbow and tugged him down another alley to the back off his building. He could take Jay to the basement but that would possibly offend him. Hiding him from his life. But taking him to his room would expose him to the life he was building a reminder. There was no win here so Nox pulled open the back door and walked down the dark hall towards the entrance of the building. The offices were empty. Nox didn't look back to see if Jay followed or wondered. He just walked with purpose.

He unzipped his coat and tugged at the sleeves, sheding the puffy coat before they reached the end of the hall. His coat clutched in his mechanical hand as he pulled open the door that lead into the entrance proper. It was time to make that decision and against his initial judgement Nox chose to go up stairs, the door clicked open as he grabbed the handle. Sky was aware of their precense and the lights flicked on to a low position as they walked up the stairs.

Nox glanced at the shoe rack and kept walking. He'd clean the puddles and mud later. Or someone else would thinking it was the kids. The deviation from his routine was a little grating but he kept walking through the living space. It looked lived in, the couch pillows tossed to one side as someone had been lounging watching tv. The game controllers were scattered on the coffee table abandoned to play later. The island separating the kitchen and the living room had a few errant plastic cups. A bottle of wine sat empty near the sink with a few empty glasses.

The girls were probably still at work, and the kids were all upstairs in bed. Except Lily she should be in her bed next to his room. Nox walked down the hall pulling his shirt over his head and and unbuttoning his jeans. Nox pushed the dimmer switch up in his room and tossed his coat and shirt into the computer desk chair by the closed curtains of the balcony double doors.

It wasn't so easy as kicking off his shoes it took some effort to shed the heavy boots. He hated the winter.

Nox waited for Jay to follow him through so he could close and lock the door. His jeans were soaked and Nox started to shiver from the chill and peeled his jeans off. He was naked before Jay entered the room. He was at the other man's mercy, he would be whatever it was he needed. Right now that's all he could give Jay.

[Jay Carpenter]

The sleet hit suddenly. A cold, creeping storm that began as pinpricks of water against Jay’s neck and turned, without warning, into a full-body assault. Icy drops soaked through the seams of his coat and slithered under his collar, leaving trails like knives down his spine. The heat from before - the fire in his chest, the rough kiss, the pressure of Nox’s body against his, it all began to evaporate, steam rising off their skin into the night air.

He almost welcomed it. Let the cold take some of the edge off.

Nox led them away from the alleys, through back doors and dim halls, and Jay followed, shoes wet, shoulders hunched, the ache in his hand now screaming.

If they’d stopped at one of those shadow dens, he’d have let it happen.
If the sleet hadn’t come.
If they hadn’t kept walking.
If they’d stayed in the fantasy.

But now they were moving deeper, and Jay couldn’t shake the growing sense that reality was starting to rise, slow and steady like water creeping under a locked door.

Inside, it was warmer. Dim lighting. Stillness. A place that knew quiet. Jay smelled the trace of real food. Wine. Children, maybe. Something domestic settled in the bones of the space, and it rattled him harder than any kiss ever could.

He peeled off his coat in the entry, water sluicing down his arms, his chest still heaving from the walk, the adrenaline. He kicked off one shoe, then the other, dripping onto the floor, and followed Nox into the belly of a home.

It was unmistakably lived-in. A shoe rack. Game controllers abandoned mid-play. Wine glasses near the sink. Not a den. Not a hideaway.

A life.

Something about it twisted in his gut.

He passed through the rooms like a ghost possessing another man's body, eyes catching on the little signs: the domestic scatter, the rhythm of a place people returned to, not escaped from. Jay felt suddenly felt like an intruder in it. Soaked, heavy, hands still tingling with phantom want. When he reached the doorway of the bedroom, he stopped.

Nox was inside. Naked.

Completely bare, standing with his back half-turned, shedding the last of his wet jeans. There was no seduction in the gesture. Just resignation. Just… offering.

Jay stared at him.

The light from the hallway caught the scars on Nox’s body. New ones. Jagged. Faint. Marks of survival, not pride.

And Jay could see the way he held himself. Not sensual. Not cocky. Willing. And in that willingness, Jay saw desperation. Submission. Apology wrapped in flesh.

His hand pulsed with pain. Worse than before. Of course the drug had been a trick: a high followed by a crash, a pull to want more. He wanted to go back out there and buy three more strips, stick them under his tongue and never feel again.

But instead, he stood in that threshold, not moving. Because his mind was filled with flashes:

He imagined stepping forward. Unzipping. Letting Nox take him into his mouth like he’d offered earlier in the street. It wouldn’t be sex, not really. It would be release. A favor. A relief. A payment. And no, not cheating. Natalie was something different. She was light. Home. A place without blood and pain. This wasn’t that.

He imagined yanking Nox to the bed, forcing him down, fucking him until his body trembled and begged. Not for pleasure, but as penance. A punishment. For the silence. For the goodbye. For the fact that Jay still wanted to see him after everything.

He imagined waking up afterward, sweaty, half-sick, and telling Nox everything about Mexico, about the blood, the screams, the bodies that wore his family’s face and the nightmares that still scraped behind his eyes. He imagined opening up and being seen.

And then he imagined something worse.

He imagined Nox making breakfast. He imagined someone else in that kitchen. He imagined a child’s laugh. Another body in that bed when Jay wasn’t here. He imagined a life Nox was already living.

One Jay had no place in.

His breath caught. His body burned. And he didn’t move. Nox turned slightly, waiting. Still silent. Still open. And in that stillness, Jay understood.

He wasn’t angry anymore. Not really.

He’d pictured it. Pictured everything. Dominating him. Using him. Forgiving him. Fucking him. And the imagining had been enough. In some twisted way, Nox offering was the repayment. The opposite of rejection; acceptance, invitation, and desire had settled the debt.

He didn’t step forward.
He didn’t step back.
He just said, voice barely audible, low and ragged: 
“…It's alright. I forgive you.”

[Nox]

The low voice of his friend spoke from the still open door. He didn't move. He didn't come in and he didn't leave just stood with the door wide open with a house full of children who had a propensity to joining him in his bed at night. "You can't stand there while I'm butt ass naked in a house full of minors." He grabbed Jay and pulled him inside against him while he closed the door behind Jay and locked it.

He was soaking wet, the coat kept most of the wet away and he was still chilled to the bone, he looked in pain. If Jay said he he didn't want more he would stop but Nox was pretty sure he was just feeling that he was not welcome in his life. That the domestic life wasn't his. Nox wasn't asking for that, wasn't even offering it.

Nox stared in Jay's eyes and gave him a wry smile. Though it didn't reach his eyes. There was no humor or joy in his body, just want and need, lust and desire, the song still hummed in his ear. "This isn't whatever you think it is. Thanks for the forgiveness but the offer still stands." Nox pressed a hard kiss to Jay's lips, though he didn't push, and he'd pull back if Jay didn't reciprocate the kiss in return. "I have some vodka and not quite legal drugs if you need the pain relief." Nox whispered. "And I think a hot shower might alleviate the rest. If you'd like to join me."

Nox pulled away and left Jay standing in his room with dim lights and grabbed the gun and knife that were sitting on the chair waiting then he walked to the bed side stand and pulled lube and condoms out and tossed them on the bed. Willing and wanting. and then he crouched down and spoke softly. "Sky I need the gun safe open."

Nox put the gun and knife in the safe and pulled out the vodka and drugs he stashed for Ori and set them on the bed stand. Nox didn't grab anything as he headed into the bathroom and turned on the hot water. Jay could join him or not. He told himself it wouldn't be rejection if he left but he knew it would hurt.

[Jay Carpenter]

Jay barely had time to react before Nox’s hand closed around his arm and tugged him fully into the room. The door shut with a quiet, decisive click behind him. The lock turned.

Then-warm breath, bare skin, slick with rain and newfound warmth.

Jay stumbled forward. Chest to chest again (er, shirt-to-chest), and it was all too familiar. The pressure, the scent, the quiet thrum of want that pulsed between their bodies like a third heartbeat. He could still taste their last kiss. The one Nox had just pressed to his mouth was harder, hungrier. Jay returned it without thinking, lips parting in instinct, the heat in his stomach spiking like a matchstrike. 

God, it would be easy. One more step. One shrug of his shirt. One answer. And it would all happen. But then-
The bed.

Jay’s eyes flicked to it as Nox moved away. As if it had suddenly appeared. Not just the bed, but the things on it. A bottle of lube. Condoms. A casual toss of invitation. A setup at the ready. And beside them-

A gun. A knife. A safe. Vodka. Drugs.
Nox moved through the motions like they were nothing. Like this was normal. And maybe for him it was. But Jay’s gut turned.

Not because of the weapons. Not because of the offer. Because of the house. The cluttered tabletop. The lived-in disarray. The faint sounds elsewhere.

And the words Nox had just said. About minors. ‘There are children here.’  That registered hard. Sharper than the pain in his hand.

Jay’s eyes swept the space again. The closed door behind him, picturing what lay beyond it: the shoe rack. Something small and plush half-hidden under a chair like a child had dropped it. The reality hit like the sleet pelting the glass.

This wasn’t the haze of the Red Light District anymore. It wasn’t the riverbank.
This wasn’t the fantasy. This was real. Too real.

Nox disappeared into the bathroom. The sound of water started. A low, rising hiss, hot and heavy. Steam began to curl from the cracked doorway, carrying temptation. Besides that, Nox was right. A shower sounded good.

Jay stood frozen, body still soaked, hand aching, heart somewhere between his throat and his feet.

He stared at the bed. The weapons gone now. Just the condoms. The vodka. The warmth of the light, and the soft rhythm of something he didn’t belong in remained.

He almost pulled off his shirt. Almost dropped his pants. Almost Stepped into that bathroom, pressing Nox to the tile, jerking each other off until they both forgot everything.

But he also imagined Natalie, brushing her teeth in the mirror at home, not knowing. Not even suspecting. He imagined going home to her smelling like someone else, sweat, vodka and mint-sweet drugs. Telling her nothing. Or telling her everything. Who knew what stupid thing he'd do?

He imagined staying the night here. Waking up. Finding Nox in the kitchen making coffee. A child peeking in from a hallway.

He wanted to throw up.
This isn’t you, something inside him whispered. This isn’t you.
How do you know? He argued back.

He turned from the door. Because the pain was spreading. From his hand into his bones. And moved quietly, like he was slipping out of his own skin, and slipped out the bedroom, searching for where he’d dropped his things.

[Nox]

Nox heard the door open and knew Jay was leaving. Whatever ran through his head had won. Nox sighed and climbed into the shower. He wasn't going to chase Jay, the offer was given. He should go. But maybe it was better for them both. Nox wasn't sure he was ready to give up on hope yet either. Nox turned the hot water higher and stepped into the scalding water. The pain would be better than the numbness that permeated his body.

---

Liam Wilson

Sky had let everyone know Nox was bringing someone home, and they all moved upstairs. It wasn't often Nox brought anyone other than Oriena or Hayden home, so someone new was important to not scare them. Even if it were Ori they'd scatter too.

When the door shut behind them Liam crept back down stairs to finish his game. Nox's song was still on lust filled desire and he smirked knowingly. The TV was low but the game was violent and the controller vibrated in his hand.

When the door opened and the shower was running Liam didn't have time to scatter before the unknown figure crept out of Nox's room looking for his things. Liam frowned. It wouldn't bother Nox, he couldn't feel the rejection at least not fully. Though maybe he would "You're things are over on the rack drying."

Liam wanted to be an asshole. Slipping into the night before the sex is a new one. He wanted to add, Don't worry we'll pick up the pieces after your gone. But he didn't. He just nodded towards the jacket and shoes. "Just picking up things so Nox didn't freak out when he came out later. We can run your clothes through the dryer if you stayed so you don't freeze out there. Nox doesn't need to know you stayed to do that."

[Jay Carpenter]

Jay nearly jumped when the voice cut through the hallway. He turned sharply, heart kicking once in his chest, and found himself face to face with... what the hell? A teenager.

Lanky, shaggy-haired, maybe seventeen or eighteen at most. Standing casually near the end of the hall, controller still in hand, face lit faintly by the glow of a paused game. Jay blinked. For a second, he thought he’d imagined it.

But no. There he was. Real. Unbothered. Like this wasn’t the first time he’d caught some half-dressed stranger sneaking in or out of Nox’s room. The kid pointed toward the drying rack like it was routine. Offered a dryer. Offered cover.

Jay just stared at him for a second, stunned into silence.
“Jesus,” he muttered, more to himself than anyone else. “There’s really kids here.”

He crouched by the shoe rack and began pulling his boots on, but the fingers were stiff. His hand didn't want to tie the laces, cold and wet, biting into his knuckles with every tug. Good. He deserved it.

“That's, uh… helpful,” he said, without looking up, voice raw but not unkind. “Figured someone would throw a shoe at me not dry them off.”

The second boot stuck halfway and he yanked it roughly, jaw tight. “But, uh. Nah. I’m good,” he added, finishing the knot. He stood, slowly. The wet coat hanging like a weight across his shoulders.

“Tell him…” Jay hesitated, then shook his head with a faint huff of breath. “Tell him Jay said.. Actually, don’t. Doesn’t matter.”

He looked at the kid again, and something in his expression shifted, just slightly. The absurdity of it all. "Tell him I'll text him."

[Nox]

Liam Wilson

Liam wanted to be an asshole, but he couldn't. Nox wouldn't bring someone home unless he trusted them. "Nox doesn't bring home his temporary friends so we wouldn't throw things at you. It does matter, whatever you think doesn't. It does. You wanted to say something, but I'll tell him you'll text him. I just hope that isn't a line you tell all the guys." A noise behind him made him turn around.

Nox stood in the hall wearing just a towel. He spoke loudly. "Sky unblock Jay's number so he can leave that text."

Liam's eyebrows rose and he put the controller down and slipped up the stairs. He didn't want any part of it.

---

Nox stayed in the shower long enough to think he didn't want to leave it like that. He turned off the water and grabbed a towel and was mostly dry before he made it to the bedroom door and wrapped the towel around his waist. Liam had come back down to play his game. Nox rolled his eyes but he heard Jay say he'd text him.

Nox watched Liam rush up stairs. "I guess I should have taken you downstairs instead of through the house. Maybe you would have stayed." His voice was numb, he took the ear buds and lens warriors out in the shower. There was nothing in his ear. "I'm sure Liam told you he could dry your clothes. His offer stands. You can stay. I'll get dressed. I can get lost either way. You can have a drink while you wait. But at least let me call you a cab so you aren't out in the cold wet." Nox spoke to Sky. "Sky, call Jay a car. Don't let him out of the building until it arrives."

"Car will be here in ten minutes."

"Thank you." Nox went over to the bar and pulled out a glass and an american whiskey Jay might like from back home. And put them on the island. He then went back to his room to get into dry clean clothes.