[The Garden] Praeceptor of the Reliquiae

[Jay Carpenter]

Jay didn’t pull away from Nox’s hand. The tears didn’t stop either.

They slid down his face in slow, burning tracks like sweat in the desert. He didn’t wipe them away. Didn’t bother to blink them back. Let them fall. Let the cold air take them. He stood there with his feet planted, shoulders squared, jaw locked so tight it ached, like the tension alone could keep his bones from shaking.

Nearby, the gate waited. The car idled. Soldiers watched like they were two bullseyes in their sights.

“I’m not mad,” Jay said. His voice was cut glass, but steady enough to keep from collapsing.

Another tear slipped free. Then another. His fists clenched at his sides until the tendons stood tight, white-hot pressure keeping him from falling into the grave he imagined digging for himself. He glanced toward the soldiers, watching them in turn, daring them to invade this vulnerable moment, then back to Nox. 

“I can’t go with you,” he said, meeting his gaze, voice gravel. “I’m on duty. But I’m not asking you to stay either. I just wanted you to know I’m drowning.” His chest rose and fell once.

“I’ve been waiting to do it. I don’t know why.” He stepped back then. Just half a step. Just enough to reclaim some space without slamming the door. The tears were still coming. Silent and relentless.

“That’s all,” Jay said softly. “I just wanted you to hear me.”

[Nox]

Jay took a step back. It took everything in him not to take it as a rejection but this wasn't about him. Nox knew about drowning and about losing it and waiting and not having a reason. He knew all of it. He'd lived it -- he was still living it. He took a deep breath and nodded. "I'm listening now, Jay." He pulled out his wallet, sent Jay a text. "I'm listening now. Any time. Any hour. I'm here. Don't do it. Call me. I'm here."

Nox wanted to be an asshole. He wanted to tell Jay how much shit he'd had to deal with because of a fucking kiss. But what did it matter now. Raffe didn't want to be part of his life. It didn't matter that he'd fucked shit up with Jay to stem issues with Raffe and it hadn't done shit -- other than fuck with his relationship with Jay. Fury still bubbled below the surface but Nox put it aside. His friend mattered more.

[Jay Carpenter]

A low buzz tingled in his breast pocket. The message hummed against his chest, muffled by the lining of his coat, close enough to feel over his heart. Just stood there, eyes forward, jaw tight. But watching Nox send the message loosened something. One of the screws buried so deep in his skull it might as well have been the bullet he kept imagining.

He couldn’t say thanks. The words just weren’t there. But he nodded. Once.

The swallow that followed was dry, caught halfway down. He was out of language. Out of ways to speak what sat rotting in his soul. So he said nothing.

[Nox]

Jay looked like he wanted to go, he wasn't sure if it was to flee him or just the emotions or whatever it was. "I know you have to get back. We can talk. I'll make time. Just text me when it's good for you. And I'll be there."

He wanted to reach out and wipe the tears away -- but he wasn't Jay's boyfriend -- he wasn't even sure if they were still friends. It had felt final before -- now, it felt tight. Not in a good way, strained -- stretched. Something that could snap any moment but was still there. Still able to come back from it.

Nox took a step back with a nodded. "Anytime Jay." And he meant it.

Nox turned around and walked towards the car waiting but he didn't take it. He knew it was a long walk back to the Red Light District. But he didn't care. He had to burn off the fury that still bubbled below his exterior. He'd not been an afterthought, but again, Jay's problems took precedence -- It was Jay. He couldn't say no. He couldn't... He walked. There wasn't much else he could do right now. Oriena was right.