Missing You

[Rachel Shale]

Rachel was getting lost in the sensations. Cruz’s touch sent shivers through her. Her need filled and coursed through her. Their bodies writhed together, slick with sweat. She could sense the change in Cruz, sense that he was close. She wasn’t quite there yet. She desperately wished for him to hold on just a little longer.

Cruz did not. There was disappointment in that, even if she understood. Still, she could finish - even if it wasn’t the way she wanted to. Hopefully Cruz would be amenable to that - and she’d have no problem guiding him. ”Im so close,” she said, her breathing still heavy. She held Cruz’s head to her chest. He’d be able to feel her breathing - maybe even hear her pounding heart. ”I need more - so close - just a little more - please.” there was an urgency to her words - her need driving her to want more.

[Cruz]

Cruz was aware he was that guy but he helped Rachel to the finish line, his mouth doing what he couldn't otherwise do before. It wasn't the perfect end to a perfect night but it would have to do.

He kissed his way up her and cradled her face as he kissed. "Sorry."

[Rachel Shale]

Rachel pulled him back down to kiss her, still catching her breath. ”No need to apologize. It was fun and it felt good. We must do it again sometime.” she gave him a grin.

She pushed him to the side, rolling him so he lay on his back on the bed. She kissed his chest and removed the condom before standing up. ”Ill be right back. Gonna get cleaned up,” she discarded the used condom and walked to the bathroom, hoping his eyes followed her all the way there. She cleaned herself and brought back a towel to clean Cruz off as well.

She didn’t get dressed. She didn’t want to, so after she finished, she climbed in the bed next to him, wrapping an arm around his body and resting her head on his string chest. She sighed in contentment, all thoughts of the strange women outside her memories.

[Cruz]

Cruz was grateful that Rachel was forgiving and that there was still some banter left. He watched her walk away and watched her walk back thankful for the lights streaming in to their window from outside.

It was nice and sweet the afterwards. Cruz held Rachel to his chest and ran his fingers up an down her back. It was good. The itch for his ultimate desire still fluttered about. The flower girls had just sparked that desire more. He didn't want them, but what they had offered.

In his half dazed state from the comfort of the hotel bed and the warm body beside him his mind wandered and he asked Rachel. "Have you ever been truly afraid? Like scared for you life, afraid." His voice was low and drowsy and he wasn't exactly 100% awake as he asked.

[Rachel Shale]

Rachel was content to lay next to Cruz. He was warm, a complete contrast to the cold outside. She could easily allow herself to drift off, but she wasn’t tired. The excitement of what had happened filled her with energy. Cruz seemed to be the opposite - awake but drifting off. That was okay with her.

Cruz’s question caught her off guard. It was just an unusual question, and she wonder what brought it up. Fear wasn’t an emotion she was really used to. Of course she had been afraid before. She had even been a little scared of having sex tonight, but the fear that Cruz spoke of - it was a primal thing - a survival instinct. Rachel had grown up in a life of privilege. She doubted that she knew what fear truly was.

”No,” she said, a finger absentmindedly drawing on his chest. ”Have you? Is everything okay?” she asked. The only reason Rachel could think of for the question was that something was bothering Cruz.

[Cruz]

Cruz heard the concern in Rachel's voice. "Everything's fine." He shifted to hold her tighter against him. "I have. A couple times. I went out with my roommates." Cruz didn't even remember if he'd gone out with his roommates the night he'd met the girls they'd seen down stairs. "Got a bit too wasted and swear something -- one of Nox's monsters was there. It's all a blur, but the fear was so intense." Cruz left out the parts that he had used P. Or that he'd been seeking drugs at all. All college kids drank and experimented and he'd leave it at that.

Cruz tightened his grip on Rachel and the circles he drew on her back slowed. "I'd never felt so alive. This was glorious and don't get me wrong it was intense and amazing and... Cruz didn't have the words to describe what sex had been like with Rachel. "But that fear... It's something I can't shake." He chased the fear. He chased after the Cam and 'Sis. He chased the carnival attraction and nothing felt as strong as that night -- nothing was as good as that night. He wasn't afraid of the fear, he wanted more. Longed for the pure primal emotion. It was better than any other feeling. It was probably the P talking but Cruz longed for the fear.

[Rachel Shale]

Rachel listened, her therapy training kicking in as she did. It wasn’t something she did consciously. She was just listening for anything that might indicate that something was wrong. Cruz said everything was fine. Rachel wasn’t sure he was being honest when he said so.  He referenced Nox, and Rachel didn’t know him well. But she knew he’d slept with her sister and left in the middle of the night. She also knew monsters were real. Emily had once mentioned a vampire.

There was more he wasn’t telling her. Rachel knew that, but she didn’t push. But she was concerned. Fear wasn’t a bad thing. It was a survival mechanism, but Cruz seemed to want it, and that made her scared for him. She had heard of adrenaline junkies - people who did dangerous stuff for the thrill of it, but it was more than that. It was a need. The way Cruz described fear and how he wanted it. It sounded like drug.

Rachel remained silent for awhile. Something inside her gut wrenching. She wasn’t sure what it meant. She wasn’t sure what upset her about what Cruz had said, but she did know she was concerned and she was unable to keep it out of her voice as she said. ”I don’t understand. Why would you want to be afraid like that?@

[Cruz]

Cruz really didn't have an answer. He just shrugged. "I don't know. It's not normal. I understand that. Just..." Just it was there. It was a need, like he needed air.

And it all had something to do with Zeke in some round about sort of way. That fucking coin that lay on the couch in his coat pocket. "It's just an itch that can't be scratched. This was amazing yet that buzz inside me has only gotten louder." He knew what that meant. It wasn't withdrawal but it definitely was signs of addiction. And he wasn't sure to what it really was he was jonesing for.

[Rachel Shale]

Rachel listened and didn’t speak for awhile afterwards. The truth was, his words not only stoked her concern. They hurt. Cruz didn’t outright say it. He didn’t even tell her that he hadn’t had a good time. He said it had been amazing. It just hadn’t been enough. She hadn’t been enough. There was no way to say that and not hurt someone.

Rachel wasn’t sure what to do about that. Options offered themselves up. She didn’t think Cruz had wanted to hurt her. She wasn’t even sure if he realized that his comment had been hurtful. Part of her wanted to get mad and yell, but she couldn’t. Another part wanted her to just get up, tell him how hurtful that was and walk out. Yet another part wanted to hold on to this and not let go. She couldn’t think clearly.

”Im going to take a shower,” she said, not really choosing either. She was upset and there was some of that in her voice as she said it. It was a way for her to buy time to think. She collected her clothes and headed into the shower to figure out what it was she wanted to do.

[Cruz]

He'd upset Rachel. He hadn't meant to. Cruz knew that his drowsy mouth had gotten him into hot water, but then again he knew it wouldn't last.

Cruz wasn't an asshole. He told himself that. She took a shower, that likely meant they were done for the night -- if not for a while. The way she left made him feel horrible. But he couldn't fix anything that he'd said and he wouldn't apologize for it, he hadn't done anything wrong. He told her how he felt regardless of what it made her feel.

They were both valid.

Cruz found his clothes and pulled on his pants and shirt but he didn't button it, it hung open over his chest as he sat back down on the rumbled bed and turned the coin he'd kept with him at all times in his hands. He should feel worse. Should apologize, and he hated that this might be the way it ended, after a wonderful night, but he wasn't the same person he was when they met. And he wasn't likely to fall back into the pampered rich kid with no hard edges.

He just sat there flipping the coin in his fingers waiting for Rachel to return. Whatever she was doing or thinking she'd tell him. But he didn't think it would be good.