What Now?

[Nox]

The anger in her voice made Nox pause. It was different than her usual tone. More finite, more fragile. The wrong thing would end things before they began. Her hand at his throat was oddly intimate, different than before. Not about pain or more the control of things. She was always in control even if he pretended otherwise. And the truth was it was the way they both preferred it. Nox flicked his eyes and the song ended. She didn't like him without the horde, didn't really want more when it was just him, but he gave her what she wanted. He'd always do that.

Nox stared back into the fury in her eyes. He might have flinched if he felt the fire, but it just glanced off the emptiness. But he saw into her as much as she saw into him. The emptiness was strange yet with Oriena that was more. Much like there was with Lily on his chest. She was not the love of his life, she wasn't even a close tenth. She was his friend. She was family. But more importantly Oriena knew his truth. Everything about him she could know. A best friend in a strange way. It wasn't completely empty as he leaned forward and pressed a gentler kiss to Oriena's lips. It wasn't fueld by the anger, the horde, or anything more than what he felt what little he could feel.

Oriena never wanted fake. He knew it. But there was a tinge of fear that even reality might push her away. But he kissed her, touched her in ways he hadn't done before -- softer, gentler. He wanted to show her she mattered in this moment. She mattered to him -- always.

[Oriena]

She was half expecting Nox to offer a useless explanation, but he didn’t say anything at all. Beyond that brief thought, Oriena wasn’t actually sure what she wanted from him; not sex necessarily, but intimacy of the finite kind – a moment she didn’t have to explain or fight for, that could just exist in the now. To sit in silence even. She certainly didn’t want to talk. They were broken pieces, rough-edged, and they did not belong together. But they understood the shape of the other nonetheless, and if she might not ever admit it, she had come to value it.

His kiss wasn’t the sort she would have accepted from him usually. Not that Oriena was completely without softness, but that had never been a part of their connection – she’d nearly always spurned kindness from him, else outright scorned at the effort he wasted on her. On some level she was aware that he would do whatever he thought would please her, now and probably always; it was who he was, who he had always been beneath the horde’s infection. She’d hated it primarily because it dispelled the illusion, and now that was gone anyway.

For a moment she was quite still against him, for once prepared to give him the space to decide what he wanted without her sharp-eyed judgement finding him ever wanting. His reasons didn’t matter. Then she kissed him back, not like a battlefield, and not with the anger she had been suffused with only moments before. She was doused, feeling the exhaustion of her body’s toils rather than the pain that usually promised her she was still alive. If he was giving then right now she wanted something simpler, more imperfectly human. Not tender, exactly. But a refuge.

There was still an emptiness to him, but Ori wasn’t looking for a lover’s connection, and she had no heart to break. She accepted it for what it was because he gave whatever was left freely enough, even if it was broken. For now she forgot about it entirely – neither of them were here to solve their problems or be one another’s answer. In the strange loophole of their relationship she allowed something close to affection in with the pleasure, or familiar possession anyway; the kind you didn’t find with a stranger. He didn’t fight her for the lead, which she took naturally rather than with the sort of force they usually played games with. Nox didn’t need to think or dwell on what was lost, and for that matter neither did she.

Afterwards she made no effort to vacate the shitty motel blankets. It was a different kind of satiation, and naturally left her in a different kind of mood. For now, she didn’t say anything.

[Nox]

It was different. Relatable. Almost loving. As loving as Oriena ever got with anyone he assumed. She was a hard woman. Always fighting. This day there was no fight just the calm of each other finding solace in the other. And as his heart raced and his body stilled from release he lie there. There was pleasure in the feeling. There was joy and contentment. It lasted as long as he kept his eyes closed and let it linger on his skin. But it would be gone the moment he opened his eyes.

Oriena lay next to him, content to remain where she was. In prior sessions, the horde was always hungry afterwards. He wasn't terribly famished though he could eat. He could order something to eat, he wanted to offer but he was afraid the sound of his voice would break the spell. It was a tenuous moment. Nox had seen, felt Oriena vulnerable. Calling attention to it would end their interaction. Speaking could do that.

She was a life line he hadn't realized he'd clung to. With Raffe gone, she'd been what kept him afloat. And now the horde was gone. He was empty. He had family and friends and a life outside of her and this world. But he didn't want to lose her. It wasn't love. It wasn't desire. It was something else entirely. There were strings but it wasn't related to sex or love or romance. He couldn't tell you what it was if you asked, but it was there, he knew it.

The room was quiet except for their breath. But the silence would be broken and he chuckled softly to himself. "Maybe losing the horde and my ability to channel taught me when to shut up. Before I'd probably want to talk. I could order food if you were hungry. Or I could shut up more and lie here till you wanted to go."

[Oriena]

Oriena’s thoughts were a quiet stream, pleasantly slow, and hazy in the same way she usually found with drugs and alcohol. It was the best way to force herself to think about the things she didn’t want to think about, when the bite and sting of truth was diluted and it was more like looking in on someone else’s life. Undisturbed, she might have allowed herself to fall asleep once the contemplations ran their course. The warmth of release faded, and the ache of exhaustion pulled her down in its place. Nox was surprisingly quiet. There was no lingering affection, and aside from the fact they shared the same bed, she wasn’t laying close. She didn’t crave any more than what they had given each other already, and what was left was just a comfortable presence.

In the past she was largely absent from his post coital routines, either literally because she left, or because she paid little attention afterwards to what he did or didn’t do. One hunger always bled fast into another, and he had other itches to scratch in order to keep the horde subdued. She was just one outlet. And not that she’d given it any prior thought, but it didn’t occur to her that this time would be different. That now the only monster he might want to keep subdued was her.

The moment he opened his mouth she was aware he was beginning his usual tiptoe around her, navigating her reactions like a ship over hidden rocks, but today it wasn’t a game worth playing and she didn’t bother to remark on it. Whatever her response she knew it would draw nothing from him, so if she was in the mood for being alone she would have just left. She shifted, suppressing the wince that for once had nothing to do with their ministrations, and pillowed her head under her arms.

“Sure,” she said, not bothering to qualify which of his offers she was taking up beyond the slyest twitch of a smirk. Her eyes were still half lidded, though she was looking at him, not sleeping. Ironically, she might have actually listened had he talked. For a while anyway; she didn’t have a great deal of patience for other people’s problems, and Nox’s were usually the emotional sort.

[Nox]

Nox blinked at Oriena's answer. He wasn't sure which one she had agreed to -- or both. He wasn't surprised she didn't acknowledge his prior quip but he sat up the blankets pooling around his waist. There was nothing bashful in him but there was a disturbance of his self being with the new scars. It wasn't that he was ashamed. Mostly just saddened that they made moving more difficult. He was moving easier each day, but it was just as much work to get back to where he was, as it was to maintain what he had earned. It was a never ending cycle.

It was in silence that Nox slide out of bed and searched his clothes for the wallet. He could have just spoke aloud to have Sky order food, she was always listening much like he had depended on Wicked before. Sage had created her just for that purpose. Not that Nox still didn't just talk to Wicked over his phone like usual, but the mundane and banal things Sky could handle.

Nox sat back down on the edge of the bed and leaned his elbows on his knees staring at the floor. His mind way not feel anything, but it was always moving, always thinking.

He sighed. Oriena was never one he talked to, she hated listening and would leave. But she was the only one who might even understand anything. He wasn't looking for answers. And he was afraid of saying what was on his mind out loud. Saying it might mean it was over. Maybe that's why it escaped his lips in a low stagnant voice. No emotion filled his voice. It was the new normal. "I don't think Raffe and I were ever on the same page." He didn't elaborate. Didn't say more though he thought about when he'd asked Raffe to look for a place with him. How there was no excitement to his lovers responses, how he said "we'll see what you find." Nox had chased Raffe until Raffe gave in.

Nox let out a long low sigh and closed his eyes. The feelings were fleeting. He tried to hang on to the love and the joy. But nothing ever stayed. It was empty, not worth living, but he'd made a promise. He made many promises, and he broke one that ruined his life... he couldn't break any others. What else did he have to offer.

Nox didn't bother asking Oriena what she'd want. He knew enough of her preferences to order. Though he didn't quite order what he would have in prior encounters. His choices were much healthier and much less in quantity.