What Now?

[Nox]

The anger in her voice made Nox pause. It was different than her usual tone. More finite, more fragile. The wrong thing would end things before they began. Her hand at his throat was oddly intimate, different than before. Not about pain or more the control of things. She was always in control even if he pretended otherwise. And the truth was it was the way they both preferred it. Nox flicked his eyes and the song ended. She didn't like him without the horde, didn't really want more when it was just him, but he gave her what she wanted. He'd always do that.

Nox stared back into the fury in her eyes. He might have flinched if he felt the fire, but it just glanced off the emptiness. But he saw into her as much as she saw into him. The emptiness was strange yet with Oriena that was more. Much like there was with Lily on his chest. She was not the love of his life, she wasn't even a close tenth. She was his friend. She was family. But more importantly Oriena knew his truth. Everything about him she could know. A best friend in a strange way. It wasn't completely empty as he leaned forward and pressed a gentler kiss to Oriena's lips. It wasn't fueld by the anger, the horde, or anything more than what he felt what little he could feel.

Oriena never wanted fake. He knew it. But there was a tinge of fear that even reality might push her away. But he kissed her, touched her in ways he hadn't done before -- softer, gentler. He wanted to show her she mattered in this moment. She mattered to him -- always.

[Oriena]

She was half expecting Nox to offer a useless explanation, but he didn’t say anything at all. Beyond that brief thought, Oriena wasn’t actually sure what she wanted from him; not sex necessarily, but intimacy of the finite kind – a moment she didn’t have to explain or fight for, that could just exist in the now. To sit in silence even. She certainly didn’t want to talk. They were broken pieces, rough-edged, and they did not belong together. But they understood the shape of the other nonetheless, and if she might not ever admit it, she had come to value it.

His kiss wasn’t the sort she would have accepted from him usually. Not that Oriena was completely without softness, but that had never been a part of their connection – she’d nearly always spurned kindness from him, else outright scorned at the effort he wasted on her. On some level she was aware that he would do whatever he thought would please her, now and probably always; it was who he was, who he had always been beneath the horde’s infection. She’d hated it primarily because it dispelled the illusion, and now that was gone anyway.

For a moment she was quite still against him, for once prepared to give him the space to decide what he wanted without her sharp-eyed judgement finding him ever wanting. His reasons didn’t matter. Then she kissed him back, not like a battlefield, and not with the anger she had been suffused with only moments before. She was doused, feeling the exhaustion of her body’s toils rather than the pain that usually promised her she was still alive. If he was giving then right now she wanted something simpler, more imperfectly human. Not tender, exactly. But a refuge.

There was still an emptiness to him, but Ori wasn’t looking for a lover’s connection, and she had no heart to break. She accepted it for what it was because he gave whatever was left freely enough, even if it was broken. For now she forgot about it entirely – neither of them were here to solve their problems or be one another’s answer. In the strange loophole of their relationship she allowed something close to affection in with the pleasure, or familiar possession anyway; the kind you didn’t find with a stranger. He didn’t fight her for the lead, which she took naturally rather than with the sort of force they usually played games with. Nox didn’t need to think or dwell on what was lost, and for that matter neither did she.

Afterwards she made no effort to vacate the shitty motel blankets. It was a different kind of satiation, and naturally left her in a different kind of mood. For now, she didn’t say anything.

[Nox]

It was different. Relatable. Almost loving. As loving as Oriena ever got with anyone he assumed. She was a hard woman. Always fighting. This day there was no fight just the calm of each other finding solace in the other. And as his heart raced and his body stilled from release he lie there. There was pleasure in the feeling. There was joy and contentment. It lasted as long as he kept his eyes closed and let it linger on his skin. But it would be gone the moment he opened his eyes.

Oriena lay next to him, content to remain where she was. In prior sessions, the horde was always hungry afterwards. He wasn't terribly famished though he could eat. He could order something to eat, he wanted to offer but he was afraid the sound of his voice would break the spell. It was a tenuous moment. Nox had seen, felt Oriena vulnerable. Calling attention to it would end their interaction. Speaking could do that.

She was a life line he hadn't realized he'd clung to. With Raffe gone, she'd been what kept him afloat. And now the horde was gone. He was empty. He had family and friends and a life outside of her and this world. But he didn't want to lose her. It wasn't love. It wasn't desire. It was something else entirely. There were strings but it wasn't related to sex or love or romance. He couldn't tell you what it was if you asked, but it was there, he knew it.

The room was quiet except for their breath. But the silence would be broken and he chuckled softly to himself. "Maybe losing the horde and my ability to channel taught me when to shut up. Before I'd probably want to talk. I could order food if you were hungry. Or I could shut up more and lie here till you wanted to go."

[Oriena]

Oriena’s thoughts were a quiet stream, pleasantly slow, and hazy in the same way she usually found with drugs and alcohol. It was the best way to force herself to think about the things she didn’t want to think about, when the bite and sting of truth was diluted and it was more like looking in on someone else’s life. Undisturbed, she might have allowed herself to fall asleep once the contemplations ran their course. The warmth of release faded, and the ache of exhaustion pulled her down in its place. Nox was surprisingly quiet. There was no lingering affection, and aside from the fact they shared the same bed, she wasn’t laying close. She didn’t crave any more than what they had given each other already, and what was left was just a comfortable presence.

In the past she was largely absent from his post coital routines, either literally because she left, or because she paid little attention afterwards to what he did or didn’t do. One hunger always bled fast into another, and he had other itches to scratch in order to keep the horde subdued. She was just one outlet. And not that she’d given it any prior thought, but it didn’t occur to her that this time would be different. That now the only monster he might want to keep subdued was her.

The moment he opened his mouth she was aware he was beginning his usual tiptoe around her, navigating her reactions like a ship over hidden rocks, but today it wasn’t a game worth playing and she didn’t bother to remark on it. Whatever her response she knew it would draw nothing from him, so if she was in the mood for being alone she would have just left. She shifted, suppressing the wince that for once had nothing to do with their ministrations, and pillowed her head under her arms.

“Sure,” she said, not bothering to qualify which of his offers she was taking up beyond the slyest twitch of a smirk. Her eyes were still half lidded, though she was looking at him, not sleeping. Ironically, she might have actually listened had he talked. For a while anyway; she didn’t have a great deal of patience for other people’s problems, and Nox’s were usually the emotional sort.

[Nox]

Nox blinked at Oriena's answer. He wasn't sure which one she had agreed to -- or both. He wasn't surprised she didn't acknowledge his prior quip but he sat up the blankets pooling around his waist. There was nothing bashful in him but there was a disturbance of his self being with the new scars. It wasn't that he was ashamed. Mostly just saddened that they made moving more difficult. He was moving easier each day, but it was just as much work to get back to where he was, as it was to maintain what he had earned. It was a never ending cycle.

It was in silence that Nox slide out of bed and searched his clothes for the wallet. He could have just spoke aloud to have Sky order food, she was always listening much like he had depended on Wicked before. Sage had created her just for that purpose. Not that Nox still didn't just talk to Wicked over his phone like usual, but the mundane and banal things Sky could handle.

Nox sat back down on the edge of the bed and leaned his elbows on his knees staring at the floor. His mind way not feel anything, but it was always moving, always thinking.

He sighed. Oriena was never one he talked to, she hated listening and would leave. But she was the only one who might even understand anything. He wasn't looking for answers. And he was afraid of saying what was on his mind out loud. Saying it might mean it was over. Maybe that's why it escaped his lips in a low stagnant voice. No emotion filled his voice. It was the new normal. "I don't think Raffe and I were ever on the same page." He didn't elaborate. Didn't say more though he thought about when he'd asked Raffe to look for a place with him. How there was no excitement to his lovers responses, how he said "we'll see what you find." Nox had chased Raffe until Raffe gave in.

Nox let out a long low sigh and closed his eyes. The feelings were fleeting. He tried to hang on to the love and the joy. But nothing ever stayed. It was empty, not worth living, but he'd made a promise. He made many promises, and he broke one that ruined his life... he couldn't break any others. What else did he have to offer.

Nox didn't bother asking Oriena what she'd want. He knew enough of her preferences to order. Though he didn't quite order what he would have in prior encounters. His choices were much healthier and much less in quantity.

[Oriena]

He got up and she didn’t watch, just let her eyes drift shut. The mattress dipped moments later with his returned weight. She heard the deep exhale of a sigh.

“For someone who says he can’t feel anything, you do a very good impression of wallowing.” Her tone was dry, and sharp enough to be mean, if it were anyone but Ori speaking anyway. “And yes sweetheart, I know you’re not.” Ori rolled her eyes and shucked the blankets to move about the room languidly retrieving her clothes.

What Nox said sounded like a confession. Something he was afraid to admit, as though he had been holding on to a sliver of hope for some time. Hope was always a mistake though, and perhaps Nox was beginning to realise it. She knew he wasn’t seeking advice, or even her opinion. Certainly he wasn’t looking for consolation. And perhaps because he wasn’t looking for any of those things from her, she was inclined to give a response. She eyed him as she pulled the tank over her head.

“You’re the lowest you’ve ever been and Rafael isn’t here. Does it actually matter if you were ever on the same page? Clearly you aren’t now. It was what it was. A little blip of sunshine. You need to get over it already.” As she spoke she pulled the packet from the pocket of her pants, just far enough to check it was still there. A glare darkened her eyes as she shoved it back in, then left the pants draped over a chair.

Oriena was cruel but also straightforward. Yesterday was yesterday. What Nox would get out of reexamining the past for truth was precisely nothing, unless tarnishing all those memories helped him finally move on. Given he was the one who’d pissed all over their fairytale, maybe he needed to feel like he’d dodged a bullet. Rafael might look like an angel, but he was still just a man.

She expected him to sigh, in resignation or because he felt she missed the point. She didn’t care either way, and returned to the bed to get comfortable while he ordered the food. His tastes changed there too, though it didn’t bother her either way. She watched him with a benign sort of curiosity: the ways he was both different and the same.

[Nox]

Ori searched for her clothes and Nox caught the glare at the packet of drugs. He took note but didn't comment right away. He still had a task to accomplish.

Nox ordered food and when he set the wallet back down on the table by the bed he leaned back gently. Oriena was behind him someplace, and he didn't want to just flop back like he owned the place. Though when his head met the side of her leg he didn't move, it was more intimate than he'd try under other circumstances, but today had been different and it wasn't about comfort, it was merely being lazy and comfortable with Oriena. She'd push him off if she didn't appreciate the closeness. And it wouldn't bother him any. If it had been anyone else it might.

She was right about that. Raffe wasn't here now. He barely responded to text message, never checked in. Didn't matter anymore. They were done. It was time to accept it. Time to move on. It burned inside, but even that was just a fleeting moment.

Staring up at the ceiling, Nox resigned himself to his loss and changed the topic. "Never seen you glare so angrily at a party favor before. What did it do to piss you off?" Though it might be a touchy subject. And she was just as likely to throw it off as talk about it. Either way he was there.

[Oriena]

He didn’t say anything. The old Nox would have, and though it wouldn’t have been anything she was inclined to listen to, ironically she didn’t find his silence to be an improvement. His head was propped against her leg and she wanted to kick him for the passive reaction, but he’d only accept the violence and that wouldn’t have done anything to sate her irritation. Instead she was the one to sigh. She didn’t shrug him off – there was no reason to, and she didn’t always reject liberties. Nox was one of the few people in her life who ever bothered to test those boundaries.

Oriena seldom checked in at the club these days, and despite her scorn she had no idea at the actual state of Nox and Rafael’s relationship, though she supposed his single sentence had spoken the same volumes he’d usually expend a whole lung full of breath on. It wasn’t their habit to talk about those kinds of things, and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d actually even seen Rafael. When Nox had given her the information about the Regus, perhaps. The same day she’d told Nox the two of them would never work, just to be spiteful. Not that she hadn’t been right in the end.

But the horde was gone now, and with it the reason for Nox’s broken promise. He must have considered if that meant there was anything left to salvage for their future. Just as he must have considered that love was now a feeling beyond him.

A cold bark of laughter answered his question. Her mood flattened almost immediately. “The drugs barely work anymore,” she said testily. For what she didn’t say, and he probably knew enough to fill in the blanks. But the ijiraq were quiet for once. There was nothing here to entice them to feed, and she wasn’t sure they’d risk another forced communion so soon after the last one knocked her out cold. She didn’t want to talk about it. Nor was it exactly why she’d glared at the packet, or why she’d bothered to check it hadn’t gone astray. But it all amounted to the same thing. A simmering anger. At herself. At the world around her.

“Did Sasha find you? The stupid prick’s going to get himself killed.” Not that Nox could actually help him anymore, or at least not in the way she had intended by sending him.

[Nox]

Oriena didn't kick him off, though her sigh indicated she was still annoyed at him. For what he didn't really know, the irritations were numerous with this one. But he didn't move until there was a knock at the door alerting them to their food. He had little shame, but there was no telling how old their delivery driver was and what sex they were and what sort of offense they'd take if he answered the door naked. Oriena had gotten slightly dressed so at least her modesty was intact, no need to toss a blanket over her as he pulled on his boxers and made for the door.

He took the order and set it down on the table before he actually answered her with a sigh. "He did. I don't know if I was much help since while I was helping him, my power vanished. I don't think he was very impressed. I wasn't impressed."

Nox set out the styrofoam boxes and utensils and handed Oriena an order then sat down next to the table, she could choose to eat where she felt comfortable. They weren't proper in any form, and it wasn't like it was at home, where he was teaching good manners to children who were brats on any good day. He knew she didn't want to talk about her demons, and he'd only make mention of it once. "They communicate telepathically or with pheromones or something, maybe we can figure out how they keep getting their hooks in you and disrupt it. We can't do what they want. Wicked is got his eyes everywhere and nothing. But that tablet has to communicate with them some way it can reproduce." He looked up after a bit. "I know you don't want my help. And you won't ask for it, but you have it regardless." It was really too bad Aria was dead. She might actually know something about that stupid artifact. Maybe someone in the Atharim knew.

[Oriena]

A quiet Nox was a strange thing to experience. He didn’t speak for a long time and Ori let herself drift. It didn’t surprise her that Sasha hadn’t taken the advice, which was what she presumed from Nox’s silence. He wouldn’t be hard to track down, even if he was trying to lie low from the Atharim, and smoking him out might even be entertaining. He deserved to squirm before she flicked that packet of drugs back in his face.

Ori didn’t move when Nox got up to receive the food order. Her thoughts were idly content on ideas of petty vengeance, which was a damn sight more pleasant than considering the fragility of her own mortality. She propped herself up properly in the bed but didn’t vacate the comfortable spot to eat. Her scarred legs were outstretched, the styrofoam box balanced on a pillow.

“Shame,” she said, though she didn’t sound entirely sorry about it. “Since he has hunters on his tail.” Her lips hooked a savage smile. Nox would probably take it personally, the suggestion he’d left someone to the wolves. Not that Sasha was defenseless. Her slyness was because he was a powderkeg; too much power and not enough sense. It was the Atharim chasing him who were in trouble now he was learning what he was truly capable of.

The detail Nox revealed didn’t escape her, either. She hadn’t actually asked how he had lost his power, and probably wouldn’t. It might not have even occurred to her as a possibility except the ijiraq had imbued her with some very old knowledge in an effort to forge a weapon of her, and she therefore knew how it was done. In theory, at least. But he made it sound like it had just happened, unprovoked.

His change of subject flicked her eyes up, but if it was a look that would have burned up most others, she doubted it would bother him. “I know,” she said, and rolled her eyes, turning back to her food. She wouldn’t stop him from digging up what he could, but it didn’t mean she wanted to talk about it. The possession hadn’t been by choice, but Nox knew that already; he’d been there. And she’d made the oath to the ijiraq willingly at the time, albeit the alternative had probably been biting the dust. Destroying the tablet was the only way the creatures themselves knew how to grant their own freedom. Nox already knew that too though.