Linking Experiments (Kallisti)

[Marta]

Marta was comfortable and she felt safe with Cadence. It was the way she moved and spoke. It spoke of experience. She was never loud and was always asking simple questions. Marta didn't know what had happened with the singer, but she felt as if she had experienced pain too, even if it wasn't the same that she felt.

Marta felt like she wanted to disapear, but at the same time, she didn't. Everyone here had her back. They wouldn't hurt here, but she felt the old habits creeping in. Still Cadence was there, arms wrapped lightly around her. When Hayden came back in, Marta introduced them and then went quiet for a bit, wanting to talk, but unsure of if she would be judged or not. She didn't know why.

"Ummmm..." she began, her eyes not meeting Hayden's. She felt a little scared. Not quite as scared as she had been at the brothel, but still scared. Not really of Hayden, but that he wouldn't understand. "It started when Jared asked Nox about if he wanted to be healed, and then Liv said that he already agreed and don't give him a chance to back out...and...I...don't like that they took away his choice and I should have said something..."

The confusion set in. Part of her knew why - it was so Nox would get better. But that bothered her so much. She wasn't sure if Hayden would understand why. If anyone would understand why. Cadence squeezed slightly, giving her the courage to continue. "But I didn't. He might of said no, and if he didn't he wouldn't have gotten hurt. He's hurt because I didn't say something..."

She was beginning to cry again, but it kept in check. Cadence began to hum again, and Marta listened. It was a reminder to focus on her breath.

[Hayden]

Hayden nodded as he listened. He didn't interrupt, just let her talk. "It's not your fault. Knowing Nox he didn't just relent. He would have said no if he really didn't want to go through with it. But I understand the guilt" Hayden sighed. "I feel a bit guilty things aren't going well for him too. I was the one who talked him into it. He's pissed. He's afraid. He's feeling things again, and that's what is important."

Hayden move a little closer to Marta and sat down on the floor in front of her and ran his fingers through the nape of Splash's neck fur. "Nox is all about consent, about giving everyone a choice. He would never do anything he didn't want to do, nor would he make anyone else do something they didn't want to do. Except of course as a parent sees fit with his parental duties. Sometimes you have to do that. But I don't think he'd make anyone do anything bad."

He smiled up at her. "He's not hurt because of you. Right now he's pissed the horde is not gone. That he has to deal with the feelings they make him feel. He's terrified of hurting someone. You did nothing wrong, and you don't need to feel guilty. If you want to you should express it to the others who made the allusion that Nox had to do this. Tell them it made you uncomfortable, and that they shouldn't do that. Choice matters." Hayden put his hand on her knee. "And I will go with you if you want to do it. Or you could do it in a letter. Though I'm sure when they said it it was with Nox's best interest at heart. We all love him."

[Marta]

Marta wiped her eyes. Hayden's words made sense. In truth she knew that it was the case, but it hit her hard. She knew Liv had meant well. But she couldn't help how she felt about it. Even with Hayden telling her she didn't do anything wrong, the guilt was still there. Usually she felt better, and she did a little bit, but it wasn't much.

Marta looked around the room, feeling incredibly small. "I know...but...it still..." She looked down at the floor. "I think consent is a big emotional trigger for me."

That meant she likely would need time for things to settle, and perhaps that's why she wasn't really feeling better. The thought of talking to Liv about it filled her with anxiety. She wasn't sure she could She wasn't sure Liv would understand. She even knew she was probably wrong on that, but the fear of Liv getting mad or not understanding was prominent.

"I don't know if I can," she said. "I wouldn't know what to say. I know she meant well....it just...made me feel scared. I just want him to be better too. I guess it's better that he doesn't smell like nothing anymore."

Marta sniffled and pet Splash on the back, breathing as she leaned back into the singer behind her. "I think - I'm going to be upset for a bit, and I don't think anything is going to change that. I hope you don't think that this didn't help - it does and I'm always grateful for our talks. I think time will make this go away - I hope. I don't know what else to do."

[Hayden]

Hayden chuckled "Nox is going to be grumpier than usual. I wouldn't be surprised he was more volital than usual. But like you he needs time to adjust. He honestly felt like his life would be better feeling nothing. So remember that if he's snappy or overly emotional about simple things. And the horde isn't easy. It makes him want to do things he doesn't want to do. But we'll get a handle on it. Just like you will figure out how to deal with this."

He patted her knee. "And I would never take offense." He leaned in and whispered "If our little talks didn't help much, that's why we do it so often so they can help a little at a time. You know I'm here if you need it. And it looks like you got a few more friends to help you out if needed."

[[ ooc: if you don't need Hayden more you can have him take his leave. ]]

[Marta]

Marta nodded in understanding. She needed time. Nox needed time. They all needed time. There was nothing wrong about her being upset. She would make it. Right now, things hurt, and they would for a bit. She leaned in and wrapped Hayden in a hug. "Thanks for talking. I'll head out and take a nap soon. That will help."

Marta let Hayden take her leave. She turned to Cadence. "I'm sorry if you didn't understand all of that. I've not had things easy until Ricky helped." Marta shrugged. "I'm guessing you probably want to hear about it."

Cadence gave her a smile. "If you'd like to share, I'll listen, but I won't force you to. I know about trauma myself, and I know it can be hard to share, especially with someone you don't know very well."

Marta nodded and was glad she understood. "Sometime I will, but right now, I don't think I can talk about it." She smiled a little bit. "Sorry if I stared a lot when I first saw you. It was kind of cool to get to see you."

Cadence laughed. "That's okay."

Marta gave her a hug. "Thanks for being with me today."

Cadence returned the hug and then she headed out after making sure Marta would be okay. Marta sat back down next to Splash. For now, she just wanted to be alone for a bit.