[The Garden] Praeceptor of the Reliquiae

[Helena]

They had discussed the nominations, and Helena was in accord. Though she noted the shift in Nox’s posture when Zephyr Lelantos’ name was spoken. The Consul was the cleanest choice to represent the Custody, and Helena was more than passing familiar with Daniil. The nepotism would not go unnoticed, she was sure, but Myshelov’s son was a savant. And DuBois’ ignominious beginnings balanced the books somewhat. “I am in agreement,” she said smoothly, with the haughty tones of one who had been born into power.

[Eliot]

That did seem to be the last real order of business. There were still details to hash out of course but all in all it seemed to go rather well. Though he could have done with out the death. A poor calculation on his part, though it did seem to quell the overly rebellious figurehead he was planning on using. If only he had that kind of power -- the boy might listen to him like he did the Ascendancy. Those loyalties might get in the way one day -- but for now they worked for him.

"I would ask my leave. I will contact the appointees then and move forward with the tribunal inauguration. I'm sure we have quite a list of Atharim marks to go through." He didn't say he'd send them to the Ascendancy but he expect that the man would learn of those on their list. He had his representative for a reason.

Eliot looked to Nox. "I will have need of you in a weeks time we have things to do and for you to learn." The boy rolled his eyes but didn't balk, which was good. He was being oddly quiet. Eliot wasn't sure he liked that. But it was good for now. Less mess. Less hassle, at least the boy was keeping his misgivings to himself. He was just the liason here, and he would just be a pretty face to show the world.

[Jay Carpenter]

Among the Dominions, it was Jay who volunteered to escort the Ascendancy’s guests from the grounds. No one argued.

Outside, the air held a sharpness, the kind that clung after fire swept a field. Jay kept his eyes forward, though the dark scorches in the paving stones whispered for attention at the edges of his vision. He didn’t look. Not directly. But a part of him wondered if he could call down lightning too. He’d never tried.

He would, though. Before the day was out.

The fact that the thought had come while watching a girl be reduced to cinders was something he chose not to dwell on.

He trailed behind the others, just far enough to fall into step beside Nox, close enough to speak without raising his voice. There wasn’t any real plan to it. He didn’t want anything, not exactly. Just to check in. The man looked rough. But then, who didn’t these days?

“I’m out at this place just outside the city,” Jay said, after a while. His tone made it sound like nothing, though it wasn’t. “Not gonna be in the city much for a bit. Figured that was... probably for the best.”

The quiet of the path out stretched between them, broken only by the distant hum of tech infrastructure and the rustling wind.

“Staying with someone,” he added as if it weren’t an admission. Come to think of it, had he ever mentioned Natalie to Nox? He might’ve, in passing. Or not. Hard to say. The trip to the States had always come with the unspoken understanding that not everything needed to be explained.
Jay glanced over briefly.

“You doing okay?” he asked, frowning.

[Nox]

The Gates were in sight. Eliot and Helena were ahead of them. Eliot didn't need him and they could go do whatever they needed and Nox watched as they passed through then stopped. He reached through the slick the horde left behind and pulled the power to him and wove a bubble of warm air around him. He didn't tie it off he held the power. It wasn't showing off, not to Jay, it was just staying warm unlike before he didn't need to freeze his ass off. And the Ascendancy wasn't close, he wouldn't be struck down for grasphing the power. Though he still saw the weaves of the lightning clearly -- he wished he could forget them.

"Life is good." Nox shrugged with a half smile. It was life. He wasn't dead. He had a life -- a job -- a family. Even if he didn't have exactly what he wanted. Which may or may not be sitting around the corner somewhere. Nox didn't take his eyes from Jay to look around. He didn't want to know. He didn't really want to see if that really was Raffe here. He didn't want to know what Raffe wasn't sharing with him. He didn't want to share so Nox didn't want to know. "I can channel again. I can feel again. What couldn't be better." Though the words dripped with sarcasm. "I'm glad you found someone." Though Nox had known there was someone Jay was with. He didn't know who, hadn't asked. but there had always been someone. And it wasn't him -- it wouldn't ever be him. That seemed to be the story of his life. "And I hope the place is safe from all this bullshit." He looked over to where the car for Eliot and Helena waited. "This isn't going to get any better than what is currently out there."

[Jay Carpenter]

It took a broken man to see the fractures in another. Fuck, but they were obvious to Jay.

He didn’t know what to say. There was nothing to say.

It felt like some sort of unspoken goodbye, though maybe that was just the grief of an old life slamming its door on his soul. Ironically enough, Nox had only been a small part in that old life, but now he was the great symbol of it all. Misery, battle, fighting and feeling alive. Since the tunnels, since their fight, Jay was little better than a sack of breathing meat. Going through the motions. And one zombie always sensed another. Maybe time would help them both. That’s what everyone said, right? Give it time? Time heals all wounds? You’ll forget. Move on.

He didn’t know what Nox was grieving. Maybe it was the same thing Jay grieved: the death of purpose. The long, dull ache of waking up everyday with no fight to justify your breath. Just a shell doing what was expected. A performance of muscle memory. But without a cause to make it worth it all. A soldier fighting a battle that no longer existed; living with nothing to fight for.

That hunger to feel alive almost welled up in him right there. The one that said to do something just to feel alive again climbed up his throat. For a split second, part of him wanted to pick a fight with Nox and the other part wanted to grab him hard, just to see if it sparked any response in either of them. It was a stupid idea, and he’d do neither, nor would he choose to hurt Natalie like that nor use Nox like that either. But he did have a question. Because of everyone walking the planet, Nox had to have the answer.

Jay glanced sideways. No preamble.

“What keeps you from ending it all? Bullet in the brain and just be done with it?”

He never really thought of himself as suicidal. Back in the Corps, he’d taken the courses, knew the acronyms. Trained to recognize the tells in his peers when they were found. R.A.C.E., OSCAR, ASIST. He knew the playbook. Knew it cold. And he’d seen it in himself for months now. The slide into silence. But something was keeping him from making the call.

[Nox]

Nox laughed. It wasn't a funny laugh. "How do I ..." He couldn't help but laugh again. The irony was too much "I made myself a promise." He could add a jab to what he was feeling exactly right now. Make it hurt, but he didn't. He didn't bring up the past. It was done. And he was past it all now. There was nothing here but a lingering friendship he was trying to pull back from the brink. And Nox wasn't even sure Jay wanted it -- not after walking out on him the last time they'd been together. That sting hurt more now than it had at the time.

Nox sighed. It was a long breath, deep and he closed his eyes relaxing into it. "I wake up everyday not wanting to be like my father -- to take the cowards way out. I refuse to be like him. I refuse to let my pain and sorrow be my life. I wake up everyday knowing that today I'm alive. I have a baby girl who needs me. I have a family that rely on me. I have friends who care. All the shit that makes me want to put said bullet in my brain, draw upon the power until I burn to a crisp don't mean shit when I have them. And I'm a man of my word despite whatever fucking shit I've done to fuck up my life. I don't break my promises."

[Jay Carpenter]

It was morbid and the kind of laugh Jay usually appreciated. But it was hollow too. It definitely didn’t bridge the gap between his head and his willpower. He felt like a man standing on the edge of an abyss, watching the world move on the far side of the chasm. People went about their daily lives unaware of the nearby bottomlessness waiting to swallow them whole. He was screaming on the other side, but no one heard. No one looked up.

So what do you do when you’re alone on the wrong side of the canyon? Do you walk away? Or do you jump?

The logic held fine enough. There were people who depended on Nox. The man was gravity for a house full of random kids. Even a baby for fuck’s sake. It was a duty worth envying. Jay caught the eye of a security armsman and the weight of the Garden settled back onto his shoulders. Whatever duty tethered Jay to the CCD, it was a pale reflection of what Nox had.

At least he could respect Nox’s word for what it was. “Sounds like it was a good promise to make,” Jay said, eyes fixed on the distance.

“I’ll be seeing ya.”

It was a hollow parting. The car was idling. Waiting. Now two soldiers were waiting to close the gates, hands ready to seal the world out. Jay pivoted. Ready to not look back.

[Nox]

Nox nodded. Watched as Jay turned away. It felt sorta final, but he had to know. "Did you ever even think about why I did what I did? Why I'd end a friendship by text? Out of nowhere? Was I even a second thought?"

[Jay Carpenter]

Jay’s eyes clamped shut. The words hit like shrapnel in the back. There was a stinging heat behind his eyelids that spoke of too much fire. But fuck it. If he was going to walk through the flames, he might as well let himself burn in them.

He spun back. His chest felt like it was packed with wet concrete. Fists tight enough to ache. “It’s all I thought about!”

The outburst felt like a physical rupture. He stared at Nox until the man blurred into a shapeless silhouette. He looked at the gate until it was just a jagged line against a gray sky. His stomach turned over, a slow, sick lurch that made the words taste like acid.

“I’m telling you I want to die,” Jay rasped. The volume was gone, replaced by a jagged, broken edge. “And you don't ask me why.”

He went still. Dead still. He stared at a patch of dirt by his boots, tracing the lines of it like he was measuring the dimensions of his own grave. He didn't sob. He didn't make a sound. But the tears tracked down his face anyway. Slow, hot, and silent. Like his soul was bleeding out, and there was no will power left to plug the holes.

[Nox]

Emotions were raw. All around. The tears flooding Jay's face broke his heart. He hadn't asked. But he never asked. If Jay wanted him to know he'd tell him. But maybe not. Maybe they were the same.

He closed the distance between them and put his good hand against his face and wiped away the tears. "I'm a shitty friend. The only excuse I can offer is I feel like killing myself every day. And I don't. I thought it was commiserating not a call for help. I'm sorry, Jay. I'm so fucking sorry. It's never been our thing to actually talk about it has it." He chuckled.

"Do you want to go some place warmer, out of prying eyes? We can talk for once? About all the shit that's happened?" Nox was gentle, his voice soft barely carrying beyond the edges of his warmth bubble. As much as he hurt, he saw the pain in Jay and wanted to help -- even if he couldn't fix it he could listen -- maybe that's what they should have done before instead of jumping into sex. Maybe he wouldn't be where he was now. Maybe...