Need My Fix

[Tatyana]

Hayden stopped her and she listened. Her insides hurt. She was scared. Not she felt guilty too. This is why she needed the meds. It was all too much. She didn’t know how to deal with all of this. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do. She wasn’t being helpful? She didn’t know what to do to be helpful. Nox could help her? Well he wasn’t here.

Hayden moved to go back and she turned as if to follow. Then she froze. She couldn’t move. She didn’t know what to do. She wanted to learn her power. She didn’t know if they could actually help her. Not without changing her. Hayden said they didn’t want to change her. They were offering the only solution they knew. Tatyana didn’t feel angry at them. She didn’t really know what she felt. Nothing but pain.

She finally spoke, her voice quiet. ”I don’t know how to be helpful. And I don’t know if she can help me. Do I have to wait for him?” her voice shook with fear. This Nox person, whoever he was, scared her.

[Hayden]

Hayden stopped and listened then shrugged. "Helpful is letting us in. But that's your call."

Hayden noticed that she seemed afraid of Nox. "You haven't met Nox, but you are afraid. Why?"

[Tatyana]

Letting them in. That's what she expected. But letting them in meant telling them things that she didn't want to talk about. It would likely lead to an uncomfortable conversation about her addiction and a plea from them for her to get help. The pain was there and the drugs numbed it. That's how she liked it. The pain never left and she knew it was there. She just couldn't feel it. Dealing with it would mean the pain would go away. It would make her father's loss more real. She didn't want to let him go.

Hayden noticed her fear. Perhaps because this was the first time she'd ever really spoken of him in a non-sarcastic way. Hayden had heard the fear in her voice when she talked about it. She didn't respond to the first part. She wasn't sure she wanted to talk about letting them in or not. She wasn't ready to talk about that, so she talked about Nox.

"He has a group of followers who are devoted to him - a lot of them. Fiercely loyal with no strings attached. That doesn't make sense to me. It scares me because..." her voice trailed off. She didn't want to go too in depth with this in saying directly that they way they looked to Nox reminded her of the way the Vasiliev's had looked to Konstantin. The thought made the pain in her chest twinge and she flinched. "Such men don't want me around. They abandon me when I'm not useful to them. I don't fit in anywhere there."

Tatyana shrank into herself, feeling very self-conscious and vulnerable right now. Hayden was probably going to make fun of her now. If it wasn't disdain or disgust, it was making fun. It was the most she had told anyone of her struggles in the past. Tatyana wasn't sure how she felt about that.

[Hayden]

Hayden chuckled. ”I suppose Nox has a cult following. But Nox is not like any leader you’ve ever met. he doesn’t want to lead. He doesn’t even know he leads. He is rather single minded in his tasks — to protect his family. And unless your are a threat…”

”Nox doesn’t abandon anyone. He helped a girl who was the sister of a girl he slept with and walked out on. His ex-girlfriend lives with him, and he lets a bunch of kids who kidnapped him, tortured him, and fed him to monsters peice by peice live with him. They are all family.”

”If you want you can meet him where you feel most comfortable.”

[Tatyana]

Tatyana didn’t agree or disagree to anything. She just listened. It was strange. She didn’t understand it. It didn’t fit in with her world view. She sat on the floor then, her hands shaking. She pulled her knees to her chest. ”You think he’ll actually help me figure this out,” she asked. ”what if he doesn’t want to. And yeah I know what you’re going to say. Something like there is no reason why he wouldn’t or he’ll do it because he has some weird savior complex. But,” she sighed. ”My mind isn’t going to let it go, so humor me.”

She couldn’t wait longer. She pulled out her box and took out a pill and took it. She wasn’t going to break her block today and she knew it. The withdrawals wouldn’t go away until the pill took effect, but it would be easier now. ”She hates me doesn’t she?” she looked towards where Jules was. She figured she did.

[Hayden]

It was an honest question. “In the short distance that I’ve known nox he’s never said no to anyone. Even if he hates them. “

She looked towards Juls in the other room. “I doubt it. She barely knows you. They help because nox helps them. Pay it forward.”

[Tatyana]

Tatyana’s hands continued to shake. Soon they would be gone now that she’d taken her pill. That’s where her mind was, but she had the focus to listen. Maybe he could help her. Maybe he couldn’t. If he couldn’t, she was where she was now. All she wanted was to break her block, but she couldn’t stop trying to numb the pain. The addiction would remain.

”if you think he can help me break my block I’ll meet him then. Doesn’t matter where. I’m going to be uncomfortable no matter what,” she squeezed herself tighter. She was feeling uncomfortable just asking about it. ”When and where? Don’t have a wallet, so I’d like to find out soon.”

[Hayden]

Hayden smirked. "That's easy." His wallet was in his hand and he was pulling up Nox's schedule. He pretty much lived on it. Sky kept Nox's schedule available for everyone.

After some looking. "He's got time in a few days before his shift here. You can meet him at his place. I pointed it out on the way here. I can show you again if you like."

[Tatyana]

Tatyana couldn’t believe she was doing this. She still didn’t think this guy was as nice as they had told her. Once he met her, he’d be just like the others. He had no use for her at all. He was going to give and get nothing in return. But Hayden and the rest had. Her mind was all jumbled up. The emotions she felt didn’t help either.

”Okay - I’ll be there,” she said. Hopefully she’d remember. ”Need to be reminded where it is. Wasn’t focusing on the way here.” she stood up while she was still not feeling the effects of her pill, so it would be easier.

[Hayden]

Hayden nodded "Let me get Lily's things and I'll show you where to go." He went out to Liam and informed him of the plan. He bundled Lily back into the carrier and covered her up. He could wait for Nox back at his place and they could talk there.

"You ready?" Hayden pulled his coat on and lead Tanya out the door and showed him where Nox lived which was only a few doors down. "You can come up see where he lives or down stairs where he would be working with you?"