What Is Wrong With Me?

[Elyse]

Continued from here

Elyse hadn't meant to fall asleep, but when she felt the inevitability of sleep coming, she knowingly entered the Dream.  Elyse hated this place.  It's odd light and eerie silence made her cringe, and the place reminded her of her nightmares.  When she thought of them, she could still see them - and still vividly.  Nox had told her they would fade, but they hadn't.  She hadn't thought of them, but as she tried to recall them they were there.

Solitude was what she wanted, and even locked in her room, she couldn't feel alone in Nox's fortress. It was full of kids mostly - strays that Nox had taken.  And there was that creepy AI watching everything.  Elyse stood and left the dream version of her room.  It was empty.  She hadn't been there long enough to make a substantial difference in the Dream.  Opening the door, she entered the hallway.  It looked like it did in the real world, bathroom across the hall where Mara's room was.

Mara. One of the few people who lived in the house she hadn't met, but was the one who intrigued Elyse the most. Elyse thought it was simply because, like her, Mara wasn't connected to the Blackthorns. Elyse probably should have been polite.  She probably should have introduced herself, but she hadn't.  She hadn't wanted to pry.

Elyse sat on the floor and couldn't help but start thinking. She had come here full of hope - come here searching for something better. She had found Nox, and their time together had been short, but happy.  Until he cheated on her - like he said he would.  It was the only time he had almost lost to the wolf. When Nox's lover ran, Elyse had wanted to give chase.  She had wanted to tear his throat out for taking what was hers. Then she found Sierra, and her happiness returned. But Sierra was gone now. Then she had come to Kallisti, found a family and a girlfriend.  Just when she was getting happy again, her father decided to kill her. Now Mae was gone - they weren't broken up -  but Elyse wasn't sure what she wanted.  Right now, she knew she didn't want to think about it.  It was still too soon.

Her father - her father had piercing blue eyes.  Perhaps her nightmares had been trying to warn her about this.  That her father would come to hunt her.  She had never really understood what they meant.  What good were prophecies if they were so vague they didn't guide decisions?

Elyse suddenly realized she was naked.  She had fallen asleep that way, she put on clothes with a thought - a pair of jeans and a yellow t-shirt.  Finally she allowed herself to cry.  She had come to the Dream for this, not knowing if her body was crying in the real world or not, but this place gave her the solitude she wanted.  No one would be looking for her here, and that's what mattered.  If she could, she'd have brought her body in here too.

Elyse knew isolation was bad.  She knew right now she should be seeking someone to talk to.  She almost had, but when she had grabbed her wallet, it had not been the number of Anna Rodriguez that she had punched in.  It had been Ana Vega. Ana had taken her in, and was almost a mother figure to Elyse. Sometimes you had to talk to your mom, but Elyse couldn't.  Her mom was dead.  Frustrated, Elyse had put her wallet back down and had fallen asleep.

"What the fuck is wrong with me??" Elyse finally screamed into the void. It didn't make her feel any better.

[Sierra]

Tenzin was with her and she felt better now that she was not alone. But Tristan was still missing, still not communicating. His wallet was not picking up, going straight to voicemail now -- probably dead. Which meant that he was likely dead or someplace he couldn't charge it. Sierra hoped for the latter, but her mind kept going back to the what if he's dead.

During the night she scoured the dream for him. Tenzen offering to help, and also tend to Never's exuberance. Sierra looked for any sign of him, but between the lake, and where they'd been in the past Sierra couldn't find him. He was lost to her and her mind reeled through the endless possibilities of doom. The wolves scoured for him.

It hadn't been long enough to contact the authorities, and what would she say, he went into the water and never came back?

A familiar voice echoed through the dream as she searched. Her ears perked as if she were a wolf and she cocked her head to the side. Had that been Elyse?

Sierra followed the noise and in one large leap was standing in view of her friend. There was a tinge of guilt and pain on her mind but Elyse smelled of pain and sadness and like her world was ending.

"Elyse? What's wrong?"

[Elyse]

((Oo: trigger warning: there is a brief mention of self-harm in this post))

Elyse was aware that Sierra there. It had seemed like years since she had seen the other woman. Elyse hasn’t wanted their reunion to be like this. She hadn’t wanted Sierra to see her broken like this. She’d wanted no one to see this - that’s why she had come to the dream.

She felt the guilt build. It was the guilt that became strongest within her, and it was a monster that wanted to feed. It took and twisted everything to fill its unquenchable appetite. Mom was dead because Elyse had confided in her. Dad was trying to kill her too. Nox had to kill again because she messed up. She was struggling with Mae because she had allowed herself to fall in love. Nox had left her because she hadn’t listened to his warnings. And now Sierra was here, and guilt took that too. Sierra had left because Elyse had kissed her. It was bullshit, and deep down, Elyse knew that, but guilt had found another food source, and it intended to take it.

Elyse had been thinking, and her thoughts had been unpleasant. She wanted to numb the pain. Just not feel it anymore. She lived in the red light district. It was easy to find someone to throw her a bine or some
drugs to take it all away. And it would be so easy to make her pain physical - no not that. Elyse wouldn’t do that. But the thought appeared, and that scared her. She didn’t like these thoughts. She didn’t want to do any of them. And guilt took hold of that too - calling her weak.

Her breath began to quicken and her heart began to beat faster. She had seen Marta’s own panic attacks enough to know that this was happening to her. She was panicking, scared to do nothing, but even more scared she would do something. She tried Marta’s method and focused on her breath, calming herself to a more manageable level. The panic receded, but the guilt and pain remained.

Elyse looked up at her friend, unaware of how long had passed since she had arrived. Her breath, more controlled than it had been during her brief state of panic, was still quick and shallow, heaving with the sobs. Elyse willed herself to calm enough to speak. ”My dad…killed my mom. He’s coming for me now. It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have told her what I was. And I ruined the best thing that happened to me because I’m a fucking idiot.” Elyse looked down, staring at the floor. It wasn’t these things that had cause this. It was more than that. Her voice began to get louder. ”Everytime I find peace, something comes and takes it away from me. It’s all crumbling around me. And it’s all my fault. Everything. It won’t stop. It wants more. It keeps eating at me twisting and taking more and more. What did I do to deserve this? Why do I fucking care so much? What’s the point when none of it matters? Why is it that for once things can’t just go the way I want them to!”

The last question was yelled and guilt stepped in again, making her feel bad that she had yelled at her friend. Sierra hadn’t deserved that. Elyse found herself wanting to throw something, and she felt a weight in her hand. A coffee mug sat in her hand. She had asked and the dream had provided, but now that it was there, the desire was gone. She let the mug drop from her fingers, unaware if it crashed to the floor or not as she buried her face in her knees and sobbed.

[Sierra]

Sierra listened. There wasn't really much else she could do. "I think that's just how it seems. Shit has a tendency to hit the fan when we are happiest. Because when we are in the thick of it and shit hits the fan we just don't notice more shit piling up."

Sierra moved closer, Tristan being lost was a problem, but her friend had lost more than a friend -- she'd lost her self. "You can't let your emotions get the best of you, specially in the dream. The wolf may find a way to take action." She gave a friendly bit of advice and sat down on the ground creating a cozy den and campfire. Something homey and inviting for both the wolf and the human.

"You telling your secret didn't kill your mother. Your father did that. You are not an idiot. I don't know what other stuff is about, we can talk. Or you can just stare at the fire."

[Elyse]

Elyse sobbed, but heard what Sierra had said. The guilt told her Sierra was lying. It was so loud and it hurt so bad. Suddenly the area felt warm and cozy, and she heard the crackling of a fire. The sobs began to recede into normal crying. Elyse looked up and stared at the flames.

Sierra was still there, ”If I wouldn’t have told her, she’d still be alive. She’s dead because of me…” she cried. ”The guilt…it’s so strong. It twists everything….It hurts so bad.”

Elyse pulled her knees into her chest. ”I feel like I’m drowning. Just getting these breaths occasionally and then I’m sucked back in.” she looked up at Sierra. ”what happens when I can’t get that breath again?”

[Sierra]

Sierra knew a thing or two about guild. "That's the thing with guilt. It makes you doubt the facts. Did you pull the trigger?" She didn't wait for an answer. "You told your mother, and she obviously kept the secret until it was beyond her control. She loved you still. It's not your fault." Sierra sighed and stared at the fire. "I was there the day my brother got killed. I watched the man with the snake tattoo murder him in cold blood. I felt guilty for years why did I live and he didn't? And again when Tristan killed my father. He didn't do it himself but sent others to do his bidding because he'd hurt me. We can't control what others do with the knowledge they have. You have to learn to forgive yourself."

[Elyse]

The tears began to recede and Elyse began to calm down. The emotions were still strong in her and the pain was still there. It wasn't currently growing, but it wasn't diminishing either. Sierra mentioned her own guilt and how she had to learn to forgive herself. It sounded easy. Easier than Elyse knew it was.

Elyse stood, wrapping her arms around herself. Her nails touched the skin of her forearms and she longed to scratch, that wouldn't hurt too much, but instead her fingers flexed a bit against flesh, she wasn't able to hurt herself. She didn't want to hurt herself. Elyse took small steps, walking closer to Sierra. She didn't hug her but leaned against her, resting her head on Sierra's shoulder.

"I've missed you," she said, her voice a whisper. She remained silent for awhile. "What's wrong with me? How do I forgive myself? I've tried, it's just so strong, and I'm not...not anymore."

[Sierra]

Sierra put her arm around Elyse's waist. "A little everyday. And there is nothing wrong with you. Start with going easy on yourself. You can let yourself feel it, but you have to keep getting up. Keep moving forward even if it's hard. Repeat it to yourself everyday."

"After I find Tristan, we'll come check on you in Moscow." Explaining who Tristan was if asked would be interesting.

[Elyse]

Elyse was feeling better, even if the guilt was still there. Elyse didn't know if it would work. Maybe she could talk to Nox, he knew what it was like to deal with the guilt. And she was going to contact Adrian - it wasn't a good idea for her to have access to her weapons now with her dark thoughts.

Elyse sniffled. "I'll try. I'm not sure it will work, but I'll try."

Elyse unwrapped her arms and wrapped them around Sierra. She took a deep breath. The tears came again, not so hard this time, but she let them come. Sierra had mentioned Tristan twice, and she didn't know who he was. "Who's Tristan?" she whispered.

[Sierra]

She knew the question would come. Tristan was part of her life -- he was pack. "He's pack. Was a mate, or so I thought, but..." her words trailed off. It didn't matter, not anymore. She wouldn't leave again. He was pack. "I met him in when I was on the photoshoot I left Moscow for. He is a lost pup. Strong willed. Lost between multiple worlds. He needs me." She needed him too. It was a strange bond. "He and Thalia went into the lake seeking monsters and then there was a storm and I can't contact him. I don't know where he is." There was a little panic in her voice. "Tenzin, who is also pack, is staying with me while I wait for them to return or we find their bodies."