Missing You

[Rachel Shale]

Rachel got in the shower and turned it on allowing the water to wash over her. She really wasn't in here to get clean. For some reason she just thought better while she was in the shower. Rachel and Cruz had been distant for awhile, but it was because life was busy. They were both grad students, and Cruz was also in a vital role for Jivana. Rachel had thought that was all it was, but now she was wondering if there was more. Cruz had changed somehow, and Rachel didn't understand how or why. It's not that changing was bad - it wasn't - but she wondered if now she no longer fit into his world.

Cruz had spoken of fear as something to be chased. She didn't understand it. He said he knew it didn't make sense. It was his comment after that that got her thinking maybe Cruz just wasn't looking for what she would be able to offer him. It broke her heart to think that. She thought that what they had was something special. Maybe she had misread everything. He had spoken of a buzz inside of him that had only gotten louder. She wondered what it was that had changed him, but didn't know if it was her business to ask.

Rachel got washed up, dried off and got dressed, thinking the only thing she could do is ask what he felt about them, but she was scared to. She thought back through the past couple of months, and in reality, she had a feeling this was ending. She had held on as long as she could. She really liked Cruz. She had really wanted this to work. She thought they could make it work, but it was looking closer and closer like it wasn't.

Rachel stepped out of the bathroom and saw Cruz had gotten dressed as well. He was sitting on the bed, a coin flipping in his hand. She could tell it wasn't a normal coin - like what they used for money, but she didn't pay it much mind as she sat down next to him looking at the floor. As she had walked, she wondered what she was going to say. She didn't want to accuse him of anything. He really hadn't done anything wrong even if his comment had been hurtful.

"Cruz, are you happy...being with me?" she asked, her heart wrenching at it. She didn't want to hear what she thought the answer was going to be, but she had to.

[Cruz]

Cruz heard the water stop and then Rachel came out and sat down next to him. It was tense between them. Her words surprised him. "Of course I am. What's going on with me has nothing to do with you and me. Or even being unhappy with anything in my life. Everything is good." Cruz said.

Cruz stopped flipping the coin in his hands. "Life is just more than school and work, family and friends. I've lived a sheltered life until now. Always told where to go, what to do. I'm finally free to do the things I want and need to do. I'm not saying you aren't that, because I want to be here. I'm sorry my feelings hurt you they weren't meant to. I was telling you about what was going on with me. Which bothers you." Cruz said honestly.

[Rachel Shale]

Shit! Rachel thought as she listened and the guilt sank in. She has misread Cruz and taken his comment personally when it shouldn’t have been. She was glad he was happy with her, but now her feelings were pointed at herself. She had screwed up. Not Cruz.

She looked up at him, guilt in her eyes. ”I’m sorry. I just felt like you had said that I’m not good enough. You were just trying to tell me what was going on in your life and I made it about me.” she said, touching his hand. ”I understand now, and will try to do better. I’m very sorry.” he apology was genuine. ”I do want to know what is going on with you. That doesn’t bother me at all. I misunderstood and that’s my fault. Not yours.”

[Cruz]

Cruz nodded. Mistakes happen, but the whole mood was killed. What had supposed to have been a fun long night together felt dead now. The buzz only grew stronger, there as a sort of fear in all this. Fear of losing someone. Fear of the unknown, but it wasn't what he was seeking.

"It's fine." he said. "But it's not all your fault. I wasn't saying you weren't enough." Cruz sighed and got up and started pacing. "You wouldn't like anything I've been doing outside of those things. You'll probably be pretty disappointed and upset if you knew."

Cruz stopped about ten paces away from Rachel on the bed and turned around to look at her. "My roommates introduced me to various different kinds of legal and some not so legal forms of ..." Cruz searched for a word that would make it sound better, but he couldn't find one so he just called it what it was. "... drugs. I saw things while on one that haunts me still. But it's not an evil haunting per se. It's the fear, the adrenaline running through your veins, the buzz of the unknown, the flight for life. And with the drug its even more intense."

He looked down at the floor. "Those girls at the bar you clocked. They are part of the whole fear seeking. They always seem to be around when its good, when I find what I'm seeking. I don't know if that first night was real or not, but I feel like they saved me from a far worse fate. I don't know... But I'm being honest because I care about you, and I would say I love you, but I'm pretty sure this is the end of things so... not much point in it. But Rachel, none of this has anything to do with you. I wasn't seeking another girl or a thrill. It just happened, this fear seeking just happened because I was willing to rebel against everythign I ever knew."

Cruz held up the coin Zeke had given him. It wasn't the same one he'd found, but it was identical in every way. "It all started because of this."

[Rachel Shale]

Rachel listened as he spoke, giving him her full attention. She didn’t interrupt, even when he said the word drugs. She didn’t even react. She was fully listening. She heard him say he might even love her, but she could understand why he had hidden this from her. The fear he chased was different than the kind of fear of losing someone.

Cruz had changed, and Rachel wasn’t sure how she felt about those changes. If they were legal drugs, she probably wouldn’t have had much of an issue - even if it didn’t thrill her, but the illegal stuff was in there too. The way he spoke made it sound like he was addicted, or close to it. This had been going on for awhile. Cruz had wanted to be more independent- going as far to rebel. Rachel wanted more independence too, but she wasn’t sure she could go down the same path.

Rachel looked at the coin - an odd grinning face on it. It all felt off to her. Something itched in the back of her mind that this wasn’t a good thing. She reached for the coin but Cruz pulled his hand back. She took the hint and didn’t push any farther.

”Do you really think you love me?” she asked, wondering if she felt the same.

Cruz gave her an incredulous look. ”I don't make elaborate reservations and hotel plans for just anyone. It wasn't about getting into your pants. I wanted it to be special because I think this is great, we are great. So yeah, I think I'd call what I feel love."

She gave him a smile. She didn’t think he had been just trying to get into her pants. She had felt that way too. And she still did. Even with everything he just said. ”I think that too - I think that I love you too.”

Rachel went back into thought, her eyes going back to the strange coin in his hand. She thought of the two girls in the bar - she had felt they were trouble and was now convinced of it. Something was wrong with it. Something was very wrong. Whoever these people were - they weren’t Cruz’s friends. They wanted him for something.

Rachel was unable to stop the tears from coming now. Not because she was upset about what Cruz being on drugs or even the possibility that their relationship might end, but because she was scared for him. ”I don’t like it. It feels wrong. I don’t know why, but it does. You asked if I ever felt truly afraid, and I do now. I’m afraid you might be in very real danger.”

[Cruz]

Cruz hated when women cried. It was either them being too emotional or it was their way of manipulation. He didn't think Rachel was the latter type, but it was his mistakes to make. "I sorry it upsets you. I'm sorry you are afraid for me. But they are my mistakes to make. I've never been allowed to make mistakes. Everything's planned and prepped for me. My job is all because my father didn't want to be part of Jivana. My life has all been planned for me. I need this, Rachel. I need to follow through with wherever this leads -- dangerous or not. It's not in the plan. But I think it's necessary. And yes I might fall. I could even die. But this." he held up the coin. "Is more than just a trinket. It has two sides, and I need to embrace them both if I'm going to find true meaning in it."

"I know it's not what you signed up for. And I won't pull you into it anymore than you already are. I can only hope that Cam and Sis will not pull you in further, but I don't know them at all. They are just always there...Maybe this is good to have happened now. I like us, but if you don't feel safe then I don't want to hurt you. I don't know where this is taking me, and I don't think there is anything you can say that will make me change my mind."

[Rachel Shale]

Rachel felt her heart break at his words because she’s now knew it was over. She had wanted to help. She had no issues with people making mistakes - but knowingly going into one that was as dangerous as this was something she didn’t understand. It wasn’t something she couldn’t understand. When she stood, she was angry. Angry that he had thrown aside her empathy like it was trash. She cared for Cruz - more deeply than she cared for anyone besides her sisters. He didn’t want to drag her in anymore, but if she stayed with him, she would be and it would be for no other reason than to pull him out. He said it himself. She couldn’t pull him out.

”These people are not your friends,” she said, her voice quiet despite her anger. ”If this is the path you must follow then I can’t go with you. I’m sorry.” She went around him, grabbing her coat, purse and shoes. ”I hope you find what you’re looking for, and I hope I’m wrong. Goodbye, Cruz.” she opened the door to leave.

((OoC - left it open ended in case Cruz tries to stop her - she’s gonna summon a cab to leave so if Roza and esper wanna harass her - they can do - if not - she’ll leave the hotel))

[Cruz]

Cruz knew they weren't his friends. They weren't even people that he would associate with on any level, but that was also why he had to do this. Why he and Nox grated against each other. Even Sage had a better grip on the normal person's life than he did. They may not be his friends, but it was their plight he was trying to understand too.

He let her leave. He just stood there thinking the night had been a waste. That he'd hurt her and there was no going back. Not that it changed much. They hadn't been together in ages -- too busy. He sighed and paced the room. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want to go home. He didn't want to see his roommates. But here was bad too.

Cruz went out on to the balcony in the fridgid air and just stared out over Moscow. He wasn't afraid of heights, but there was a tingle against his skin as he stood there barefoot and his button down fully open to the cold weather.

[Rachel Shale]

Rachel left, slightly disappointed that Cruz hadn't followed her.  It was strange, but that was the push she needed to realize that this was over.  Cruz didn't want to fight for them.  Her heart was broken.  She found a place to sit in the hall to put her shoes on before heading to the elevator.  On the way down, she put on her coat and called a cab to pick her up. 

The cab was waiting outside.  Rachel hadn't paid attention to anyone as she left she just got in the back of the cab, and shut the door.  She was quiet for a few moments before the driver spoke. "Where to, Miss?"

Rachel had been so upset, she hadn't even told the driver where to go.  She also didn't know where she wanted to go. "Just drive," she said.

The driver shrugged and headed into traffic.  He likely didn't care - the longer he drove, the more he made off of her. Rachel put her head against the window and tears fell from her eyes.  She really didn't know where she wanted to go, but she knew she didn't want to go home.  Maybe she would see something that caught her eye.

"You okay, Miss?" the driver asked.

"No offense, but I don't really want to talk about it," she said.

The driver gave her a slight smile in the mirror. "I understand. I'll just drive around and when you figure out where you wanna go, just let me know."

Rachel nodded.  That worked for her as long as the driver was content with her not talking.  Still she hated the silence. "Could you put on some music please?" she asked.  The driver complied, putting on a pop station.  Rachel just stared out the window and listened to the music, hoping that soon the pain in her heart would go away.