Seeking Control

[Jensen James]

Jensen joined Calvin at the wall of windows, and shivered as the blast of cold air touched his face. The loft sported a sweeping view of roof lines. All was quiet but for the gentle pelting of ice pellets ticking against the glass.

Calvin had already moved on, by then, going to grab his stuff and wrap his face in a scarf. Jensen closed the window and rubbed his chin, unsure of how to proceed. He felt his own eyes melt when they realized the depth of Calvin's silent pleading.

"Calvin, I don't think there is a fire. I think your mind is desperate to leave that your senses are confused."

[Calvin]

Calvin moved back to the window, feeling confused. "I smelled the smoke"


Calvin looked outside, seeing the town and he really looked. There was a lack of anything resembling a fire outside. He wondered at Jensen's words - was he so far gone that he was imagining things to get his alcohol fix?

Calvin realized he could have smelled it, but it could have been anything. He wanted to leave, but he didn't. He wanted to get a drink, but he didn't. He wanted help, but he didn't. There was some type of war going on inside of him and he felt himself become confused and overwhelmed at the emotions. He felt the blame come. He thought of his family - his fault - he was a bad son, father, and husband.

I...I..."
Calvin stammered, his hands starting to shake in frustration and nervousness. "You're...right. And you're wrong too. I don't know. I want to leave, but I don't. They're gone...dad, my wife, my son - they're gone - it's my fault. And this -"
he pointed at his eyes. "It's the wolf too - it comes out and I can't control it. It's like a fight and the alcohol makes it go away....and...and other things make it go away too."
Calvin was afraid to mention the women around Jensen - the way he had emotionally hurt some of them. Jensen would probably hate him.

"I...I..."
Calvin was starting to cry again and his mind screamed for his medicine - he was beginning to think of it as such. "I need a drink....but I don't want it. Please...can I have another lemonade - it makes it easier."


The depression was fighting so hard. Calvin went back to the table and sat down again. He worked up the courage to meet Jensen's gaze. "You've been so kind to me. I still am not sure I understand why, but I need to ask. I don't think I should go home tonight. Can I stay here - just for tonight?"
That light inside of Calvin appeared again in his mind despite the depression screaming at him.

[Jensen James]

A multitude of emotions washed the rugged exterior from Calvin's expression. He seemed to talk to himself as much as to Jensen, and those words were torn in their conviction. He wanted to stay and yet leave; he wanted to drink but he also knew it was only a band-aid. Jensen sympathized, so very deeply. As he poured the lemonade again, he knew the source of Calvin's issues wasn't addiction. It was suffering. Perhaps he had as much difficulty coming to terms with his identity as Jensen had with his gifts.

The compliment for kindness elicted the twinge of a smile. Soft and harmless, like flakes of spit snow, Jensen pat Calvin on the shoulder, with a small squeeze for friendly emphasis. "Of course you may stay. In fact, you'd be doing me a favor. It does get lonely. I'm fond of a big house with lots of hustle and bustle going on. These last few years have been quiet."


He gestured across the room. "TV?"
He led the way, but of course Calvin was welcome to hang out on the stool while Jensen sprawled on one of Doulou's sofas. Neither would he thwart their former conversation, but he sensed that Calvin wouldn't mind the distraction. He'd not push Calvin to open up, but he would welcome it with his undivided attention if offered. Otherwise, an evening of relaxation would do them both some good. Afterward, and closer to morning, a bed would feel great.

[Calvin]

Calvin remained seated for a moment before following Jensen. Without hesitation, Jensen had opened his home to Calvin. It reminded him of home. The people in his community looked out for one another. It was sort of an unwritten rule.

Jensen sprawled out on one of the couches and Calvin took a different one. He sat on the side closer to Jensen, kicked off his shoes and pulled his knees up to his chest. In one hand he held the lemonade and sipped at it a bit at a time.

Jensen turned the TV on. Some show was on that he didn't recognize, but Calvin really wasn't paying attention to the TV. His thoughts were everywhere and so were his emotions. It was difficult to focus and Calvin didn't know what emotions he was feeling - it felt like so many at one time.

It was a commercial that brought Calvin out of his thoughts - a liquor commercial. Calvin saw it and the internal struggle came back to the surface. Calvin took a long drink from his lemonade and turned to face the window. He kept his eyes on the stars, tuning out the TV.

Calvin wasn't sure how long he stared at the stars and thought, but when the wolf howl in the distance broke through, he realized he had finished the lemonade and set it on the floor. Calvin shifted slightly at the sound, moving so his body as well as his head faced the window and he spoke.

"The wolves call me Star Gazer...you probably think I'm crazy...a guy that thinks he can talk to wolves."
Calvin didn't face Jensen, but the words were directed towards him. "The name isn't a literal meaning, although I do enjoy star gazing. It's more about the fact that I like to think things through before acting - not something I've been really good at lately."


Calvin sighed. "It has sort of a Native American ring to it - reminds me of my mother. After she died, and then my father - I found peace in the things she taught me about her heritage. And again after Mary and Benji died. But I can't find that peace anymore. It's like my mind isn't able to get quiet. There's so much going on that I can't focus."
All the emotions were overwhelming and Calvin wiped his eyes again. "Have you ever felt like such a failure because everyone around always was getting hurt and then you were afraid to get close to someone because they would get hurt too? Have you ever felt so out of control and the only thing you want is to be in control - like there is an internal conflict inside of you and you're not sure how to make it end without losing your sanity."


Calvin faced Jensen. "Then you find something - something that gives you the feeling of control. It doesn't matter that you aren't - it just matters that you feel that way. Several days ago, I woke up in a jail cell with no recollection of the crime I committed. It doesn't matter though because I had felt in control. It doesn't matter that I've woken up next to women I don't remember meeting, because I felt like I was in control. It's the times in between, when I'm sober and know how wrong it is that makes it hard - that draws me back. Because I realize I'm not in control during those time. Then the shame and guilt come - drawing me back. I want that peace I felt again, but can't find it. Why can't I find it?"

[Giovanni]

Giovanni was walking, searching for a place to stay for the night. God it was cold. He could have stayed at a hotel again, but that ate up money fast, and right now, he needed to ration what he had. He was trying to break the thieving habit. Using the money he had received from his late nephew, Giovanni had bought a new suit to replace the one that prick Nox had ruined. He also picked up a winter coat and it was loads better than his older, travel-worn one. Despite that, the cold bothered his injured shoulder, and he rotated his arm, trying to loosen it.

Giovanni realized that he recognized where he was, and it was the building in front of him that brought back the memories of the night he had met Aria, Connor, and Jensen. It was Jensen's place. Giovanni remembered messaging him the day he had met Oriena. They had never actually spoken like he had intended. Giovanni debated going up and talking to him now, but it was late. Giovanni looked at the building though, and saw that the lights were on. Giovanni remembered staying up late that night and thinking nothing of it as they all had done so, but maybe Jensen was a night owl. He shrugged and decided to enter.

The reactions from Caos and Ordine were unexpected. Oridine still whimpered, but it was less and she seemed pleased at his choice to see Jensen. Caos hissed, apparently not liking Jensen. Giovanni didn't understand it. They weren't there when he met Jensen; how did they know him.

He was nervous. He wasn't asking for a night - he was asking for someplace to live for awhile. He still wasn't sure about working, but he had to make money somehow. He didn't know what he would do. Giovanni paused. Asking Jensen to help would cement that. He would have to work. He couldn't lie to Jensen about it. It wasn't that he was opposed to lying, but he couldn't to Jensen - not like that. Giovanni liked Jensen too much for that.

Ordine liked that train of thought and got braver. Caos hissed at her loudly, and Ordine's whimpers increased in volume and intensity. It wasn't the crying whimper she had before - it was fear. She knew what her counterpart was capable of; however, she held her ground.

"Brave girl."
whispered to himself.

A brief chuckle left his lips as he realized Jensen would see him cleaned up for the first time. Part of him still couldn't believe he was doing this. He worked up the courage and knocked on Jensen's door.

[Jensen James]

Jensen kept one eye out for Calvin until he was joined at the couch. When Calvin decided to open up, Jensen devoted the completeness of his focus to listening.

The name of Star Gazer immediately inspired the image of a man pondering his own future. Jensen related. He also knew what it was to be a failure in the eyes of those you loved most, but he didn't voice that answer. Calvin had asked rhetorically as a means to demonstrate his own conflicts.

The story quickly became a reflection of Jensen's own life: down to the gaping hole in their souls. "You're not doing what you're meant to do. That's where peace lies, in purpose and service."


Knocking drew his eyes toward the door. His heart fluttered, immediately picturing John on the other side. But this was his property, he had no need to knock. Who then?

"Excuse me."


The building's system gave him a digital glance through a virtual peephole.

Even as a boy, Jensen had a sweet talent for placing people. He'd never call it as such, rather, he delivered his full attention to someone when speaking with them. Whether acting as a confidant or simply chatting, Jensen took joy in the fact that other people shared their lives with him.

Thus, he recognized Giovanni. He was smiling at the change in the man's appearance when he opened the door. "Giovanni? A pleasure!"
The moment he offered to shake hands, he remembered that he was still wearing only his bike pants and undershirt.

[Calvin]

"You're not doing what you're meant to do. That's where peace lies, in purpose and service."


The words rang in Calvin's ears as a knock came at the door. Jensen excused himself and Calvin wondered at what Jensen had said. He didn't know his purpose and wondered if he even had one. Maybe Jensen was right. Maybe he needed to find that purpose, but how did one know what that was?

Calvin turned his eyes to the door and saw a blonde man wearing dress pants and a coat at the door. He heard Jensen say "Giovanni? A pleasure,"
thus figuring out the stranger's name.

The man shook Jensen's hand and began to speak. "It's good to see you again Jensen. I'm sorry to disturb you at this hour, especially when you have company."
Giovanni looked towards Calvin.

It was hard for Calvin not to listen with his hearing abilities, but he tried to ignore their conversation. He didn't want to be rude. He turned his thoughts back to what Jensen had said, pondering his own place in this world, and how his abilities would fit into that.

[Giovanni]

The door opened and Giovanni smiled as Jensen said "Giovanni? A pleasure!"


Giovanni took Jensen's outstretched hand, felling very happy to see Jensen again. "It's good to see you again Jensen. I'm sorry to disturb you at this hour."
Giovanni glimpsed the figure of a man on Jensen's sofa. "Especially when you have company, but I was in the area and was hoping we could talk for a bit. I have a request of you."


Giovanni was surprised at how hard it was to meet Jensen's gaze. The question he had to ask was a hard one to ask, and Giovanni was starting to feel really nervous now as he stood there. Giovanni shifted his feet waiting for Jensen's answer.

Caos still clearly hated Jensen for reasons Giovanni didn't know, but Ordine was getting more brave now that Jensen was around. Despite the hissing of Caos, Ordine continued to stand her ground. It echoed in Giovanni's movements. He eventually brought his eyes up to meet Jensen's again.

[Jensen James]

Jensen shrugged off the apology. "You know I'm a nights guy. Come on in."
He held the door open for Gio and turned to make proper introductions. "Giovanni, this is Calvin."
It felt great to have friends in his life again. For his part, at least, the two men were the closest he had to friends anyway.

He offered Giovanni the same lemonade he and Calvin had been sharing while the two greeted each other. The set to Giovanni's tone had not been lost on him, however. Jensen had a feeling that whatever the request was, Giovanni might want to pose it in private.

"There's a library in another room, Giovanni, if you care to join me. And Calvin, if you'd excuse us a moment?"
He pat the older man on the shoulder as he passed behind the sofa and hoped Calvin was reassured by Jensen's demeanor. The last thing he wanted was for Calvin to leave.

There was something different about Giovanni that wasn't explained by attire alone. He seemed to hold himself different, but then again, one could say the same of Jensen.

[Calvin]

Jensen invited the man in and formally introduced Giovanni. Giovanni turned to Calvin and stared for a moment. Calvin wasn't surprised at that. The man had a unique smell and Calvin wondered at him. He could pick up traces of contentment, sidled with other emotions, unlike his emotion though, Giovanni's seemed...different. He couldn't place a finger on it.

Giovanni shook his head, and offered his hand which Calvin took. "My apologies, Signore. I shouldn't have stared; it was rude of me. Nice to meet you Calvin."


Calvin shook Giovanni's hand and shrugged. "It's okay. I've had worse reactions. Nice to meet you too."


Jensen asked to be excused once more. Apparantly Giovanni had something he wanted to discuss privately. Jensen put a comforting hand on Calvin's shoulder and Calvin nodded saying "That will be fine."


The two men left and Calvin helped himself to another lemonade, having the feeling that Jensen wouldn't mind. He sat back down and yawned. It was getting later and he wasn't a night owl. His thoughts were on Giovanni. Calvin hadn't liked his scent. Something about it felt off, but Calvin tried not to judge him. It would be unfair of him to do so without knowing the man.