Seeking Control

[Giovanni]

Giovanni couldn't help but stare at the man's eyes after Jensen introduced them. They glowed yellow - actually more of a goldish color. There was something about Jensen that brought out the best in Giovanni. He couldn't help but feel bad for it, especially when he noticed that the whites of Calvin's eyes were stained red from tears. The man had been crying. "My apologies, Signore. I shouldn't have stared; it was rude of me. Nice to meet you Calvin."


The man took his outstretch hand and responded. Jensen came back and gave Giovanni a glass of lemonade and excused them from Calvin. Giovanni followed Jensen to the other room, glad for the privacy. They arrived at a library and Giovanni began, nervously.

"So...ummm..."
Giovanni started, unsure of his words. He looked at Jensen and that gave him courage. Jensen was a good man. "You see. I used to be a thief. It was how I survived. I...don't want to live like that anymore. I'm homeless too. I want to change."
Giovanni closed his eyes and swallowed. "I...I...I'm looking for a place to stay. It won't be forever, though I can't guarantee how long it will be. Just until I get my feet under me again. I'll look for work and when I can - I'll leave."


Giovanni hadn't realized how hard it would be to ask. He did realize though that Jensen might think he had stolen the clothes he was wearing. "I inherited some money from a relative."
Giovanni couldn't bring himself to say he had killed that relative and he didn't want to lie to Jensen, but he felt a pain in his gut that he didn't like. He didn't know what the feeling meant anymore. "I used some of it to buy a suit, get a hotel room, and clean up.
He also left out the fact he had visited a prostitute on the money too. Outwardly he hid the pain he felt inside. Caos didn't like it either, and Ordine was trying to push him to share more. Giovanni couldn't - for some reason he didn't want Jensen to be ashamed of him. Just being around Jensen made him a completely different person from how he had been around Nox and Oriena. Maybe it's why Caos hated him so.

"I need to use the rest to get more - this is all I have right now. After that, I'll start chipping in for food until I can get out. Is that okay?"


With the questions asked, Giovanni was honor-bound to keep his promise Jensen. He would find work if Jensen said yes. He already felt guilt for not telling Jensen the complete truth. He wondered why he felt that around Jensen, but not around others.
Edited by Giovanni Cavelli, Nov 2 2014, 09:34 PM.

[Jensen James]

Jensen was no priest accustomed to hearing confession, but neither in his heart nor in his expression did he flinch while Giovanni admitted his past. At least Giovanni justified his actions. Jensen had none when he turned a blind eye to his accountants' manipulation of their bank accounts.

Giovanni grew uncomfortable, but Jensen tried to disarm his unease with a smile. "Thank you for being honest with me. It must have been hard to talk about. I'll be honest myself. I live here on the generosity of someone else. I could otherwise never afford a place like this. You are more than welcome to stay. If it would make you feel better, I'll talk to the owner and make sure he doesn't mind. But he's one of the best men I've ever met. I can't imagine he would object."
Jensen's voice reflected the reverence in his heart. John was a remarkable, generous man. He hoped to see him again soon.

They were surrounded by a library, but there was room to put in a small bed. "The bedroom is around the corner. There's a very nice bathroom attached as well. Please make yourself at home in there. I don't have much clothing myself, but if you find something that fits and you'd like to borrow it, go right ahead."
Giovanni's shoulders were broader and his thighs stronger than Jensen, so there was likely few items he might find useful.

Meanwhile, Jensen turned in a circle, mentally noting how large of a cot he could put in here. Of course it was for him. Giovanni was a guest. He would get the bedroom.

"So would you like to meet Calvin? He's going through a bit of a rough time right now."

[Giovanni]

Giovanni smiled and wrapped Jensen in a hug. Jensen had invited him in and it felt good to know that someone cared enough to help. He had thanked Giovanni for being honest, and despite the good feelings, the pain in his stomach increased.

Ordine's whimpering decrease and she spoke to him for the first time since the fight with Nox. "Confess...


Caos, meanwhile had diminished and was back to muttering to himself incoherently. He got the feeling the voice was pacing, and Giovanni didn't like it.

Giovanni released the hug, but wasn't ready to confess, but spoke to Jensen nonetheless. "I've done more...but...I don't want to talk about them. Maybe someday, but not right now. I just don't want you to think I'm hiding that from you. I'm not ready. I hope you understand."


The pain decreased and Ordine sighed. She seemed to be okay with that for now. He never would have told anybody else something like that. It was as if Jensen radiated goodness and it had a profound effect on Giovanni. He felt calm and even though they didn't go away, it was easier to ignore the voices in his head.

The effect Jensen had on him as well as the mention of the man with the golden eyes in the other room made Giovanni feel sadness. He wanted to help him. Confusion began to enter Giovanni as he wondered why he changed so much and if it was okay. "Yeah. I think I would like to meet him. Is he okay? He seemed really upset."


The two men left and went back to the other room where Calvin was sitting. He had brought his legs to his chest and was clutching them. His eyes were reddened again - he had been crying again. Calvin's eyes turned towards Giovanni and Giovanni could see a look of confusion in his eyes. Giovanni took a seat on the sofa Calvin was on. Calvin looked down, and took a drink of the lemonade he had set on a table. Giovanni wondered what had upset the man so much.

[Calvin]

With both of the men gone, Calvin faced his own thoughts again in silence. The blame was still there and the pain too. He pulled his knees up to his chest again and held the lemonade in his left hand. He looked to the TV screen again. Again it was a show he had never seen before. He tried to use it to distract him from his thoughts, but his thoughts won.

He wanted to bury the pain away, but it wouldn't go. Calvin closed his eyes as the tears began to fall again. At the same time he fought for control of his thoughts, he wondered why he felt so bad. The emotions came and swirled as one and the overwhelming power of them made it hard to focus.

It didn't take long for the men to come back and Calvin was immediately drawn to Giovanni. His scent had changed - drastically too. Calvin realized he was staring and dropped his gaze and Giovanni sat down. He wondered what had changed though. He took a sip of his lemonade and sat in silence.

[Jensen James]

Once they rejoined the main room, Jensen's expression grew grim. Calvin looked worse than when they had left him. Jensen returned to the same seat he'd been in before and made the introductions. "Calvin, this is my friend Giovanni."
He gestured between the two.

Calvin had already unloaded quite a burden earlier. Jensen was all ears, of course, but perhaps he needed some normalcy. He'd described feeling empty. Filling his life with friends might help that.

"I met Giovanni by happenstance as well. I was out one night and found myself in a jam, and Giovanni bailed me out. Calvin and I only met a few hours ago."
Such was his attempt to connect the two men. "Giovanni is going to be staying for a while. You're welcome to kick it on the couch, if you want, Calvin."

[Giovanni]

Giovanni smiled when Jensen brought up the night they had met. He had been very confused back then. He had started embracing his power instead of hiding it, but was still dealing with his old feelings. Meeting Aria had confused him more. That opened up a new train of thought. She had been in the tunnels when he had gotten injured and the thought sent tension into his wound. Giovanni rubbed at it and winced.

Giovanni removed his coat and suit jacket, placing it over the sofa before removing his tie and dress shirt. He placed those over the sofa too. He felt more comfortable in the gray undershirt. Giovanni spoke as he did. "Don't sell yourself short, Jensen. I just pissed the thing off. It was you that saved the night. Have you spoken with Connor or Aria since then?"


Calvin had begun to shudder. It looked like the man was about to cry again. Giovanni wondered what had bothered the man so much. Something was clearly wrong. Giovanni placed a hand on his shoulder.

"What's wrong? Let us help you."
Giovanni wondered at the words he said. They seemed so uncharacteristic of him, especially since his meeting with Oriena. Why was he shifting so much?
Edited by Giovanni Cavelli, Nov 8 2014, 11:32 AM.

[Calvin]

Connor. Calvin knew a Connor - Connor Kent. Connor had helped him come to terms with the loss of his wife and child. The mention of the name cause a reaction of thoughts to happen. He thought of his family, of Mary's body on the hospital table, and holding Benji's broken body. He had said goodbye, but the thoughts came nonetheless. Mostly what came was shame. If they could see him now, Mary would be ashamed of him, and rightly so. The example he would have set for his son would make that a logical reaction on her part. That thought increased the shame and reinforced the idea in his head that he was a bad father.

Giovanni had placed a hand on his shoulder and wanted to help him. Giovanni confused him more. Something had been off about the man when he came in, but after talking with Jensen, his scent was normal. Jensen had done something to stabilize the man. The two men in the room seemed to want to help him.

"I'll be okay...I think."
Calvin said. He began to get his emotions under control - on the outside at least. "You said Connor. I know a Connor. He helped me come to terms with the death of my family. He's a good guy. It made me think of them though, and how ashamed of me they would be of me for the monster I've become."


It was the shame that caused the pain and the desire to drink to return. Calvin took a long drink and drained the glass of lemonade again. This time, the desire didn't go away. He needed something to make the main go away. There was nothing available to him to bury the pain. He changed the subject, maybe doing that would change his focus.

Calvin faced Jensen. "You know what I can do, don't you? I mentioned the wolves earlier, and you didn't think I was crazy. How do you know?"

[Jensen James]

"Calvin, I understand what it's like to feel you're a monster. Someone had to show me that our past doesn't dictate who we are. We have complete control over our identity. I was a monster because I had decided to be one and I could decide to be a blessing instead."


Jensen left his seat and joined Calvin on the sofa. He was unafraid to peer into those golden eyes. "I don't think you're crazy because I've met another man like you. In fact, the same man that I spoke of. This is his property."
He pat Calvin on the hand as though sheer touch might imbue some of the love Jensen had for his brothers and sisters. "I don't know much about him, but I know he's a man of faith and love. The opposite of a monster as you can find."


He didn't break his gaze, but he hoped Giovanni was listening. "I don't believe you're a monster."

[Calvin]

Jensen had met another like him and he wasn't a monster. Sierra wasn't either. Jensen said Calvin didn't have to be one - that he wasn't a monster. Calvin's emotions swirled in his head. Confusion added to the mix. He didn't know what he was thinking anymore of what he was feeling. Jensen said it was about choices. He could make the choice to leave. He could go now - get some booze and the pain would go away. He could find the prostitute again - he knew where she operated. He doubted he could afford her fee this time. Maybe she would work something out with him. He doubted she would. But it could be worth a try.

It wasn't about want. He wanted to do neither of them. It was about need. He needed to stop the swirling emotions and stop the confusion. Then the pain would go away too. His want and need fought with each other and Calvin could feel himself starting to panic. His heart felt like it was going to leap out of his chest and his breath began to quicken. His indecision added to the swirling emotions. Calvin was aware of Jensen sitting next to him. Calvin wanted to scream. The indecision was causing a headache. He needed to choose something.

And then Jensen touched his hand. The emotions still swirled, but amidst them, two words came into his mind. Not alone...


He realized he wasn't alone. He had hurt people - physically and emotionally. He had almost done the same to Jensen. Maybe he had - Calvin didn't know if there were concealed bruises. But Jensen had not only forgiven him. He had brought him into his home, he had offered him a place to stay so he wouldn't drink. And in his darkest moment, Jensen had offered love and support to a man he barely knew, simply because he had been hurting.

Calvin didn't give into the need. He didn't stand. He wrapped Jensen into a hug. He needed human contact - real contact - not the lust he had gotten from the women. He needed the extra reassurance that he wasn't alone. The torrent of emotions needed an outlet, and as he hugged Jensen, he began to sob. He cried harder than he had in a long time.

Calvin wasn't aware of how long he sat there like that. He finished and released Jensen - he realized he had been squeezing pretty hard and felt bad, but didn't apologize. The whole situation had opened Calvin's eyes to something. Something he voiced aloud.

"I need help, don't I?"



Edited by Calvin, Nov 10 2014, 01:32 PM.

[Giovanni]

Giovanni listened to Calvin. He could sense the man starting to panic. Caos awakened at that. Giovanni saw it, but seeing the turmoil fueled something inside of him. He wanted to see the man break. Jensen spoke and Giovanni heard. Giovanni considered, and he could feel Ordine pushing back against Caos as they battled for control.

"I dont believe you are a monster."
the words rammed into Giovanni's head. The words have Ordine additional strength and she forced Caos back.

As Calvin broke into sobs, Caos redoubled his efforts. Ordine urged Giovanni to get out of the room. Giovanni obeyed, Jensen's words giving him the strength to resist Caos. He needed an excuse to do so, so he filled a glass of water and waited a moment before entering the room again.

Calvin had calmed down, and Giovanni handed him the water. Calvin thanked him with a nod and Giovanni took his seat again and wondered about monsters.