Need My Fix

[Tatyana]

Tatyana deliberated about it for a couple of days, but could come to no reason why she shouldn’t learn to control her power without being intoxicated. She didn’t want to be beholden to anyone, but she didn’t know what other options she had. Not taking her pills was difficult. They were right there. She just needed to take one and everything would be okay, but in order to learn how to use magic sober, she had to be sober. 

So as she walked into the Red Light district a couple of days later, she was feeling it. She hadn’t take her pill the night before, and body demanded it. They were in her box. It would be so easy. She could feel her pain, but she was afraid too. Scared they were going to ask her things she didn’t want to talk about. Tatyana knew left to her own devices she wouldn’t go to Kallisti. Not like this, so she didn’t head there. 

Instead she went to Hayden’s bar. Had she not left sober, she wouldn’t have been able to find it. She hesitated at the door. Her hands were held together to still the trembling within them. She let go and reached for the bell to ring, hesitated again, and then finally pressed it before bringing her hands together again. 

She looked down and when someone answered the door, presumably Hayden, she spoke quickly, afraid the words would get stuck. ”Won’t go to Kallisti on my own. Will you walk me there.”

[Hayden]

It had been a few days, the bar was almost nearly open so he wasn't expecting anyone not even any deliveries, it was to be a quiet day.

He padded down stairs and opened the door to find the wayward soul Ashton had brought by. She looked rough, not bad, just like she didn't want to be alive. Sober was the word he was looking for. He nodded at her request. "Come on in. Let me get my shoes and coat." He nodded towards the stairs, sorta an invite but not outright he wasn't sure where she was comfortable with their interactions.

He didn't go far once he was inside his rather open living space, the living room and kitchen were larger than he needed but it made for entertaining easy. The back was his room and the door to that was closed. Hayden still had boxes in corners. He hadn't fully moved in. And he wasn't sure he ever would. The boxes reminded him that this was a temporary assignment. Not that he couldn't make Moscow a home. And he didn't exactly miss London.

Hayden pulled on his boots and laced them up before grabbing his big puffy coat. "Alright, let's go."

Kallisti wasn't far, it was like two blocks but even in the cold it could be rough. Hayden lead Tanya around the corner and past Nox's home "Nox lives here." He didn't say where, there was only one place despite it being a three story building. And it had two tiny offices, everything else as Nox's home. And while he didn't need any of it, Hayden knew he used every bit of it for his misfit family.

Kallisti was another block away and Hayden took Tanya down the alley side entrance. He buzzed the buzzer, he didn't have a key or access though he could probably ask for it since nearly everyone there availed themselves of his so-called expertise. The door opened and a small Japenese girl opened the door. She smiled at Hayden and he grinned back. "Hey Mae, this is Tanya, she's here to see Juls and the other girls."

Mae giggled. "No one ever needs help I can offer." It wasn't true there were people who she could help she just choose not to be available for such things. Her thing was sex and she preferred to keep her company mostly outside of the club.

Hayden took Tanya out front to where the girls would be practicing. He didn't interrupt them waiting for Juls to come to him. It was several moments before she noticed and wave. He grinned back with a small wave of his own. When Juls stood in front of him in costume and a flame illusion he made the introductions "This is Tanya, she's looking for some help breaking her block."

Juls nodded. "Nox's isn't here, but I'm sure we can all give you a helping hand. Pretty sure I got his notes on hand now."

[Tatyana]

Tatyana didn't feel comfortable following him upstairs, but she was afraid she'd book it if she was by her self, so she reluctantly followed, not straying far into his Hayden's living space. She didn't look around, just focused on keeping her hands from shaking. Hayden got his coat and boots and they left, heading through the cold Moscow winter to their destination. He mentioned Nox living somewhere, but she didn't look. She was already scared they were going to make her one of theirs and didn't want the reminder. Her mind kept going to her pills. She was beginning to think this was a mistake.

The pair arrived at Kallisti and one of the dancers answered. Hayden appeared to be well acquainted with her and she wondered what sort of relationship he had with these people. Tatyana's quickly reverted back to thinking of her fix. Each step into the club and she felt her heart rate quicken. She began to whimper softly, trying to keep from crying. Her insides hurt so bad. She hated feeling so much.

There was a woman there who looked like she was on fire. Tatyana could feel the power around her. This was the first time she had met someone who could do what she could - at least that she knew. She looked down as the on fire lady approached. She hugged herself in another attempt to stop her shaking hands. She was a moment away from giving up on this, taking her pill, and leaving. Fear wasn't something she was used to, but for the first time in a long time, she really felt afraid to be here.

It took a moment for her to speak. "Can't...can't... she found herself unable to focus. "Can't use it unless I'm intoxicated." She didn't add that it didn't seem to matter whether it was drugs or booze, but she wasn't sure that mattered.

[Hayden]

Hayden was sure he wasn't needed but he stayed for now. Most of the kids were at school, but there was still a handful about. He sat down at a table with Liam who typed with one hand and held Lily against his chest with the other. "I can hold her for a while.

Liam handed her over and began his studies as if nothing had changed.

Juls took Tanya by the elbow and sat her down. "What do you feel when you are holding the power while intoxicated? What where you doing when it first happened?"

[Tatyana]

Hayden went over to talk to a man holding a baby and Tatyana was left with the on fire lady. She flinched and tensed as the woman grabbed her elbow and led her to a place to sit. She sat without a word and kept her hands around her body. Despite her trying, her hands still shook. One hand moved down to her coat pocket where her pills were. It was hard to focus on anything but that.

Still Tatyana heard her questions. Fire lady wasn't judging her for her out of control emotions right now at least. She seemed to want to get right to work. Tatyana tried to make herself appear smaller. She wasn't used to being afraid, but she was even as she knew she probably shouldn't be. Was a couple of weeks ago. Three guys tried to take my food. I fought back. Two grabbed me. I threw the other across the alley then fought the other two away." Her voice was quiet and unsure. "Got really sick after that, but not since then. I try to practice, but can only touch it when I'm high or drunk."

Her hand squeezed the box in her pocket. She needed her meds so bad. She sniffled, holding back tears and wiped at her nose. "It feels...warm." she finally said. "Don't know how else to describe it." The whole time, she kept her head down, her eyes gazing at a spot on the carpet.

[Legione Sumus]

Juliana Nazarova (Moon Pyre)

Juls listened and nodded and made note of the personal space she hadn't liked violated and moved her chair away just an inch or two more than they had sat down. "Sounds like it had to do with protecting your own, and you can only feel it when you are intoxicated. So you probably don't know that it's always there, like a warm light always ready to take you home."

Juls gave it some thought, if this was the girl Ashton had found the other day and if Hayden brought her around it probably was, then she needed to feel safe and not more fear. So she was going to try a different approach. "The drink probably makes you feel warm, and you feel safe, safe from harm from emotions, from anything the world throws at you. You're safe here. Nothing will harm you with in these walls, and if they do there are a bunch of big guys and Nox who will handle the problem. Most of the men standing around can channel. And those that can't have been bouncers for years. We trust them with our lives. I know you are itching for a drink or drugs or something. Let's see if we can focus that need into wanting the power. It can also become an addiction." She looked over at Hayden who was frowning as he listened but he was absorbed in Lily's smiles. "We don't want to trade one for the other, because too much power can kill you just the same, but let's try it anyway."

Juls smiled. "Look for the soft white light at the corner of your vision. Surrender yourself to the light and let it take you home, make you feel safe and warm and then and only then can you harness it's power and channel it."

[Tatyana]

If her words were any indication, fire lady didn’t understand why Tatyana was afraid - except for the emotions part. She wasn’t afraid of the outside. Outside the world made sense. The streets weren’t complete anarchy. There were rules and hierarchies. She understood those and her place in it. She was afraid to be in here, and even though she trusted Hayden’s words, it was a fragile trust. He had even said that if she disappeared, they might try to check in. Letting people in was what she was scared of. Not know the rules and hierarchies in here was what she was afraid of.

There was only one thing she really understood. This Nox guy was in charge. Almost all of them had mentioned him and they all seemed to speak of him in high regards. They all looked to him and his leadership. It had echoes of how the Vasiliev’s and the Casino looked to Konstantin. That scared her too and it was why she was glad he wasn’t here. She just wondered which one was the Sofia.

Tatyana had a purpose here, and the sooner she figured out what to do, the sooner she could have her meds and head back to Zeke. After she calmed, she could do some training. But for now, she had to figure out the power.

”Jonesing real bad,” she said to fire lady, confirming the suspicions that she needed her fix. It also made it hard to focus. The fog of withdrawal was worse than the fog of her high. Tatyana tried to find the light she talked about, but struggled. Focusing was hard. She began to get frustrated. ”Cant find it. Focusing is hard. I’m trying.” she said after a few moments, her voice shakey.

[Legione Sumus]

Juls was concerned. She needed to want to be sober. And she needed to probably be clean. Otherwise things were just going to be real hard. Juls put her hands on the table a gesture that was meant to loving and warm. "Do you want to be clean and sober?"

If she didn't want to be, then what was the point of learning to channel when you had no intention of being clean. Juls smiled. "If you don't want that life why try to gain the power without it, specially if you are always high. We can still help you learn. Even with a block. But if you are always thinking about your next fix, the power will burn you alive."

[Tatyana]

Tatyana’s eyes never left the floor. They kept fixed on the same spot as she listened. She had given her trust, so when Jules spoke, the pan of betrayal mixed with the pain that she hadn’t medicated away yet. He had said that he wasn’t trying to trick her, but he had. They were supposed to help her with her power, not with her medication.

Tatyana didn’t let the pain show on her face, but was unable to stop tears. The pain was becoming unbearable with the added weight. She didn’t try to hide the tears. There wasn’t a point. She shook her head at Jules question.

”Can’t. Hurts too much. Don’t want to feel the pain.” her hands squeezed in fists as he continued. ”Wont be high during the fights. Need the advantage.” it was the only reason she cared to break her block. She wasn’t going to do it here though. Apparently they couldn’t help her. ”Guess that means we’re done here. Sorry for wasting your time.”

She stood then and turned to walk to the exist. A hand brushed the tears away even as they kept coming. Both hands then clasped around her abdomen as she moved to leave the club.

[Hayden]

Hayden watched with interest. But then when she couldn't get the power. There was a conflict. Tanya got up to leave and Hayden bounced Lily to his hip and he followed her. "Hey, wait, they need to understand why you want to do this as much as you need to learn. The simplest answer to them is to get clean and then learn. They aren't trying to change you. They don't understand. And you aren't being very helpful." Which seemed to be her thing.

"They didn't know you were going to be fighting. Hell, I didn't know either. To us we offered you help and you say nothing of why. We can only make assumptions. Right or wrong."

Hayden paused and stepped out of her way. " You can go if you like. We won't stop you and I doubt anyone will go looking for you. That seems to be your fear -- that we will. But there is no better place to learn to break your block to learn to fight with it than here. Nox trains with his power everyday. He understands it. He can't teach you directly but he can help you. Juls helps the girls, but she isn't a fighter. She can't make you teach the power. She told you what you need to do to get it. Behind that if you doing try. They can't help you. Can't isn't a word here. To quote yoda. Do or do not. There is no try."

Hayden hoisted Lily up and bounced her a little. "It's your choice. The offer always stands." He turned back to the lounge he may as wait for Nox. They should talk.