Don't Be Afraid

[Natalie Grey]

It wasn't a trap. Ekene's shoulders sank in relief, and he accepted the bar and nibbled on it quietly. For a while there were no words, but the silence wasn't a bad one, and Ekene felt himself grow at least a little more comfortable. Jared made no demands of him. He hadn't mentioned anything to make Ekene's gut sour up, or cause him to retreat from the kindness, and so for now he was content just to sit.

"Everything's different now. I don't know if I'll ever go home. I might not have a home any more."
He said this factually. The grief was buried deep down, perhaps because in that moment he didn't feel entitled to grieve for his own life at all. He understood that things had changed. Understood, in some way, that Jack had taken him underwing. That he had a lot to be grateful for despite all the horror.

"Shouldn't I be punished? For what I did?"
That's what he didn't understand. What he supposed he was still waiting for.

[Jared Vanders]

Jared listened to Ekene, making sure to look as he spoke. The question about punishment made him nervous because, honestly, Jared didn't know the answer. There could be many reasons why they decide to withhold punishment. More than that though, morality was a gray area - it wasn't black and white; he wasn't sure Ekene would understand all of that.

Jared thought on his own life - back in SWAT when he had to take out a man holding hostages. Taking another's life was not okay, but he had shot the man to save others. Jared wondered at the decision often. Had he been morally correct? He thought of the milliseconds after he had been given the order to shoot that had seemed to stretch for hours and he contemplated whether or not to obey. He had hesitated briefly before firing. It was not an easy choice. Jared thought of his gunbelt on the table behind him - making sure not to look that direction. He was making big strides with Ekene and didn't want to scare him.

"The day it's easy to fire that thing at another human being is the day I need to throw it as far away as I can and run as fast as I can in the other direction."
Jared thought.

"All of our choices have consequences, Ekene. Sometimes those consequences are good, sometimes bad, sometimes easy to see, and sometimes harder to see. Your choices brought you here, as did mine. As far as punishment is concerned, I really don't know, Ekene."


He put a reassuring hand on the kids shoulder. "It's all about the choices we make, and when we make the bad choices, we have to live with those consequences. It's then we have to try to make things right again. That doesn't mean a do-over - there are no do-overs, but there are other ways we can make things right."


Jared sighed, this was getting harder. He had to approach some more serious subjects with Ekene. He wasn't a God-fearing man, but Jared began to send some mental prayers to the guy upstairs. "You said, Ekene, that you're supposed to be strong. Strong men feel fear - only stupid people don't. The difference is that the strong man doesn't allow that fear to control him or his actions. The fear doesn't control him - he controls it."


Jared paused and gave Ekene's shoulder a reassuring squeeze, gathering himself while he did. "I hope you trust me, Ekene. I want to help you. I don't know all of what you may have done, but I know what you did to Legionnaire Carpenter. You know who Legionnaire Carpenter is, right?"
Jared paused a moment. "It makes you scared of him. You want to hide from him. Remember though that we don't want that fear to control us. You don't know how he'll react around you and you can't reverse what you did. That's a lot to think about. You can still make things right though. You can talk to him - apologize - try to make things right between you and him. The hard thing is, he might not accept it. It's a risk and risks are always scary."


Jared removed his hand. If Ekene wanted to leave, Jared wouldn't stop him. He was teaching him about choices and Ekene had to make his own. "You have a choice to make, Ekene. You can leave it be, or you can try to make it right. It's your choice, I can't make it for you. I'll help you make that choice if you want. If you decide to leave it be, I won't pressure you. If you decide that you want to talk to Legionnaire Carpenter, I'll support you. I'll even help you with it - I'll stand by your side if you want, but the choice has to be yours."


Jared sighed. "It's a lot to think about and it's not easy. Choices are pretty complicated things when you think about it."
Jared gave him a reassuring smile. "The thing is, you don't always have to make them alone. I'll help you while I can Ekene. You just have to ask."


Edited by Jared Vanders, Sep 24 2014, 09:08 PM.

[Natalie Grey]

Consequences. The word veered up in a way that Ekene shied away from. Jared said a lot, opening up so much for Ekene to think about, but for now it was too much. His thoughts jerked away. He flinched at the name legionnaire Carpenter, as though it somehow made it all the more real. This vast dark cloud. This nemesis. His eyes squeezed shut. His head hung loose on his shoulders. When Jared's hand retreated Ekene didn't move, but for a long time neither did he speak. He was drowning in all the words, all the feelings. The future was ugly and unknowable, and it swallowed him up until he wondered if it would be better to have no future at all. "I don't know. I don't know what to do."
The words came out fragile as glass, but he didn't ask for advice. Not in this moment, anyway. But he shared his vulnerability with an honestly that would have been beyond him minutes ago. This day it was all he had left to give.

Ekene stood abruptly. Jared was kinder than he ought to be, and Ekene had no way to repay him. The advice would take a while to sink in. But for now the need to escape urged him away from a sanctuary he didn't feel he deserved. A hand raked harshly over tear-dried cheeks. "I need to go,"
he mumbled. Guilt gnawed, new and old, and he could no longer bear to confront it, or the man who offered so much to help him.

He didn't deserve it.

Black eyes lingered for a moment longer on the legionnaire, and then quick thumping steps marked Ekene's exit back up the dark stairs.

[Jared Vanders]

Jared could see the guilt building in Ekene's eyes, and Jared's heart broke to see it. He was too young to bear the burdens he had to bear. Jared didn't try to stop Ekene as he left. Ekene made his choice. He hoped the young man would think on his words and come to terms with himself. He had to have faith that would happen.

Jared began to feel guilty too - for the part he played. Perhaps he had moved to fast with Ekene. Jared swore as he stood and moved to put on his gun belt before lighting a cigarette. He stood leaning against a wall just thinking. Choices...he made one too. He made the choice to bring up Jay. Perhaps it was the wrong one. He had to hope it wasn't.

Jared looked up to the ceiling and imagined the sky beyond it. Then he, a man who questioned the existence of God, prayed. "God, if you are really up there, watch over Ekene. Guide him through these hard times. And do the same for the rest of the people here too - the refugees and those trying to help them..."
His voice trailed off, not knowing the words to say. If God existed, hopefully he would understand.